Post # 1
So it’s 7:30am here now and FI called me about a half hour ago to tell me that his grandmother passed away in the early hours of the morning.
She was 87 years old and became very sick. She recently had a stroke and was deteriorating quite quickly. She was going through organ failure all at home.
Bees, FI’s grandmother was basically his mom. She essentially raised him. He even called her mommy. I know that he is going to absolutely break.
I have never lost anyone close to me. All but one of my grandparents are gone, but I was never close to any of them. I lived in a different city to them and I was very young when they passed. Plus I work with old people, and I used to work in a hospital basically surrounded by dying people so I’m pretty desensitised to the whole death thing. To me elderly people die… it’s just the way the world works.
So bees, how do support FI? How do I be there for him? What do I say and do? How do I not say/do the wrong thing?
Post # 3
Just be around them, allow them the space to think and express themselves whichever way they need. I lost both my grandparents last year within four months of each other and I was VERY close to them.
Remember the grieving process is like a rollercoaster. Sometimes they’ll be up and sometimes they’ll be down all at the same time.
Just be there without trying to make it better for them. Just be there.
Post # 4
A few years ago, my ex’s father died of a sudden heart attack. It happened right at the start of our senior year of college, and we were both completely blown away and devastated. I had never met most of his family before then, but I took a week off from classes and traveled with him home to the funeral.
My biggest advice to you right now is to just be there. Make sure he (and his family) know they can lean on you for anything. Try and do little stuff ahead of time or that they might not think about while they’re dealing with the grief process – run errands, make phone calls, clear tables, etc.
There is no real “wrong” way to be, so long as you’re respectful of their loss. Obviously, I’m sure you’re aware that talking about elderly people dying as a normal/expected thing would be a bad idea right now. Just keep the words “I’m so sorry” and “Is there anything I can do?” at the forefront of your mind during this time.
Post # 5
When my BF lost a sibling, I accidentally helicoptered and tried to make sure he was okay and it was tough to back off and let him be sad by himself. It’s what he needed to do even though I’d rather have shouldered it with him, I had to let him do it.
But, everyone grieves differently and there isn’t really any specific advice I can give except often the grief pours out at odd times when you think everything is going to smooth and you just sort of have to read each situation as it comes.
Post # 6
That’s a tough situation to deal with, and I’m sorry that you’re put in this rough spot. My mother passed away in January, and the best thing my FI did was just be there for me. There were times I wanted to be alone, and there were times I thought I would go nuts if he wasn’t there. You just have to let him do his thing, and be there when he needs you, give him space when he doesn’t. The biggest thing is to let him talk, let him get his feelings out, and just nod in agreement. Most of what he says will just be things he needs to hear himself say. Just show support.
I will say that he will probably snap at you at some point. Or maybe even several points. Don’t take offense. It’s not you, it’s his crazy emotions that will come out in many different ways. I screamed at my FI a few weeks after my mom passed and he basically just took it. Later, when I had calmed down, he told me that he understood it wasn’t that I was just being a bitch, but my emotions were all over the place and he expected it to be that way. Your FI might even be like that every once in awhile for months afterwards. Just roll with it. That’s one of the best things my FI did for me and is still doing for me. You’ll both get through it!