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I think you just need to do it naturally. Don't stress too much over it, but consider family. I wasn't as big of a fan of having my cousin in the wedding party either, but I knew it meant a lot to her. She actually got pregnant and was due the week before my wedding, so she stepped down knowing she might not be able to make it. Shortly after, she lost the baby, and I knew I had to ask her to be in it again. It's just something you have to do sometimes.
Good luck with your choice!
I picked my sister, my FSIL, and my closest friend. I think asking his sister would be a really nice gesture. She can always say no if she's not interested, or, if she says yes and then acts disinterested, that's no biggie, you have your 2 close friends!!! :)
I think that Ottowabride is right about asking the sister. And if you want to keep it even and sister says yes, you have an out for cousin. Sisters trump cousins. If the sister says no, I would probably default to the cousin, just to keep good blood. UNLESS you have another close friend or something you really did want in it and they would be taking her place, but it doesn't sound like that.
I am also having a hard time. My sister invited herself to be a BM, and I hadn't planned on asking her but in the interest of peacekeeping, I let it go. I asked my FI's two sisters. (He has a third sister, but she made it pretty clear that she wants nothing to do with our wedding before we even got engaged. If that has changed, I haven't heard.) I really, really want to ask my three best friends from high school whom I am still close with, but FI doesn't have that many people to ask, and I don't want uneven sides. :(
I am having two of my cousins as BM's, one friend who I've known forever, another friend, and my FSIL (she's engaged to my FI's brother). So in total all 5 are good friends...and I'm also having my third girl cousin be my junior bridesmaid since she'll only be 9. Good luck! It's hard cause I have another friend that isn't in it that I feel sort of bad about...but my FI cannot think of anyone else to be on his side...I already stuck him with one of my brothers lol.
i know the initial excitement of getting engaged can make you feel like "i want every girlfriend/family member/coworker i know to be my BM!!" but honestly take your time and really think about who you want beside you during that day... not only for the ceremony but who will keep you calm in the morning getting ready, who is genuinely going to help you out, who will make you feel special and not take the spotlight or cause drama.
for me it was easy i guess because i don't have that many girlfriends (like 4, seriously) and no close cousins or anything. i have one sis, who of course is my MOH (we are very close and shes my sis! ), then FI's sister (we are not close but i soon realized that this would be an olive branch of sorts..she is my new family) and my best friend since 5th grade ( we have stayed friends for 17 years !! shes in! )
i also wanted a small wedding party... keep things simple. FI has soooooooooooooooo many guy friends though, he could've had 9 guys! but he didn't care that much (and honestly i don't think guys do!) so he said "yeah, 3 is fine.. whatever"
I totally agree with Krissybee. If only I had stopped and thought about that before...But hindsight is 20/20.
I think asking SO's sister is a good idea, as long as you have one or two girls you can really count on, her apathy shouldn't get you down. Maybe she'll surprise you and start helping out a lot!
No one has any right whatsoever to demand a place in your bridal party. You pick whomever you are closest to and who is most supportive of you and your relationship. That means don't include *anyone* out of obligation or because you are forced/guilted by others to do so, unless you would have chosen them in the first place.
I'd say just pick whoever you feel comfortable with and if you don't want your cousin or friend in it then just ask them to be readers (that's how I dealt with my jealous sister). It's a role that gets a bit of a spotlight, but doesn't mean that they'll be planning the bach or anything.
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SO and I aren't even engaged yet and people are already assuming they are going to be in my wedding party. I am in my cousin's wedding and I'm already getting the "I better be in your wedding party!" hints. Another friend is picking out places to have a bachelorette party and sending pictures of wedding cakes... BTW, not a fan of her bachelorette party ideas or the cake pics. YEESH. I don't really want EITHER of them in my wedding party. There are 2 girl friends of mine who are absolutely going to be in my bridal party no matter what. After that, I have no idea..... I don't really want to ask my cousin, but if I don't it will probly mean bad blood in the family. Then I'm wondering if I should ask SO's sister... I would love to have her involved but she's pretty disinterested in well..... everything and my SO said she probly wouldn't even want to be in our wedding (which made me kinda sad...). Did anyone else have issues choosing who would be in their wedding party?? My SO is going to have 3 dudes. Period. He picked them out in like 2 seconds. Ah, dudes have it so easy I swear!