Post # 1
If I don’t make some drastic changes, I’m sure to lose the best guy I’ve ever known. I have always had jealousy issues, but since gaining weight, it has skyrocketed . It’s gotten so bad that we have to check the ratings of movies before we watch them and he even turns away if anything slightly provocative comes on tv. It’s awful and I hate that it has gotten to this point, and I know he resents me forthis. This past Friday we got in a fight for that and him feeling unappreciated and feeling like he has lost his life, and I need to fix this. He is giving me one last chance as this isn’t the first time we have had this fight, and I want things to really change this time. I don’t have insurance so therapy is too expensive, and I’m not religious so I don’t have a pastor or anything. I am going to get a gym membership this week, and am open to self help books. Any help or suggestions are needed and much appreciated.
Post # 3
You’ve taken a good first step in realizing your behavior is destructive.
Remind yourself that he is with you of his own free will and out of love. If he wanted to be with someone else, he would.
Remind yourself that you can control your emotions. You owe him an apology, big time. And, from now on, even if you feel irrationally jealous (which we all do at times) you don’t have to tell him you’re feeling that way. Learn to keep some negative emotions to yourself.
Find some things about yourself that you like. Look in the mirror, there has to be something you like about yourself. Don’t compare yourself to other people but learn to appreciate yourself and what you have to offer.
Post # 5
Get some hobbies. Develop your self worth into something that isn’t just about the way you look.
And stop telling him to turn away from stuff on TV. That sounds absolutely mental. No offense.
Post # 6
Trust me,Ive apologized perfusely. I do have things I like, my face is the one thing I have no issues with, for some reason my body is another story. I had an elective surgery this past march that had complications and then again, have gained weight.I struggled with weight and in 6th grade when I was under 5ft I weighed about 150 pounds, which lead to an eating disorder, then body dismorphic disorder when I lost all of the weight. I went to councelling for that and. I no longer have an eating disorder, but the body image is still out of whack. My fiancé has helped so much and truly makes me feel beautiful, but I guess it’s just hard to see what he sees. I truly want to change not only to save the relationship with him, but also so I can betrue best person I can be. Life is too short and I’m too young to be like this. Thank you for your response.
Post # 7
@Double_rainbow: Trust me I feel mental for it lol, no offense taken.
Post # 8
@Sunfire: Very good advice!
Post # 9
@crystaldarling: Hugs! You will be fine. Everyone has struggles, you’re not alone. We all feel this way from time to time. Just let him know you’re aware this is your issue with yourself and not take it out on him. If you slip up, apologize immediately so he will know you’re working on it.
Everyone in the world has struggled with insecurity and jealousy at times. Sometimes we just don’t feel that great about ourselves. But, you know what? It’s much better to be a REAL and humble human being capable of admitting flaws than to be a narcissitic person who’s cold as ice. I’m sure your SO loves you very much just the way you are.
Learn to know you are very lovable! When you love things about yourself it helps a lot with the insecurity and jealousy. It’s taken my entire life to learn to love myself but it’s worth the effort. I was a lot like you when I was younger but now I feel more confident and secure. I still have issues like everyone else but I know I’m a good and kind person who really loves people and has a lot to give. I’m not better than anyone else, by any stretch, but at least now I know why my FI loves me and what I contribute to his life – Love!!
You give him love. 🙂 Isn’t that great??
Post # 10
@Sunfire: I can’t say it better than this.
Do things you enjoy that nurture yourself. Like Double_rainbow said, find some hobbies. Also, exercise is a wonderful thing to do for both your mind and your body, so it’s great you’re getting a gym membership. This sounds weird, but eating nutritious, unprocessed food can also improve mental state. I’d also look at things you’re good at, and encourage those talents; a sense of accomplishment and success will help build your self-esteem.
I think we ladies are bombarded so much with images of “perfect” people we end up at war with our bodies, trying to conquer them. We feel lesser because we can’t look like perfection, but feel like we should. It’s easy to forget that our bodies are such wonderful, complicated things, that it’s a miracle they work at all. Our bodies do so much for us! When you start feeling bad about yourself, think of what an amazing thing your body is, and think of it not as something that should be forced to be something it’s not, but something that should be loved and nourished.
Post # 11
I used to be exactly like you, except my issues were general jealousy/confidence issues as opposed to weight-related. You can get over this, but you have to stop trying to control what he watched etc – this is only reinforcing your issues. Once you let go and accept that he can see a pretty woman on TV while also loving you, you will get over this much faster. Good luck
Post # 12
FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT, girl!
Post # 13
Thank you aloffer the advice and words of encouragement. For those o you who do/ did struggle with jealousy, what did you do to put it in the back of your mind and just stop feeling it? I do like what was said that he is with me on his free will, that helps know he is with me, and chooses not to be with the people he could be that are prettier. Thank you for saying that, and thank you other ladies again for the in depth responces, it means a lot!
Post # 14
you might not wanna hear this but — THERAPY. i do not have insurance and i pay out of pocket for therapy. it is a significant expense but i have to say it is the best money i have ever spent. also, i pay less than i would because they have a sliding scale. i have a couple of friends who go to a local university and get therapy from people who are in their final years of training and need the credit hours. it’s very inexpensive.
Post # 15
I don’t struggle with jealousy issues, but I do with self-esteem/confidence (normal for everyone to).
I think the most important thing for anyone is not to base their confidence in self-appearance on how others perceive them. I know it’s really hard to do this, but you have to try to on some level. Because when we get too caught up in how other people find us attractive, it’s much harder for us separate how we look at ourselves from how other people are looking at us.
Do you spend all your time with your SO? If you do, I would suggest taking some time off for yourself. Go to the gym, maybe take some walks to relax, treat yourself to a manicure/pedicure or maybe spa treatment. Do things you enjoy doing just for yourself. It’s hard for you to feel 100% better about yourself overnight, but I think when you start doing things for yourself again, you’ll slowly get there. Getting a facial might make you feel like – hey, my skin feels unclogged, I feel refreshed, my skin looks really good today! And you’ll be learning what the self-good feeling feels like again – on your own, separate from relying on your SO to make you feel good about yourself. It doesn’t even have to be about physical appearance. Do something you’ve been meaning to do, but never did – it’ll give you a sense of accomplishment – because it’s equally as important for you to feel good about the inside as well as the outside. When you feel good about the things you’re doing for yourself, and the things you’re getting done that you put aside before, it’ll give you the strength and encouragement to keep going forward on your journey towards self-confidence.
Face yourself in the mirror everyday and repeat a positive mantra. Tell yourself, “I love this man, and he loves me. My negativity is hurting our relationship and I am being my own worst enemy. I’m going to be positive about myself, and our relationship/love so I can be the best person I can be for him, and for myself.”
Find one new positive thing to say about yourself/thing you like about yourself, whether it’s in or out, everyday and tell yourself that you’re beautiful always.
Post # 16
Start small… everyday when you get up in the morning look and the mirror and tell yourself something that you like about yourself. Then tell yourself something small that you are going to do today to make yourself feel better (ie, go for a walk, cuddle with your FI, read a book… anything). Adjusting your attitude and outlook look on life if the first thing you need to worry about, once you can get up in the morning and say “I look forward to today” the rest will start to fall into place.