(Closed) How do you prepare your marriage for a baby?

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper

Honestly (I don’t have kids!) this sounds cheesy but get a dog. I’ve learned a lot about hubby’s “parenting” style with them and frankly I don’t like some of it. So we’ve talked about it. There’s also things like premarital counseling which you can do to discuss things you don’t think about like childcare, rules, etc. Or maybe even take a parenting class together.

Post # 4
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Marking this one for future reference. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
6512 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ChuckNorris:  I don’t have kids either (that is a few years down the line), but we just got a puppy, and it is WORK!  Way more so than a cat.  It is good because we are finding ways to do the mundane things together and switch off when one of us is tired/sick/working, so I do feel it is a good primer. 

Post # 6
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Jilliebean1: 

@ChuckNorris: 

Oh yeah. A pet for sure BUT dont adopt unless you plan to keep the pet after the baby comes. Its so sad when people get pets to only put them in the shelter later.

 

We got guinea pigs because (I’m allergic to every other animal) and I was having the most serious desires to nurture. I mean I even wanted to nurture a baby it was so bad. But anyways, I now know much more about FH and how he might respond to a baby. For one, he is lazy with their poop. He will clean it, but only with a dust mask on so he doesnt smell it. I clean it 80% of the time. He is amazing when it comes time to feed them. He feeds them 3-4 times a day and every time we go to the grocery he picks out new and different vegetables for them, but not the vegetables that are bad for them. He keeps a running list of what they can and cant eat which is something I never expected him to do. He also knows what their favorite foods are…oh the list goes on and on.

Post # 7
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper

@sarahbabs:  I do too! I mean, obviously a child is a lot more of everything – emotional commitment, financial commitment, toughness, etc but it is a great stepping stone IMO. We have learned a lot about each other.

@sheepandbear:  That is so sad!!!! My girls are here to stay. I love them soooo much…they are seriously my babies!

Post # 8
Member
7794 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ChuckNorris:  I’ve got to respectfully disagree on getting a pet. We had a cat and I don’t see how it helped at all. With a pet you can change the rules, you can be inconsistent, and it mostly doesn’t matter. One of the hardest things I’ve found about being a parent is being consistent. My oldest child is an adult and I still have trouble getting it (consistency) right, in fact I endured a major teenager meltdown only last night because I didn’t get it right.

Parenting books helped a little I guess. The hardest thing though is being on the same page, i.e. communicating wuth your husband so that you handle things consistently. So working on communication with your husband can only help. Including talking about how you might handle certain things.

Post # 9
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@ChuckNorris:  I know. Since I have guinea pigs, I hear so many parents saying they want to get their kids a guinea pig as a starter pet then “upgrade” them to a puppy in a year or two. Well, guinea pigs live 5-8 years and they end up in shelters. Piggies just want to be loved.

 

@paula1248:  I’m not a parent yet, but I do know that for some people just keeping an animal alive and healthy is a huge step in the right direction. When having a pet (thats not a cat–cats are for the most part easy to care for) it often takes two people to work together to keep that animal happy. Dogs need to be walked daily for 30 minutes. They need to be taken outside to poop multiple times a day. They need to be trained (which is hard work.) When our guinea got sick, we had to feed it mushed up food every hour (including the night) for 3 days. While being consistent is very important, I assume there are other aspects which a person can benefit from having a pet.

Post # 10
Member
7794 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sheepandbear:  Well that’s about being capable of doing work and having a routine. Most of us learn that in school or the workforce, so I don’t think a pet would help.

The other problem I have is dogs live about 10 years and so you’re saddling yourself with extra work when baby comes along. It’s really hard to give attention to pets when you have a baby. Personally I think the ideal is no pets when baby comes. (We did have our cat when our first was born, but when he died we didn’t get a new one until the kids were older).

Post # 11
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@paula1248:  I can completely agree with you about “no pets” when the baby comes. All of that stuff I listed about having a dog is just added stress and work and I cant imagine having one AND a newborn. One baby is often enough for parents.

I do know from personal experience that the guinea pigs have helped me, but everybody is different, and I havent had a baby yet so I’m not even sure. If it hasnt helped us prepare for the baby, it has for sure helped our relationship.

Edit: I did want to say that we knew we werent having kids for another 6-7 years anyways so we were ok with getting our pets and now do not have plans to have kids until our pets have passed.

Post # 12
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper

@paula1248:  I think cats and dogs are very different. Dogs are much more like children. I think they have actually taught me TO BE consistent. But to each their own.

Post # 13
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Beats me. I got pregnant (while on BC pills!) PRIOR to the wedding. We just dealt with it.

Post # 14
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m reading a book called ‘Baby-proofing your marriage’. I don’t know if it’s making me feel like my marriage is more prepared for my coming baby, but at least I feel like I’m learning a little bit about what I’m in for! The book is honestly so negative. It basically says that after kids, women completely stop wanting sex, which makes men feel abandoned and depressed, and men have no appreciation for how much work mothers do to keep the kid taken care of and the house clean, which makes women feel underappreciated and overwhelmed. Lots of overgeneralizations, but there is surely some truth to them, on average, though not applicable to everybody. I have gotten some stuff out of it that seems helpful though. For instance, it says that women (who, by virtue of having breasts, tend to be the primary caregivers of the baby at least at first) tend to learn ‘how to do all the parenting stuff’ before (or instead of) their husbands, and then hover over and correct their husbands when they are doing stuff wrong. This can lead to the slippery slope of the guy figuring ‘well, she is so much better than me at all this baby stuff, I can’t seem to get it right, I’ll just let her do it’… and then that can continue, and the husband doesn’t help out much with the kid, so the wife feels overwhelmed, and the husband doesn’t appreciate the workload –> lack of understanding –> fights and bitterness. Now keep in mind that I do not yet have kids! But when I read this it made a lot of sense. My husband and I at least have a heads up now on the typical types of problems that lead to disagreements in a marriage after baby arrives. 

Post # 15
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Getting our puppy together was a big eye opener for me. I found out a lot of my FIs parenting style will involve me doing everything and him having fun with our child. I dont know if I would suggest it as prep though unless you were already wanting one. Pets are for life. I feel so bad for the ones that are in the kijiji ads…..no time, had baby, got bigger than I thought. …. do your research and make a commitment to the animal if you get one. If commitment is not your thing try fostering for a rescue 🙂

 

Post # 16
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

There is no way to prepare your marriage for a baby.  However, one thing to keep your mind open to is the fact that some marriages fail based on the manner in which the marital relationship had to change to accommodate the baby/child. 

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