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My mother and my FI's mother are both very kind, reasonable people. There have been minor disagreements here and there, but everything has been handled like we're all adults. So, I think I will just take their example when I am a F/MIL :)
I don't think it's inevitable at all. We always hear about the "crazy" F/MILs, but there are still plenty of normal ones out there!
I'm lucky enough to have an awesome FMIL and an even greater mother. Neither of them are judgemental (atleast to my face) and they both respect the fact that we're adults and we know whats best for us. Sure they have their opinions (everyone does) but they're not overbearing when it comes to them.
Once your kids reach adulthood your job is pretty much done. Sure, you'll always be their mother but you've "served your sentence" so to speak and they're now on their own. I think as long as we ackowledge the fact that our (future) kids are adults and have a mind of their own, there shouldn't be any many issues.
I think the fact that you are worried about it shows you won't turn into that. :) I always tell my FI I don't want either of us to end up like her mother because of how she has treated her husband (almost abusive), my FI, and I. She is the most judgmental, bigoted and self righteous person I've met. My FI says neither of us would end up like that because we are so far removed from that kind of behavior.
I think if you are constantly conscious of ways in which you DON'T want to behave or treat people, and ways in which you DO want to behave or treat people, you won't have anything to worry about. It's when people only see others in terms of what they should be, or should be doing, or how they should be living their lives that they end up as awful in-laws (and humans).
I think we may all be doomed to become a little bit crazy one day. I get sooo frustrated with my own Mom sometimes but then I see myself doing the same crazy things as she does!! Hopefully we'll be able to look back on our own experiences and be good people when it's our turn to be MILs. But it's hard to do that sometimes! I fear I may end up being a crazy MIL.
Maybe we should all write ourselves letters to be opened only when we our children get engaged? Reminders of how to behave!
@PrairieGirl: I like that idea.
Honestly, I will always remember how she treated me. I never want to make anyone feel the way she has made me feel. She watches those Lifetime Movies and thinks I will do the same things to Hubby. lol
My mama ended up having to go off on her this time, so maybe this will be the last time she acts a fool. lol We used to be so close. She told me that she feels like I care about her, but I don't love her. WTH??? I had to remind her that her actions has caused me to push away, then she had nothing to say. Well, she did say forgive and forget, but I told her that I forgave her, because I have been nothing but kind and loving since then. She had nothing more to say. She just can't be wrong by herself.
Short answer? You won't. (know, that is). :P
If you have a good role model in your life, you most likely will behave as you've been raised . Being exposed to other types may also influence you and make you more determined to not repeat some truly nasty behavior.
Remember we're only hearing one side of the stories on here. I have a hard time believing a lot of what I read too, and especially the ones with non-stop drama in their lives.
@smyley: I agree! My hubby says that his mom is beginning to act like his grandmother. Maybe she thinks it is okay to act that way because that is how her mother acts, or maybe she doesn't realize that she is turning into her mother.
@PrairieGirl: good idea! I'm not having any in law trouble yet.
I think if I can make it as a step-mother to my FI's son who has major problems towards the female gender (to where he actually calls me his mom), I can make it as a good FMIL.
Personally, I think the big thing is to remember it is THEIR life, their choices, and all you can do is offer advice and hope they take it. (with the occassional prodding when they need it, lol).
I will think of the stress I went through when my MIL disapproved of our venue, photographer, church music, no flowers for cake cutters, DIY invites, me being non-Catholic, wanting to add lots of random people to the guest list
as well as my own mother disapproving of me marrying a Catholic and disapproving of my FMIL for not loving everything we did.
I hope that will be enough to keep me from ever saying anything to my children and their spouses. Even if they have a Wiccan, Halloween-themed outdoor wedding in a swamp, I will try my hardest to smile and nod. My DH will likely get an earful, but I would never want to hurt my children or for them to feel like their wedding is about pleasing everyone else.
Unless I seriously thought that my FDIL/SIL were making my child unhappy (abusive, controlling, stuff like that). I will not say anything.
Trust your spouse to keep you sane- or to join the train with you;)
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I read all of these threads about crazy FMILS and MILS and they scare me. I have my own MIL problems which have left me very emotionally disappointed. it seems like there is something in the water that just cause mom go to crazy ones their sons (and sometimes daughters) get married.
I talk a lot of big talk about how I would never act like my mom or FMIL. I feel like I'm a reasonable, rational person. But then I think, at some point, weren't these women some semblence of rational? They ARE human beings. WHat makes them go nuts before and after the wedding, with grand kids, and everything else? Some of the stories I have read on here are mind blogging, with MILs threatening their kids and kids' fiances and making their lives so miserable.
Is this behavior inevitable? Im scared, y'all! I dont want my kids to hate me and I dont want to turn into some crazy person just cause my kids have relationships! I'll raise them but I dont own them. How can I not turn into a crazy MIL nutter butter?!!!