How do you know if its right to get back together?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I would wait a bit longer. Even if a relationship is not right you can miss having someone around because you’re used to their company and support. You should get out there and experience the new things you were looking for, be they new relationships or something else. If you’re still feeling like you made a mistake in 6 months or a year, I would think about talking to him again.

Post # 4
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@rosetea:  If you’re not 100% sure about the relationship, don’t get back together. It’s not fair on him to get messed around and given false hope because you miss the comfort of having a partner. Breakups are always hard and there will always be regrets and moments of weakness, but presumably you had a good reason to end things and you should remember that.

Given you’re so unsure about everything, it might be a good idea to see a counsellor/therapist for a little bit. Then when you are more stable and sure about what you want in a few months, maybe you can think about re-starting the relationship. Getting back together before that point is likely to prolong the misery for everyone involved and is really quite cruel to him. I know it’s hard, but if you care about him, don’t try to get back together before you are truly ready.

Post # 5
Member
8707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My rule of thumb is, if you break up, you weren’t meant to be. Just how I see things, though. Your mileage may vary.

Post # 6
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

If you were engaged and have broken up all by the age of 21, it means you were probably together since you were at least 19? 18? longer? 

I’m only 21 years old and thought I should experience things on my own to work out what I want…

 You really haven’t done this yet. Missing him is normal. But give yourself way more time to actually do what you set out to do and experience some life! Take a trip! Take a class! Get out there a bit.  Honestly, three weeks is a drop in a very big bucket.

Post # 7
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you get back with him now, I think you will feel unsure again down the line, because you haven’t done any of the things you wanted to do (experiencing life and dating without him). This will probably lead to another, nastier break-up, and there will be no getting back together after that.

You’re missing him because you are used to having a partner and don’t know how to be single. It’s not a sign that you’re meant to be together.

Post # 8
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@AlwaysSunny:  If you’re still feeling like you made a mistake in 6 months or a year, I would think about talking to him again.

 

 

 

I agree. After a year you’ll have more distance and a different perspective on the whole thing. If you still feel like breaking up was a mistake at that time, see if he wants to give things another go. However, keep in mind that he may no longer be interested, and he might not be single. That’s the risk you take when you break up with someone.

 

Post # 9
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@MaryKay14:  Totally agree. 

OP, there is a difference between missing someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them. Allow him to move on. 

Post # 10
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@rosetea: Honey, didn’t you post something last week about how you were calling him because you missed him so much?

I really think you need to trust yourself in having a good reason to break up, and spend a good 6 months to a year apart from him–no contact. You are very young, and what you are feeling now is likely tied to missing being in a relationship. The best thing you could do for any future relationship you two may have is to invest in yourself & growing as a person.

Post # 11
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@rosetea:  You are unsure if you should get back together too. So right now you are in this UNSURE spot–dont know if you should stay together or move on. This is a bad reason to get back together. You need to know 100%…1000% that this is YOUR MAN that you cant live without. He sounds like a nice guy that you feel bad for leaving.

I think you are scared because the unknown is scary. It’s hard to do things differently. He is safe and known and not as scary.

The most sucessful people do the thing they find most scary. So move on from him. Do one thing a month that you find scary–whether that be go on a date with someone you met online or take an acting class or travel alone to a foreign country.

If in 2-3 years, you still miss him and you’ve lived a scary/exciting life and you realize he is YOUR MAN that you cant live without, then contact him.

Post # 12
Member
37 posts
Newbee

I was in the exact same spot you are. My boyfriend and I got engaged when I was 22, then 2 days later I ended the engagement because I wasn’t sure if it was what I wanted and I felt like I needed to experience more life before I made such a big decision. We were in a rut and it seemed like all of a sudden I had to be an old woman who stayed home all the time and didn’t get to experience all the things my friends were. I was so frustrated and disappointed that the most exciting time of my life was coming to an end because I was engaged. 

I chose to end it because I felt like I needed more. There was no spark in our relationship anymore and I felt like I had just settled into an engagement.

After talking to my mom she gave me the best advice I’ve ever received. She told me, “if you only focus on the negative things about being with him, then you are setting yourself up for failure”. i realized I had only been thinking about all the things I didn’t get to experience and doubting my whole relationship constantly. I took a week and went to my brothers house to focus on what I really wanted. Rather than thinking about negative things I started to think about the positive things. Just because I was in a long term relationship didn’t mean I couldn’t travel with friends or give up my life. It just meant I had someone to share all of this with.

It took my about 3 months to truly get into the mindset of thinking positively. We also started going on planned date nights and doing more things like cooking classes and traveling. 

A lot of people are going to tell you that if you don’t know then you shouldn’t be with him. I think that everyone has a slight doubt at some point, just maybe not everyone acts on it. Try the positive thinking thing for a bit. 

Post # 13
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@rosetea:  Just read a few of your old posts, and I see your relationship with him began when you were 14.

A lot of people aren’t wired in a way that they can be comfortable marrying their first love without any experience with dating other people, and there’s nothing wrong with that! I know I couldn’t have done that, like you, all the “what if’s” would drive me crazy. I still have the occasional “what if” because FI is my only healthy, seriou, adult relationship, but I had my heart broken a bit once and I dated casually so I still have a decent amount to compare it to. I met him when I was 21, and I feel like I had JUST gotten enough dating out of my system to feel ready to settle into a serious relationship. 

Which comes to my second point, timing. I believe timing is crucial in relationships, because there’s more than one person in the world capable of making you happy for the rest of your life, if you meet them at the right time. Then building a history together is a beautiful thing, but sometimes you need to pave your own way for a bit. How will you know if/when it’s time to get back together? When you’ve taken some time to focus on you, maybe your school and/or career goals, dating casually, maybe even dating someone else seriously. I agree with PPs that this should take AT LEAST six months. I’ve never gotten back together with someone, but I’m guessing if you keep comparing everyone else you date to him, and they fall short, that’s one sign. But you need to get the “what if’s” out of your system. If you do that and still want to get back together (which you might not), and he can’t understand that or has moved on, then you need to move on, and you’ll find someone else at least as wonderful, but with better timing 🙂

Post # 14
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Pop culture says that we must have “VERY” good reasons to break up with someone — he has to be a jerk, he has to be abusive, he has to be doing something that’s blatantly-obviously-downright-wrong.

But many times, people break up because they’ve just fallen out of love — no drama. They break up because they have different life goals. Sometimes, they just feel that something isn’t right. 

As others are saying, you need to give this at least a few months of no contact whatsoever. When I was (slightly younger) than you are now, I broke up with my first long-term boyfriend. The next day, I was texting him, and I agreed to continue talking to him. Well, that ended about two weeks later, when I saw that he had started dating somebody else. I swiftly cut off contact. It healed my broken heart quickly. I thought I was being kinder by slowing phasing him out of my life — instead I saw that I was opening myself up to hurt like that. Seeing someone I still cared about (but knew I was better off not dating him) move on.

 

Put your energy into doing the things you feel you’re missing out on. Play the field for a while. Go on a trip with friends. Work on a special project. Get connected with family members you haven’t seen in a while. Pick up a new hobby — maybe learn how to play an instrument. I was raised with the impression that I was nothing to be proud of and that I needed to settle on the first guy who came along because there wouldn’t be anyone else. 

I’m now in my late 20s and there are still plenty of options (in my case, though, I’m married). I regret ever delaying breaking up with that first boyfriend now. 

When you have time to yourself, when you get away from that feeling you have to be with someone, things will get better for you.

 

As for when you know it’s the right time to go back? When you feel you have truly resolved the issues that led to the breakup in the first place. You haven’t explored, you haven’t done what prompted you to end things, so get out there and do them.

You may later find that leaving him was a mistake. We’re all going to make tons of them, and some of them are irreversible. Maybe life will be dandy if you get back together with him without taking care of these concerns first. Alternatively, maybe you will have a chance to explore…and you will find someone better for you in the long run. Or at least, someone who is still a very good match who leaves you feeling happy. 

And you will be happy.

Post # 15
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MaryKay14: 

You’re missing him because you are used to having a partner and don’t know how to be single. It’s not a sign that you’re meant to be together.”

 + 1000

 

@rosetea:  Its only been 3 weeks.   You aren’t going to be able to grow and find yourself in only 3 weeks, or even 3 months.  Living life and experiencing things takes TIME.   I once begged an ex to get back together 6 months after I broke up with him. Thank GOD he said “no”.  I was only missing having a SO and the good times we had together… ignoring all the valid reasons we had for breaking up and we would have been miserable had we gotten back together.  

 

Post # 16
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Of course you miss him. Doesn’t mean you should get back together. All the reasons you broke up are still  there. Give it some time.

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