how do you keep your marriage healthy

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

off the top of my head:

-Don’t hide things. Tell each other everything, especially the hard things. React with as much compassion as you have to the bad so your spouse will not be too afraid to tell you the bad in the future.

-Watch how you talk about your spouse and inlaws to your family and friends. Bad things make a much deeper impact than the good and sometimes one thing can change the way loved ones think about our spouses.

-Cook together. Super fun. Enjoy the meal without phones. Weekend breakfast is totally “our thing.”

-Give them space. Respect their privacy. In return, they should be upfront. My DH has the passwords to most (all? dunno) of my accounts and my phone. He doesn’t go through them, but he COULD if he wanted. Same for me with his. I looked through email once when I was genuinely concerned DH was going through something/being self destructive. 

-Sometimes he writes me notes for important stuff. They mean the world to me, and I try to do the same for him, although I don’t think they have as much sentimental value for him. 

-Have sex. As much as you can. Try to muster up the gusto when you’re not quite feeling it. I find I’m usually glad I did. He should do the same for you. 

-As hard as it is, I try to not think about the families as “his family” and “my family” but all “our family.” I try to give his parents the same patience I would have for mine. I try to give mine the same politeness that I give his.  (it sure helps we live far away from both though! haha)

-Make your own rituals and traditions. Spend some holidays with just you two. 

-Also, don’t let people tell you what should or should not be okay in your own marriage. Make the marriage and set the rules that work for you and DH. My parents are terrible at marriage (not married to each other, my mom is divorced twice, and my dad is not happily married I don’t think) and I think a big part is because they cling to these hardfast “rules” about what a marriage should be that are – in my opinion – antiquated and impossible to live up to. 

That’s all I can think of for now. I’d like to see what everyone else says.

Post # 4
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

date nights.  we set aside a certain time every week for date night.  whether it’s going to a movie or just for icecream.

be intimate.  yes, sex but don’t forget about the simple stuff.  snuggling, kissing, touching, just holding hands.

apologize.  two words goes a long way.  i’m sorry.  don’t be afraid to say it first when you have an argument.  it doesn’t make you the weaker one, it makes you the better one.

love and respect.  appreciate who you have and what they do for you.  i love you and thank you can never be overdone.

Post # 5
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

These are nice 🙂 and appreciated by a newly-married bee!

Although I am not married long my advice for maintaining a relationship would be:

-Put each other first no matter what. Not work, friends, family – though these are important and must be valued, we come first to each other.

-Do things together.  Hobbies, walking, eating, even down-time watching TV – spending time physically close and with the opportunity to talk about the day, we stay in touch with each other’s lives and maintain emotional intimacy.

-Have your own life too.  Respect the need to have hobbies, friends and a life outside of our relationship.  Otherwise things get boring and we have nothing to talk about!

-Help each other.  He helps me with the house and I help him with his work.  It makes life better for both of us to know we have support in all aspects of life.

-Express appreciation for each other.  This makes us feel valued and loved.

-Be understanding and try not to be judgemental.  Often we are harsh on the people we love because we want to protect them.  

-Let them be themself.  We can be comfortable and trusting if we are not afraid to show who we really are, and have this received with love.

Post # 10
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Happy Hopeful Bee:  thanks.  we’ve both been married before.  we now know what to do and what not to do.

Post # 11
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@mrsedwardslpn:  there’s a saying, “don’t let the sun go down on your anger”.  luckily, my dh and i rarely fight.  i think the last time i was really mad at him was over 2 years ago.

Post # 13
5087 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

This advice is brilliant. Thanks bees.

Post # 14
1973 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Hmm we are apart a lot but we keep in constant contact however we can, and that helps us feel close.

i think respect for the others needs and wants goes a long way, and I you both always put each other first you both feel valued.

and I agree with PPs who have said don’t stay mad. I would also add having some cool down time before talking when you are to avoid saying hurtful things.

Post # 16
7153 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Not married now, but I have been. All of PP made great points. respect, appreciation, and a team spirit are vital to me. I also need someone who will go to the dark places and have the uncomfortable talks, because I don’t like things festering. I’d rather fight with respect then be polite strangers.

We work things out with negotiation, and I think that is vital to a happy relationship. 

Also, admitting when you are wrong and apologizing… That’s huge, and it shows that you are being fair and caring toward your partner. I love that I can say I’m sorry, and I shouldn’t have said x, it was unfair, and he will hug me and say its okay, I knew you were tired but thank you, or whatever. Cooperation! 

i think you need to be able to put that persons needs as a priority,  but also advocate for yourself so that he doesn’t have to guess what you want and need. Be generous in spirit and loyal in heart, have each others backs, and strive to be as kind as you can. 

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