Post # 1
My husband and I haven’t slept in the same bed for almost two weeks. There are periods of times when I don’t see him for over 48 hours. He’s married to his job (I know there isn’t another woman or anything like that, because I have a feeling it might be mentioned in the comments) and this is something we’ve already talked about to death and doesn’t seem to ever be addressed or resolved. A few days ago, something happened at his work that could affect OUR livelihood but he decided to visit someone he manages to placate them. Not to talk to me FIRST or inform me of any of this information. It’s clear that I’m not important and I am second to his job — I’ve already voiced this many many times. As apologetic as he is, nothing has changed.
I’ve already taken off my wedding ring, because honestly, I’ve done all that I can on my end and I feel like I can’t do anything else.
Post # 3
@cupcakeface: If I were in your shoes, I would fight like hell to get back to some sort of relationship builiding with my Darling Husband. Have you guys talked recently about the issues in your marriage and/or what your expectations are regarding his work?
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
When you realize you can’t sustain a marriage by yourself.
That was the point that I realized I was going to get divorced.
Post # 5
I would fight for the marriage. Go to counseling have a third party listen to you both and learn to communicate. Is this a new job or a new development or was he like this before you got married? I think you really need to talk to someone, both of you, make sure you’ve done all you can do.
Post # 8
I think it depends on your happiness in the end OP. I personally would exhaust all possible avenues (I would even try getting a job with him), but I resisted getting married for a long time because I always said I would only get married once. My friend (and MOH) told me when she got married, that he was a pretty good first husband, so obviously she had no problem with divorce. When he started treating her poorly, she served him papers, and she’s been happy about it ever since.
Post # 9
I think, personally, if you have to ask if it’s time to move on, it’s time to move on.
Sorry I can’t sugar coat it.
Post # 10
@beachbride1216: That really is what it is. I can’t sustain the relationship by myself. It’s not a relationship when the other half doesn’t make an effort.
Post # 11
@cupcakeface: While this sounds bad, it doesn’t seem appropriate to throw in the towel just yet. You talked about it? Great. Not. What good has it done you? Sometimes you need an outside, neutral third party to reign you both in and to help you both better communicate your heartburns, your expectations, etc.
He has a priority in work. While I believe a wife and children should be #1, his work is also a source of your livlihood (collectively – both of you). You walk a fine line there… I don’t know enough details of course, but based on your lone example, I’d say that’s not grounds for divorce.
Did he have this same job before you got married? What’s changed from before you said “I do”?
Post # 12
@HisIrishPrincess: He always gives his 300% for a job but he manages to find sometime for us to do things. It’s just recently with work drama that it’s been like this…him sleeping at work..etc. When it’s brought up, even though I feel like I sound needy, it somehow gets twisted into how I don’t understand his work and how I “knew what I was getting myself into” when we got married (which I think is a lame excuse or exit strategy to end a conversation).
I’m guilty of making him feel bad and throwing insults at him. I am owning up to that. But when there’s no partnership, you’re basically living with a roommate you sometimes clean after. I already told him I was done fighting. I’ve tried everything that I can. Last night he says that he needs to write down what he is thinking, which I completely respect, but maybe it’s my pessimistic nature that I think this is just cheap talk.
What really bothers me is that he treats me as if I’m always going to be there: calling me when I’m easily reached and not vice versa, making me arrange MY schedule because he has the day off (since I rarely see him…because of his job). I pointed that out and I made it blatantly clear that I will leave one of these days. I’m tired of making adjustments for him and not myself.
Post # 13
@JemmaWRX: “What’s changed from before you said “I do”?”
He’s had this particular job for over 6 months but it’s been bad recently because of the company’s finances. I’d say that’s the only thing that’s changed. But in retrospect when I’m thinking about all the fights we’ve had, they are mostly about how I feel that I am second to his job.
Maybe I’m needy or maybe I’m pathetic for not reading the signs earlier and putting up with it.
Post # 14
Some people need to work 40+ hours in a week to keep their jobs. If he is not happy with his job maybe you could help him look for a new one. Did you say “x I am unhappy that you do x. I am not happy and I am thinking about leaving you. Let’s come to some agreement on how to go forward.”
Post # 15
@Captain013: He definitely doesn’t need to work that much to keep his job but the culture makes 40+ weeks normal. It’s hard for him to jump from ship to ship since it’s such a niche industry and everyone in management knows each other. I have bluntly told him that I’ve thought about leaving him several times. In return, he says that he has thought about leaving me so I can have someone who deserves me. Maybe it’s my cynicism but it’s just cheap words he says because he doesn’t know what else to say, because he hasn’t thought about fixing the issues in our relationship.
Post # 16
Hrm – Working 40 hours a week is normal. Sleeping at work is more than that.
What is his schedule like exactly? What does he do with his free time when he’s not at work?