Post # 1
I’m not even officially engaged yet but the details we’ve started discussing are already taking a toll. This isn’t massively negative or anything.. but things are changing. Wedding or engagement talk seems to creep into every day now. Ring choosing was agonizing and that’s one single detail he doesn’t get. I can easily see myself falling into the kind of bride that plans the wedding not the marriage as things exponentially increase in complexity and need for decisions (particularly if the FILs get their way of a big blowout wedding that cost a bazillion dollars).
Ultimately the marriage is more important than the wedding – but how do I make sure I maintain THAT focus with wedding stuff going on??
Post # 3
well the fact that you are already thinking about this, and prioritizing your relationship over the wedding (which is, afterall, ONE SINGLE DAY in your life) is good news for you and your hubby!
keep your convictions strong, set a realistic budget (together with the in-laws so everyone is on the same page) and stick to it! there are so many resources out there to help you plan a beautiful wedding at a fraction of the “national average”- which is equal to or greater than the average annual income!!!
if you can afford it however, hire a wedding planner, then you don’t need to stress over the details and fret that your FI isn’t ‘getting it’…
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
It’s not really about maintaining the focus, if you do it right. Use wedding planning as a way to grow your shared decision-making skills. Use wedding planning as a jumping off point for important discussions about values, life goals, long-term planning strategies, etc. Wedding planning can be a really good opportunity to put positive behaviors into practice, behaviors that will become the foundation of your marriage. So it’s not really a “one or the other” thing. It’s using one to continue to establish your firm foundation for the other.
Edit: And if your partner really just isn’t into wedding planning and is 100% happy with you running the whole show, and if you are happy with having things that way, there is nothing wrong with that. It’s not some sort of failure if one of you takes the lead and both of you are happy with that arrangement.Just make sure that you touch base ever once in a while to assure that the current arrangement still meets both of your needs, and don;t be afraid to change things up if the arrangement doesn’t meet your needs any more.
Post # 5
I am having a huge wedding and I’m incredibly focused on our marriage. We both discussed it and wanted our wedding day to reflect us as a couple and incoporate our favorite things/characteristics etc while celebrating in a grand way with our families.
That being said a large wedding doesn’t disregard a marriage just like a small wedding doesn’t either. I think the key is to focus on what is important for the day of and what you can budget for and be mindful of your relationship and situation accordingly.
Yes it is easy to get in over your head, agreed. A wedding is the celebration of your marriage so unless you are getting married for the wrong reasons you and your SO can’t help but consider the aspects/details/focus of your marriage.
For my FI and I it has been a great bonding experience and has made me even more excited to be his wife. 🙂
Post # 6
Our pre-marital counseling at our church really helped me stay focus on our marriage while planning an almost 300-person event. We also chose vendors who helped us focus on our marriage. For example, our DJ had worked as a marriage counselor previously, and he helped us incorporate special, personal things about our relationship into our reception. Things like that. 🙂
Post # 7
Definitely set a good budget and make sure you and your fiancé are on the same page with it. If his parents (or yours) start making demands, defend each other!
Post # 8
In my opinion it was simple. A marriage and a wedding are two different things. We discussed finances, children, and other major issues at length. Table decor and flower choices were short conversations.
Post # 9
What me and my fiance took to doing (we are also 10,000 miles apart atm so it helps us stay close :3) is we looked up lists of Questions to ask before you get married and we enjoy asking each other questions about each others views on things. I love it because its hard to get my fiance to share his opinions on things since he is natually so quiet, but I love to know what he thinks about things 🙂
Post # 10
Our premarital counseling has really been great for us. Ours has been fairly structured (we had to take a survey and follow a workbook), but it’s worked great for us. Every week we focus on a couple of topics like relationship roles, conflict resolution and communication, finances, children/parenting styles, etc. I actually thought that we wouldn’t get much out of the premarital counseling, but I was totally wrong. So, I would highly recommend doing the counseling when you get engaged. If you are looking for something similar to do on your own, check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334264191&sr=8-1 which is based on empirical research and offers lots of great activities/discussion questions to do together.
Post # 11
@Treejewel19: I really wish the Bee had a “like” button!
Post # 12
While there are big, long term priorities in life, sometimes the smaller, more short term ones temporarily take up more focus. I think that’s ok.
As long as you sometimes focus on an upcoming marriage, I think it’s okay if wedding planning takes most of the focus from time to time. You have the rest of your lives to focus on the marriage.
Post # 13
Don’t wedding plan 24/7. If you are finding yourself obsessing over colors or fabrics or details for the event – and that’s ALL you are thinking about – take a break. Focus on your relationship. Spend an evening or two or three 😉 NOT discusing logistical details. Talk about emotions or spendn time goofing off and having fun together.
What I found is that our relationship grew and did prepare us for marriage as we wedding planned. We developed new communication skills as we compromised, discussed expectations, and dealt with family DRAMA. 🙂
Don’t discount the preparation for marriage that planning a wedding will organically bring about… but, it’s important to be intentional and catch yourself if you already know you can have a single minded focus.