Post # 1
My guy doesn’t have sisters and his mother is constantly doing things for his family ie cooking, cleaning, chores…and I don’t believe she has ever taken time for herself. I know my man values this about her and expects to see it in me, however I also need my “me” time to get a mani/pedi etc. and I’m from the school of thought that this time is essential to re-charge myself so I can give more. He is from the school of thought that this is really self-indulgent. Do any of you have this kind of dynamic with your man and if so how do you ask him or let him know in a way that works for him that you NEED this! 🙂 Thanks 🙂
Post # 3
@sda519: My FI and I don’t really have this kind of thing going on (the man washes dishes more than I do!)
I think maybe a sit down is in order? Let him know how much you love him and want to be with him. But you are your own person as well, you are a woman and a spouse, not just a spouse. And you are not, I repeat not, his mother. No if ands or butts. If he’s expecting you to be just like her then he needs a reality check!
For me, equality in a relationship is really important and I think that you should be really honest with him about what you want. He should support you. We’re all individuals too!
Post # 4
Fortunately we are both people who need me time, and we are pretty good at just letting the other one know. I would be very angry if he expected me to be working for his benefit all the time unless he also shared in household chores. He has hobbies right? Does he play video games or watch sports or go out with his friends? That’s “me time”. You may have a different version of “me time” than he does, but that doesn’t matter. Everyone needs some activity that helps them relax and enjoy life. If you put it in that sense, hopefully he will understand.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@lalalyanne: +1 !!!
I don’t have this dynamic with my guy so I can’t relate exactly, but I would point out all the things he does for fun – watching sports, hanging out with his buddies, going to the gym, hobbies, etc. Make it clear that you deserve that much time to do WHATEVER you want, “indulgent” or not.
Post # 6
@sda519: I am definitely the cooking and cleaning kind of woman, but I don’t have this problem. SO is the type to tell me that I should go pamper myself once in a while. I think you just need to be honest and direct about this.
Post # 7
Well, first.. Does he take “me” time? I dont’ want to belittle your FI, but I think it’s a bit nutty to expect a woman to hold herself to a different standard than he holds himself. I also think it’s straight up unhealthy to martyr yourself for your husband/family/friends etc. So obviously that’s my bias here, lol.
Why not just bring it up though? “Babe, I was wondering if we could talk about something for a minute. I can’t help but feel like maybe you expect me to only ever focus on X, Y, Z. That’s a lot of pressure, and I wanted your opinion on that.” And see what he says.
Generally though, I don’t think you need to ask for permission or anything to do things for you. Unless they’re extremely extravagent/budet breaking, just go do them. If he has a problem, you can just reiterate “Babe, I can only give you my best when I’m being my best. That means taking care of myself/my health/ my well being.” Rinse, repeat! ; )
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
I don’t really ask him, but rather take my own ‘me’ time when necessary. With that said though, I do try to be considerate of ‘us’ time too & do my best to schedule my manicure on a day when I know our work schedules are opposite or whatever.
Post # 9
@sda519: my knee jerk response to your thread title was “I don’t ASK for it, I TAKE it/make time for it, and TELL my DH where I’m going, what I’m doing, and when I’ll be back. Just like he does when he wants to go do something.
My ex husband was all about me having to “ask” him to do things. One of the many reasons he’s my EX.
If your man hasn’t picked up on who you are yet, and what you need and the things you do to make you happy, then have a sit down and spell it out. And if he’s unwilling to change his attitude about your being “self indulgent” or having to ask him to do anything for yourself, be prepared for a long road ahead.
Post # 10
@sda519: I pretty much just take it. I cook and clean, and when I need me time, I book myself a salon appointment or head to yoga. I couldn’t be with a man who expects me to work for him like I’m an employee, doesn’t help share the tasks, and thinks it’s self indulgent to take a break.
Post # 11
@sda519: Like @lalalyanne and @lolot, I’m a fan of egalitarianism in a relationship. I originally thought that this post was going to be about a Bee who was in a relationship with a SO who always wanted to do everything together and therefore she felt like she needed “me” time. However, I’m surprised at what I read and quite frankly find it to be ridiculous. OP, I would just take the time you need. You shouldn’t need to ask permission.
Post # 12
@sda519: Being an introvert, I need a lot of me time, but it tends to be spent doing inexpensive things (reading, writing, knitting, surfing the net). To me, it sounds like your husband’s issue is more with the spending money part, so maybe either save up your own money so he can’t be upset with you spending family funds, or find a cheaper way to get “me” time.
That said, I agree with previous posters about just doing what you need to do for your own mental and spiritual health. I don’t think it’s ridiculous for you to go and get a manicure once in a while, and that seems like it may be a larger issue at play here.
Post # 13
Ask?! Lol. I do exactly what I want when I want.
Post # 14
I normally just say “I need some time alone at the moment, I’m going to go upstairs and read/go do some shopping” etc. I think it’s normal and healthy to take time to yourselves, and you need to communicate with him about it now, rather than letting this become and issue that festers.
Post # 15
@sda519: “My guy doesn’t have sisters and his mother is constantly doing things for his family ie cooking, cleaning, chores”
Oh! How awful your guy didn’t have sisters to share the burden of women’s work with his mom. I’m sorry but WTF? He finds it self-indulgent for women to take care of themselves between cooking and cleaning up after him? I’m sure he values that in women. I’d hardcore value free labor from someone who think it’s their duty to serve me cause I have a dick.
You don’t ask for “me-time” honey. You do what you need to do for yourself because you are a human being with your own needs and desires.
Post # 16
Well, we’re both introverted and spend a lot of time at home, DH is on his computer a lot and that leaves me to read, or go on the laptop, or exercise, or go hang out with a girlfriend.
But if DH expected me to be doing things for the benefit of the household 24/7… lol, we’d have a pretty big fight on our hands. A huge talk is in order where you establish some ground rules. After all, this is ‘for the rest of your life’ !
Incidentally I do far more housework than DH but most of the time it doesn’t bother me, only if I’ve got a lot on, then I crack the s’s 🙂