- 7 years ago
I’ve come to realize lately that I struggle a lot with being insecure, and it affects my relationship with SO very negatively. It also affects me very negatively.
I never received much affirmation as a child, my last SO cheated on me (with a good friend of ours and lied about it for several months when I asked if something was wrong, if something was going on, why he was spending so much time with her, etc.), and I just generally have very low self esteem.
So now I am finding that in this relationship, I am constantly feeling like I am not good enough. My SO has a good friend who is a woman, and I feel as though I am competeing with her for his attention often. I also feel like I am not good enough for him – not because of anything he does, just because it’s how I feel. I can’t help but wonder what will happen if someday he meets someone who is a better match for him than I am. [edit to add: nothing is going on with his friend. They are on the same team at work and end up spending a lot of time in the evenings brainstorming or project working from home, which involves “chatting” on their company instant messaging system, so it’s really as much his job that I’m competeing with for attention.]
I’ve talked with him about these insecurities at length, and he has done everything he can to reassure me. He is attracted to me, he loves me, he compliments me, he thanks me for doing things like cooking or cleaning; he goes out of his way to let me know that I am special and that he wants to be with me, and I do believe him, but I can’t shake the insecurity.
Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not worried about him leaving me. I know, rationally, that this is all in my head – and that’s the problem. I desperately want to be able to turn off these insecurities, the jealousies, the self esteem problems.
There are good days and bad days, and this weekend has been a very bad day. I spent all of last night and the better part of this morning crying. He sat by me, held me, rubbed my back, tried his best to reassure me. (I think part of this weekend is also hormonal; it is rarely this bad.)
I’d love to go to counseling, but we are living paycheck to paycheck and managing our money very carefully already, and it isn’t covered by our insurance policy. I’ve been out of work for quite a while and while I get odd jobs here and there, our financial situation is somewhat unstable, aside from his checks, which cover the basics like rent, bills, groceries.
I think being unable to find a job has also been a root cause of my recent drop in self esteem. It’s very tough feeling like a failure all the time, getting back rejection letters from people who won’t even give me an interview, and having the short term employers tell me they’d love to hire me, but don’t have any positions open.
I guess I just need 1) some encouragement that it will get better, and 2) advice on how to move past insecurity and recognize my own positive potential. I’m tired of feeling emotionally fractured, and want to be whole.