How do you move on after a parent passes away?

posted 3 years ago in Wellness
Post # 2
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MRS-K: I am sorry for your loss.

Both my parents are dead. I had two small children at the time so I didn’t have the option to not work. I had to get up each day, put one foot in front of the other and go about my life providing for them.

Have you considered grief counselling? You know that your mother would not want you to remain in the state you are in. She would want you to be happy- even without her.

Post # 4
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m so sorry to hear about that. My dad was diagnosed on June 1, then died January 20th, a few years ago. It was all so sudden. But I don’t think you just “move on” like people expect you to…you kinda just keep living and it gets easier…not like it’s less painful, but you find ways to cope, I guess. I took it very hard when my dad died. I lost all of my friends. I felt completely alone. But I’m better now…I still have random urges to cry and sometimes feel like I’ve lost everything. Shoot, my stepmom died two years after my dad and it REALLY felt like I lost everything. But what I do is just try to improve my life…that’s kinda all I have left, is to just keep going and making my life better. Your mom would want you to be happy, so try. But it’s okay to be sad about it. Grief counseling helps sometimes. Sorry my post is all over the place…I just feel like grief isn’t easily defined and every person is different…wishing you the best!!!

Post # 6
Member
31 posts
Newbee

MRS-K:  I’m very sorry for your loss.  A sudden diagnosis & death is very difficult to deal with.  My dad also died of lung cancer, about 1 month after he was diagnosed.  Or 1 month after he TOLD us he was diagnosed, which I am more inclined to believe. He actually died by never waking up from a small surgery to implant a device to administer cancer fighting drugs, so it came on quick.

My advice is to embrace regular life & routine.  That is how life goes on.  You’ve taken a leave already.  You won’t feel better until you aren’t dwelling in your loss anymore.  Go out with your girlfriends or on a proper date night with your husband.  Go bowling or horseback riding, golfing, running, or karaoke-ing or what ever you used to do.  Force yourself to do it when you have no energy.  It’s a fake it till you make it kind of thing.  

This is contingent on you having the support you need at home, from friends & from family.  If you haven’t had that, then as PP’s have suggested, maybe you should seek grief counseling (Or seek it anyway)  Or at least some Xanax for a proper nights sleep.  

Life does go on & you will feel better.  Just like your mom would want you to.  It takes time.

Post # 7
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry for your loss. 

My dad passed away in 2009 and I went through everything you described. I also left my job because I felt like I couldn’t cope. 

In the end, getting myself out of the house and being active and social and starting work again was the only thing that helped. 

I’m glad I had time off to grieve and feel sad and process but it’s easy for that time off to cross the line from helpful and healthy into depressing and unhealthy.

Do what’s right for you, but maybe drag yourself out there and see what happens. You just might feel better. You will always miss her every day, but it does get easier.

Post # 8
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

This also happened to my family.  Personally my profound grief took well over a year before I felt like I didn’t have to cry all the time.  Don’t be hard on yourself.  I sent you a message too.  I have to tell you, because NO one could have told me, but it does get easier.  Take care.

Post # 9
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I can only imagine how difficult it is to lose your mom. Although I haven’t lost a parent, my younger brother (and only sibling) was in a horrific car accident two years ago. He is 26 years old in a diaper with a feeding tube. He can’t speak and can’t move, and I took it very hard. It was at least a full year before I felt any resemblance to myself, and things are much better now two years out. Grief is something that no one is prepared for. It’s not something you can force yourself to get through faster just because you want to feel better. 

Take good care of yourself and do what feels right.

Post # 10
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

MRS-K:  my heart goes out to you for your loss. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. I barely got out of bed for years after my mom passed away, (also very quickly a month after she was diagnosed and 9 days after we found out it was terminal), my father on the other hand remodeled the kitchen and became a social butterfly.  My grades dropped my last semester in school and I was one of the people they let go from the firm that I started with after just a couple of months. 

I resisted help for a long time, but what I understand now is depression is a physiological disease. A shock to your system can physically affect your bodies ability to produce normal levels of certain chemicals which can then lead to depression.  Antidepressants for someone who is depressed are sort of like a diabetic who needs insulin. No one tells a diabetic to just “snap” out of it or go out with their friends to feel better. Yes diet and excercise will help, but some people need more help than what they can do on their own. 

Post # 11
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

MRS-K:  I’m soo sorry for your loss. My nan (who brought me and my siblings up- my real mother wasn’t around!) was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in October also, at the time we had also found out the cancer had spread! I spent the majority of my time caring for my nan at home As well as looking after my 2 children. On December 11th I gave birth to my 3rd child and on December 27th I realised I could do no more for my nan and the pain she was in was unreal  my nan passed on New years eve! 

I don’t really have any advice for you, I know for me I take each day at a time and my baby is a spitting image of my nan, I will admit I have started drinking a lot more than normal just to help me get to sleep! I would not recommend doing this it’s cause arguments upon arguments! 

I was given a bit of advice off a friend – you never get over the death of someone you live you just learn to live without them! 

At the time I thought she was talking nonsense but now I’m learning every day how to live without her being by my side, without her wiping my tears. 🙁 

it is hard I mean it’s coming up to 5 months for me I know she’s with my and my family not a day goes by where I don’t think of her!

I hope your okay. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad passed away in October, and while he was older and in failing health, it was still a shock. You just have to keep going. Go back to work. The more you sit at home, the more you have time to dwell on it and you get into this horrible “what if” cycle. Get back to a normal routine and stick to it.

And yes, once in a while you’ll have a reminder and it’ll just set off a whole mess of crying. That’s normal too. I was doing fine, and then I realized that our invitations still had both names on it. I totally lost it. But I had to keep going. Life doesn’t stop because he passed on. I still have the mortgage, bills, the wedding is still going as planned. So if I fall apart, everything starts going downhill. And I know that if my dad was alive and I was letting things fall apart, he’d give me the lecture of a lifetime. Just keep going and remember that this does get better. It doesn’t stop hurting when you think about it, but it gets less sharp, and you’ll be able to handle it.

Post # 13
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think you need to see a counselor and a doctor, ASAP.  I think getting back into a routine is one thing that will save you.  Also, you should have an MD check you for clinical depression or any other medical condition, IMO.

 

I am very sorry for your loss.

Post # 14
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

MRS-K:  So sorry for your loss. My father died when I was 17 and it was rough. He had been sick for a year and it was expected. I was still in school at the time and only took a week off I think. I chose to be happy that he wasn’t suffering anymore and was at peace in heaven. I still missed him of course but it was much harder for my mother. She took at least a year before the spontaneous crying stopped and she still misses him everyday (he died 20 years ago this September).

My advice is to take one day at a time and go through your grief but don’t wallow in it. Do what you need to do. Talk about your mom and don’t bottle it up inside. My mom went to a support group for other people who lost their spouse through cancer and she found it very helpful. Get back into your every day routine as hard as it may be first.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  LarLa.
Post # 15
Member
38 posts
Newbee

MRS-K:  Hello, I am sorry for your loss! My mom too died a year ago, and is not easy; it is devastating, but you have to be strong and think that she is in a better place where she feels no more pain and rests in peace.  Pray for her a lot, talk to her ask her blessing and the strength you need, and kiss her pictures, is not easy, but you have to keep going and to move forward, a mom want to see us nothing but happy and to move on, now you too have a little star in the sky that watches after you.

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