- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
I need to figure out how to let go of the HUGELY negative feelings that I feel towards my fiance’s parents and family situation…
Essentially, they are clueless. And don’t do anything for anyone else. And I’m sick of it!!!
They haven’t offered a cent to help us with the wedding (it’s the principle that is killing me) and have invited 15 guests. (And no, none of those 15 are family, since they no longer speak to any of their siblings/family members… including 2 kids from FFIL’s first marriage. wtf). His father is one of those storyteller-full-of-shit guys and it makes my blood boil to think of him taking any responsibility for our wedding day in front of his stupid friends.
His father recently dropped over 50k CASH on a boat on ebay only to discover that it was a bad investment (parts are no longer being made for it… you’d think maybe he would have researched a bit?).
My fiance has a sister and a brother. The brother is socially awkward, a workaholic, has no friends and has never had a girlfriend, despite a few attempts at online dating. Lives in the same small town as the parents and sister. He is a nice guy but is severly hindered by his anxiety. He and my fiance aren’t close anymore. Brother hasn’t even bothered to visit us or see where we live. The sister is special needs and, while she does live on her own (community housing), she needs care during her waking hours.
The running joke in the family is that “Sister is your inheritance!!!!”. (My fiance’s inheritance, you’ll note, not his brother’s). Almost every time we visit with them, FFIL makes that “joke”. I don’t mind that one day we will be responsible for his sister, I just REALLY resent that his parents have done NOTHING to help us or his brother with this (there is a fund that was set up where the gov’t matches contributions and nothing has been contributed since they opened the fund 3 or 4 years and apparently contributed 1k).I have told fiance that I want us and his brother to contribute to the fund now and in the coming years since it will only benefit us all but he doesn’t want to rock the boat by bringing it up to his parents.
His family just doesn’t “get it” and my fiance makes excuses for them by saying that they just don’t know better. I am so sick of the excuses!
My fiance is always trying to protect them and please them, when they do absolutely nothing to deserve it. They NEVER call him and it’s always up to him to keep the communication going. His father didn’t even call him when he was in town to drive my FMIL to my shower until AFTER he dropped her off, told my fiance he was going to look at antiques (so he can throw more $ away) if he wanted to join…. didn’t even THINK that it might be nice to take his son out for lunch or something while his future wife’s bridal shower was happening??
When they came in to the city to buy my shower gift (FFIL can buy a boat on ebay but they can’t figure out an online registry?) they told my fiance they’d be in town. My fiance finished work early that day and told them he would meet up with them. He called them when he was done and turns out they were on their way home since the store didn’t have what they wanted in stock… my fiance was hurt and frustrated but do you think he called them on it?
My fiance has not asked his parents if they’ll be contributing because he is worried that if he does, his father would be offended (my fiance makes a good living and together we are not “struggling”, though we are saving up for a house in a skyrocketing real estate market).
But they’ve invited all of these people and it hasn’t even dawned on them that maybe they could help to foot the bill for them?
My parents (who are normal people, thank god) have offered to pay for the reception, which is super generous.
My fiance’s parents cut him out of their lives, essentially, for a few years when he was living with his last girlfriend. They didn’t like her. I actually know her through a friend and while she can be a bit cold, I don’t think anything she would have done could have warranted cutting him out of their lives. She probably just didn’t smile and fake it. It gutted him. So now he is over-cautious about doing anything to jeopardize the family’s relationship. “We have to stay strong for the sake of Sister”.
We only fight about his family. Other than that, we get along great. But I know it causes him a lot of stress 🙁 Even though he agrees with me. Previously he has dealt with it by just letting everything go and not rocking the boat, but I am sick of them disappointing him and not thinking about anyone but themselves.
I’m the kind of person who gets really frustrated when people don’t “do the right thing”. I’m too black and white, I know it.
I also know I have to let all of this go, but I don’t know how. They have no idea that I feel this way about them, they actually really like me. But over the last year or so I have really been seeing their true colours…
What are your thoughts on this situation and how do you let your in-law angst go so that it doesn’t poison you or your relationship?
Thank you for listening!!