(Closed) How do you tastefully ask a bridesmaid to step down??

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
8354 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Sorry you are having so many problems with her. I would just contact her and let her know that if she doesn’t show up Friday that she will not be able to be in the wedding. You can let her know, if you want that she is more than welcome to come to the wedding and the reception, but under the circumstances she won’t be able to be in the wedding if she doesn’t show up. I think that is the most tactful way to do it. I don’t know what her excuses have been, so I can’t say whether or not she will be hurt by it. She may be going through some bigger issues right now that she doesn’t want to share with you.

Post # 5
Member
8354 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

When you contact her, let her know how hurt you are and have been by what she has done. Let her know that whatever is really bothering her can be told to you and you won’t be mad. Just tell her you want her to be honest with you. If she is honest and she has valid reasons for behaving the way she has, then make your decision as to whether or not you want her to still be in the wedding.

Post # 6
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee

Unless she has a really good reason I would oust her. Agree 100% with noritake!

Post # 7
Member
46128 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would agree with noritake22 .I would ask her to be honest with me. If she doesn’t come out with something reasonable, I would ask her straight out”Are you avoiding me because you are having money problems?’

Think about this ahead of time because if she admits that this is why she is avoiding you, then you need to know if you still want her in the wedding if she agrees to pay for the dress after the wedding. Be aware that you may still have difficulty collecting.

If she is having money troubles, you can offer her the opportunity to step down but stll attend the wedding as a guest.

As far as selling the dress is concerned- will your other maids be selling their dresses?

If so, you can get it back from her and try to recoup your losses.

Post # 8
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m going against the flow. It seems to me that nowadays brides expect too much of their bridesmaids. They only need to get the dress and show up on time.

To me it sounds like she is having money problems and is probably embarassed. You can’t assume anything about someone else’s fianaces. I couldn’t imagine kicking someone out of the party because they didn’t come to events. How close are you to her? Is your FI closer? Maybe he can talk to her. Maybe he can ask what’s up and if there is anything she wants to talk about.

Again, I would never kick someone out because they aren’t coming to all of my parties they aren’t obligated to come to.

Post # 9
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am going to agree with Miss Tatoo here.  I think you are expecting too much.  A bridesmaid only needs to buy the dress and show up.  A MOH usually throws some parties but is not obligated to, it is up to her.  Your bridesmaid is probably having finacial problems, so maybe you can put her on a dress payment plan or sell the dress after the wedding and she can pay the difference. 

Post # 10
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with Miss Tattoo as well.  While I can understand it might be a bit hurtful or puzzling that she didn’t come to the showers or RSVP, I really can’t see how that alone leaves you with “no other choice” than to kick her out of the wedding!  I agree it sounds like she’s having money problems and really, it is YOUR wedding she needed the bridesmaid dress for so why compound the problem by both paying for the dress and still having no BM? 

Post # 11
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Some peopel are funny…. She may not have RSVPd because she might not have thought she had too… maybe she assumed it was a given being she was a bridesmaid. And like PPs she may  be avoiding you do to financial troubles, and while its also understood that being a bridesmaid tends to be expensive and she shouldnt have accepted the position if she couldnt afford it or didnt want to, she did.  And she is your friend.  So if you have to show up at her house to talk to her, I would do so first.  Find out whats really going on then go from there.  If she just wants to be a guest, then get the dress or the  money for the dress and call it a day.

Post # 12
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I heartily disagree that a bridesmaid’s ONLY responsibilities are to buy the dress and show up! Look up “bridesmaid responsibilities” and in every case, there are clear expectations that the bridesmaids should help to plan (and pay for), and certainly plan to attend, the bridal shower and bachelorette party, at the very least. in general, a bridesmaid is expected to be supportive of the bride throughout the planning process, and be available to help in any way possible before and/or during the wedding. Exceptions can be made for long-distance bridesmaids who don’t have the means to attend these events or help with planning, but that’s not the case here. If a potential BM feels she cannot live up to the role, she should not accept!

So I say, don’t let her be a bridesmaid if it’s going to cause you aggravation or resentment during the wedding. But before you jump to conclusions, do call her and express your disappointment that she’s been so distant and non-responsive, and give her a chance to explain. You can even gently ask if it’s a money issue; it very well may be that that’s what is causing her to avoid you altogether. If that is the case, be empathetic and consider letting her know that you’d rather she participate freely (in the bachelorette party and the wedding, too), and work out the dress payment issue later. After all, she did play a key part in your relationship and she has been in your lives for a long time, so she deserves a chance to redeem herself before you cut her out.

Good luck – I hope you can work it out before the big day!

Post # 13
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I also agree with @Miss Tattoo:.

I would NEVER expect friends to pay for my shower! And if they cant come im might be sad but thats it. As a bride its hard to remember that everyones life doesnt revolve around your wedding.

I would NEVER dream of kicking someone out of my wedding because they missed a few parties. You never know what someone else is going thru, some people share things and others don’t.

Post # 14
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I disagree that she only has to get her dress and show up. She’s clearly been dissing the bride throughout this entire process and it doesn’t sound like she deserves to stand on her wedding day. Just be SURE you are willing to lose her as a friend over this, which is what will happen when you kick her out. And be certain to tell her exactly how her lack of actions have made you feel, not just that she’s wrong for doing ____.

And seriously, $ is no excuse. I had a BM so strapped for cash and PREGNANT. While she wasn’t able to contribute financially to the wedding events, she showed up to every single one and did whatever she could to participate and support me. It’s what you do when you love someone and have been asked to be involved in the  most important day of their life.

Post # 15
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh and as a side note, strangely enough the girl who introduced my sister to her husband (set them up actually) did the EXACT same thing to my sister during her wedding planning. Didn’t show to the shower or bachelorette party, didn’t RSVP, always had lame excuses for not contributing. I know b/c I was the MOH and organizing everything. I honestly think she was jealous of my sister b/c she introduced them and they ended up getting married while her relationship at the time ended and she was lonely.

Post # 16
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I just told her she was out. No niceties about it…well, I did say, “It seems like the wedding is too stressful for you, and it would be better for all people involved if you simply attended as a guest.” I didn’t let her protest–she put me through enough hell.

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