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You need to talk with him, ASAP! Find a way, any way to say excatly this to him. In fact, print this out and give it to him. I know, its a lot harder than it looks, but if your not honest now, will you ever be?
Yes you def need to address this asap. If you think for one sec you are marrying the wrong man why not postpond the wedding and just go about your relationship until you are sure. Don't dive into the wedding stuff and think its to late to turn back. Decide NOW before you go any further. Don't send out invites until you figure it out!!Good Luck and i hope you find exactly the answer you are looking for.
Aww hugs -- this has got to be really hard to be dealing with!
If you already mentioned it to him and he said take a week off from weddings... and you've done that and you STILL feel this way, you need to go back to him and tell him that. He needs to know exactly how you feel. Just think of how you'd feel in his place? Hurt, of course, but you'd also probably rather know than keep going on with this. If my FI was feeling like this about me, I'd want to know so that I could move on (or whatever the two of you decide to do). When you talk to him, maybe leave the friend P out of the discussion... you seem to have more than enough other points to talk about, it seems like bringing up a noticed interest in another guy would be rubbing salt in the wound a bit. But I'm not sure. I'm sure you'll get a lot of other great advice/support on this. But definitely tell him sooner rather than later how you've been feeling.
Hugs again!
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Y'all need to sit down and talk about this. Honestly, if you're having this many doubts, I would postpone things, no matter what you come up with in your talk. You do not want to marry the wrong person. It's not worth all the pain in the long run to avoid it right now. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I know a little bit about what you are going through from a friend of perspective{my best friend called off her wedding a month before} and I know how hard it was for her. He was her best friend and it wasn't just losing a love, it was losing a friend and was very hard. Just talk to him and tell him how you feel.
I'm sure that you are absolutely terrified and that this is so hard for you. You can't go ahead with it if it doesn't feel 100% right though. Why would you want to do that to either yourself or him?
You know, if it's right, if you're meant to be, it will eventually happen. That doesn't mean that it has to happen right this minute.
I have not read anyones reply, so excuse me if this was already said.
This is not a question you ask when you have chosen the right person.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be scary tryingto sort this out. You have people talking about the wedding, maybe some have put money into it. You have a man the you could either break his heart or become joined together in a few months.
I also think you need to put the wedding on hold before you get even further into this planning process. Backing out will only get more difficult. While it might be difficult to talk to your FI, you need to tell him what's going on. And it is only fair to him. Since you'll probably want to really figure out what these feelings are about. (And you don't want to feel like your spending time with P and cheating on your FI.)
You also mention that you're with your Fi, break up because of being unsure you want to be with him. Then get back together and are sure. But P comes along and you're unsure again. You need to explore that. If you can't wrap your brain around it, find a counselor to help. Are you afraid of commitment? (Dad left, parents' divorced) Maybe you doubt any one man can have the qualities you want in a husband. Since you've been with FI for a while, ar you lacking the juice that new relationships have? And breaking up and getting back together amps some of that back into the relationship? But you said some really honest things about concerns that you're changing too much. And that after spending more time with P, you are thinking you might have more in common with him.
And maybe with all of this otehr stuf, moving school, you are just overwhelmed in thinking about yet another life changing situation.
If you doubt your that your FI is right for you, what made you get back with him after the break? What qualities did you see in him that once made him a keeper? And try to figure out when it is good to have something in common with your husband and when it good to have something compliment one another. (Him being a spender and you a saver aren't necessarily bad.) Good luck sorting this out.
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Wow, that sounds like a lot of doubts. I think you should probably put a pause on everything and talk to your FI. I would also even consider seeing a counselor with him because they might also be of some help.
I agree with everyone that you need to address these issues and seek premarital counseling. I would caution you not to let go of a good relationship that has made it this far because you have a crush on another guy. I've found myself picking apart little flaws that my fiance has and comparing him to other men in my life because a commitment this huge is frankly terrifying. If you love him, try whatever you have to to work through it before you call it off.
It's possible you're not ready to get married yet. Have you considered putting your wedding plans on hold, and continuing the relationship to let it develop?
If you have the "one" you would not have any doubts like this! Talk to him ASAP. Do you two live together? If not I would totaly take some time apart and sort it out. But you need to talk to him first.
I'm not sure I agree that you wouldn't be asking this if he was the "one". Relationships take work and concerns/doubts are natural. However, you do seem to have a lot of doubts. You need to balance out what these doubts are really about... are you having anxiety about a wedding, period. Or, are you concerned FI is not that one - and why, are you generally unhappy or is there something specific triggering this? Also, what was the reasoning you split up for a year and are those issues resolved? Finally, are you interested in P, or the idea of someone like P?
It's not fair to him to continue wedding planning if you are unsure. He seems to be pretty understanding by telling you to take a week off. Maybe if he knew the situation a little better, he will be open to talking about it. Also, stop all wedding plans right now and don't start any new contracts, in today's economy you don't want the added burden of lost deposits.
yes you are in a tough situation, but i think you are lucky to be self aware enough to realize that your doubts are not just 'wedding jitters.' every case is different. in my case, had i gotten engaged to my last BF, i would have had doubts and more doubts right up until the day of our wedding. something in me knew that even though i loved him and that he was my best friend, i would not be able to fight the lingering feeling that someone out there was a better match for me. i also felt like i was being so unfair to him - keeping him from meeting a woman who would absolutely love him without any doubts. in my case, i decided i needed to end our 8 year relationship and finally let him go to find true happiness with someone else. in the meantime, i met the man that literally took any fears about marriage completely out of my mind. deciding to marry my FI was the easiest decision i've ever made.
definitely talk to your FI about your feelings. be honest and fair with him as well as yourself. yes, canceling a wedding is a very difficult thing to do, but living a life unfulfilled is even harder.
good luck!
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Some good, and differing advice already. I'm in the camp where I don't think having questions necessarily means that he's the wrong one, but a lot depends on you. I'm freaked, freaked, freaked about commitment. So I freak out every once in a while...esp. when we argue aobut the things on which we differ. but then, we work through it and I feel we are so much stronger and I realize all over again that he makes me a better person than I'd be without him. But it's scary...and there are a lot of messages telling you that it should always be happily ever after. I don't think it ever is...but it can feel lonely.
I think that having major differences is often something that attracts us to a relationship, and can be the foundation for a marriage that leads to a lot of personal growth. But if you find that rather than growing into a person who is a better version of yourself you are changing into a person you don't recognize, that really is something to be concerned about.
You say that you've had your weekend encounter, but have you sought any more premarital counseling? I think that's an important first step here. You decided to get married to him for a reason, and it doesn't just sound like it was an impulse. I also think that a book we're using in our premarital counseling might help, "Getting the Love you want" by Harville Hendrix. A premise of his theories about marriage is that we unconsciously choose partners who differ from us on the things we have the most reservations/conflicts about...and we might not even know it. My FI and I are similar to you w.r.t. spending/saving. He needs to save way more than I do. And even though I feel that I'm very responsible and have never carried debt, if I'm honest I realize that I also respect and admire his financial discipline. This doesn't mean we don't clash, but it means there's another side to the argument. I think we often end up being frustrated about differences with our partners, and we have to take a step back and ask ourselves wasn't there somethinga bout aht difference that attracted us in the first place?
all this is to say that I don't think it's obvious you've made a mistake, and I think it's worth exploring what's going on. that said, there's a saying that "you never need a reason not to marry someone". Ultimately you need to be true to who you are and listen to what your gut is telling you. Maybe these doubts are really a message that you need to be with someone else. Or maybe these doubts are a message that there is something you need to address before you get married to this person. No matter what, first and foremost listen to yourself and respect your instincts.
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I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine the stress.
theregoesthebride.com might be helpful.
I agree with everyone else that you really ought to postpone wedding and wedding planning until you actually want to do it.
Good luck.
I agree... I was completely afraid of committment until I was with fiance. There really were no doubts at all, whereas most of my previous relationships I had some form of quiet or more present doubt. You owe it to yourself and your fiance the time and attention to figure this out.
In the meantime, you should probably hit the pause button on the wedding planning.
You're brave to be honest with yourself and may be saving you and your fiance future heartache.
Please let us know what happens and we'll be thinking of you and wishing you peace of mind.
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I'm scared that I've chosen the wrong guy.
My FI and I dated for a few years, broke up for one, got back together for one year, and got engaged in September. In the time we were broken up, I was trying to figure out what type of person I wanted, and I thought I made the right decision to go back to my FI, who was and is my best friend. I felt so strongly about this that I didn't think I would ever second-guess my decision.
So now I'm second-guessing myself. My FI surprised me with the ring--I didn't think we would get engaged for at least 6-8 more months. I thought I was ready, but I'm not sure. One area we really disagree on is money--he's more of a saver and I'm more of a spender. I know that this is probably a common problem, and we've already had a Engaged Encounter weekend with our church to discuss issues like these...but I still feel like I might be changing myself too much for him.
These concerns started about a month ago, and they've only gotten worse since I've had some other changes in my life this week--moving, starting a new part of my schooling, and becoming closer friends with P, one of my guy friends. As I've gotten to know P over the past three years, I've realized how similar his views and goals are to mine. I really enjoy spending time with him, and he's made me question my relationship with FI. How could my relationship with FI that I believed in so strongly change so suddenly? It's the same change I felt in the past that lead to our breakup. Why do I feel this extreme change again?
I'm at a stand-still. I have so many wedding-related things to do this month (invites, final catering decisions, hair and makeup appointments, gifts, jewelry, smaller projects for the reception....), and I don't want to do anything at all. I've told FI about this, and he encouraged me to take a week off, which I did. But, a week later, I can't stand to hear about any weddings. I almost couldn't even bring myself to come to the bee to post this! My wedding time should be exciting, and I should be looking forward to the date, but I can't. I can't pretend I'm excited when I feel so torn.
Has anyone gone through something like this? How do you talk to the FI?