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Bump?
Could really use some rationality and some advice..as stupid as that is. Lol
Eh, I guess it is what it is. I totally get why you feel a little peeved but I suppose some people either don't have the budget or don't think its important to pick out a gift that is in the same price range as the one you got them. Maybe they dont realize the difference? Are you already receiving gifts before your wedding?
@misschickpea: This is based mainly on a few couples RSVPing "No" that we went to their wedding and got them nice gifts. Maybe it's a bit premature (maybe?) but it doesn't seem like it. Who knows though. Also, I'm just a bit annoyed (stupidly) that some people didn't bother coming to our shower when we went to theirs, etc. I know, petty, but it's just a feeling. It's not like I'd ever act upon this feeling. I just needed to sort of vent and look for some words of wisdom. :)
I try several tactics. I tell myself that I'm fortunate that I'm in a financial position to have been able to afford a nice gift for them and that perhaps money is too tight for them to do it now.
Or I tell myself that there have been times when I've made a similar faux pas (of sorts) because I wasn't thinking or didn't know better.
Sometimes I use it to reflect on the friendship as a whole; does this mean we're not really as close as I had thought we were? Is it time to reconsider how I value them? Not because they gave me a small gift, but because the small gift was the symptom that caught my attention. The only time I give small gifts is when I'm not actually invested in a couple, so I evaluate whether that's what's going on. If in all other areas of life the gift-giver is a pretty good friend to me and seems to value me, I let that drop. This one usually only comes up if I know they can afford it and that they've given larger gifts to other people.
My mantra that I go to first is, "It's the thought that counts, so what's the thought?" Maybe it's a cheaper gift with a lot of meaning (My friend's Oma gave me a wafflemaker because she used to make waffles for us in the morning when I spent the night; I got my friend a lazy suzan for her shower because it was a "revolver" and her favorite game was Clue). Maybe my idea of what is an expensive gift is way different than this person's idea of an expensive gift; if I gave them a $200 gift but they NEVER give more than an $80 wedding gift, I can't really expect them to give me and only me a $200 gift for my wedding when they give $80 gifts to people who matter to them just as much as I do.
Oh man, that is frustrating. Venting is a good idea; feelings are okay as long as we don't prematurely act on them. I'd be really annoyed if I went to trouble to go to a friend's shower but she didn't go to mine just because. I do have a few friends who think showers are stupid, though, and find them to be the wedding industrial complex's plot to get more money out of wedding guests. I don't expect to have a wedding shower, actually, but if I did I wouldn't mind those friends not coming to my shower...but I would probably go to their showers with a gift of wine or a book instead of something off the registry.
@HappierKate: Yeah, unfortunately these people aren't in the showers are stupid camp...or at least I assume so, since THEY had showers. Lol. I guess I just always think there will be some sort of reciprocity and tend to be disappointed (quietly) when it doesn't work out that way.
And thank you X a million for your words! I do like to think about all the logical reasons - is it money? is it lack of ... something else? is it the friendship? There hasn't really been a case of "smaller gift than we gave," it's been more...we gave them a nice gift and haven't gotten anything but an RSVP "No." Or in one case, we don't have their RSVP back yet!! Or a "Oh, your shower is tomorrow? That should be fun!" *No show* Just, ugh. I have issues. Lol.
Hmm.. times are tough! When FI and I went to his uncle's wedding in Sonoma, we were only able to gift a small amount of money. We're strapped kids and had already spent a good deal of money on transportation/the hotel room.. I still felt guilty though!
I have a question: Do people still go to showers if they have no intention of going to the actual wedding? I suppose it's their chance to say congratulations and gift the bride... but is it weird?
Also, would people keep track of the exact amount you spent on their wedding gift? I can't imagine the couple scanning a saved wedding excel spreadsheet and locating your name and going, "Oh yea, they got us a really nice $300 gift! Let's stiff 'em!" Personally, the gift depends on the budget we're financially comfortable with at the time of the wedding. If I could gift people more I totally would. I hate feeling guilty about my gifts. :|
@QCamB: 26 days! Cue the panic attack! Lol. Oh trust me I understand the money issues! We were in college still during most of these other weddings so trust me, we get it! We always did what we could. I'm not saying we spent massive amounts on the couples I have in mind, but we did spend enough to not feel badly, based on our situation.
Also, I'm not sure if people go to showers if they aren't coming. I know I sound super vague in my posts (because I'd never want any of them to *know* I felt this way) but the ones that didn't come to the showers are some that RSVP'd yes. Different than the ones that RSVP'd no and/or haven't RSVP'd at all. There are a few couples in this mix, lol.
It isn't a big vs small gift either. It's a gift vs no gift (so far, so I know I may be jumping the gun!)
That's really disappointing! I kind of feel the same way; not just about weddings, but other things in life too. If I go to a friend's house at 2 in the morning with some icecream whenever she has an emotional crisis, I kind of expect her to be there when I need her. Not necessarily right at 2 in the morning, but at least sometime during the week. To not even get an IM with, "Hey, how're you holding up?" is frustrating. It feels very one-sided.
It's the same way with weddings. "If she made an effort to come to mine, I should make an effort to go to hers," is a good rule to follow, I think...obviously you're not required to go, but an effort is nice. I wish we could require people to write explanations for the "No" response on the back, I try to do that if I have to RSVP "No."
It sounds like you have some flaky people to contend with. Is this just what those people tend to be like with everyone? If your friends are in their mid-twenties or younger, they might not even realize that they're flaking out on you.
@HappierKate: I think we could be friends IRL. Lol. I am soooo that way. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. I scratch yours and you leave me hanging? We may have some issues. I feel this way about lots of things as well. It's a mutual respect thing in my opinion.
I agree, I'd love to see some explanations! Most of the older crowd has gone so far as to call me or write a LETTER explaining why they can't come. (Well, the one that RSVP'd no so far did.) Why does my generation have to be a bunch of...well, I'll leave my word of choice out. ha. ;) Some are mid-20s, some are late 20s and one is early 30s.
@AmeliaBedelia: We would always have enough icecream!
I've noticed that too, my parents' generation and my grandparents' generation are fantastic about...pretty much everything. Responses on RSVP cards, thank-you notes, Christmas cards, etc.
My generation is kind of in lala land. I wonder if most peoples' parents just got lazy and didn't think to pass down those skills? Maybe it's because we're the internet generation and so used to instant gratification that we're out of practice with responses that require effort?
I hope your shower was nice though, despite the flakes. Maybe because it was a casual shower with a younger crowd, people were more laid back about going?
The best part about the person who didn't RSVP yet is that once the deadline is there you can call to get the response. Then he or she will probably tell you why. I have a plan in place to pretend that RSVPs of "No" that really confuse me got lost in the mail so I can call people up and maybe figure out what's up. It's a last resort, and it's definitely rude of me, but there are some people where a "No" would really confuse me, given how excited they act about the wedding.
@QCamB: I did do this once - go to the shower but not the wedding. My old college roomie's wedding was the same day as a pre-wedding event for a wedding that I was actually in... so I went to her shower and brought my gift there and caught up for a while.
I was annoyed, but it is what it is. I'm not talking about not recipricating gifts even but people who I sent gifts to (and nice ones) didn't even get me a card :( boo.
Weddings really show you people's true colors and where you stand i guess.
@Atalanta: Weddings really show you people's true colors and where you stand i guess.
So true. I've learned a lot over the last year and planning this wedding.
@atalante: That was really nice of you and a good compromise since you couldn't be there! I wish our "friends" <-- used loosely...were that courteous. I also wish they even had an excuse! ha.
@HappierKate: Ice cream and reciprocity! YES, sign me UP! Wanna be neighbors?? Lol. And I agree. I feel like I'm one of the few of my "group" that managed to catch that lesson. I have Thank Yous out by the day after anything! Lol. My Mom was very good about instilling that into us - always be thankful. It's not a choice. Lol.
AND lol at the calling the "No" people. I totally think I might. Let's hear the excuse in person, none of this vague bull.
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...when people who you bought nice gifts for at their wedding don't return the favor?
I *know* gifts are not reciprocal. I *know* that it's ridiculous to even think about it.
But I'm being serious. How do YOU deal with it? We're dealing with it right now and are trying our best to not be a little peeved...tips? tricks? mantras? Ugh.