Post # 1
I’m back with yet another dilemma. One of my bridesmaid who does not seem to care about my wedding and never replies to my message just told me that she just decided to move to California, which was a big surprise to me. I have known her for so long and truth be told we have just never been as close as other BFF. The other bridesmaids have graciously offered to pay for their own dresses since my fiancé and I are footing most of the wedding expenses. She is the only one that is asking that I pay for her dress, which I just cannot do right now. When I bring up the possibility of her not being in the wedding she acts like she cares, but the key word here is “ACTS”. I just don’t know what to do with this one do we keep be or not???? I don’t want to lose a friend over this, but its hard considering I feel like I have to cater to someone in my bridal party when I already have so much to deal with.
Post # 3
That’s a tough one. I’m having the same kind of thing except not to that extreme. I’d say have a talk with her and tell her that you cannot afford to pay for her dress, that the BM’s typically pay for their own dresses anyway, and if she cannot buy her dress then she won’t be able to be in the wedding.
Post # 4
Is she moving to CA before your wedding? Is she going to be able to travel back for your wedding? Normally I would say be accomdating and either pay for her dress or find a cheaper dress but in this particular case I think I’m leaning towards telling her that your mind is made up on the dress and you understand if she can’t buy it and be a BM. It gives her an out and still stands your ground that you won’t be walked all over. I would also probably say that if she isn’t comfortable with that amount you would be more than happy to have her wear a dress of her choosing and help in other ways like guest book or as a reader during the ceremony.
Post # 5
Well, if you have been offering an “out” and she “acts” like she doesn’t want out- then, what is going on? If she is mature enough, she should be able to talk honestly with you about whether or not she should be in the wedding. Maybe you need to have an honest talk and lay it all out there.
Post # 6
@eeh2010: She actually already moved and my wedding is not until January. Before her move she told me she was going to the army or something. Im honestly starting to think she is making this stuff up to stress me out or somthing, as sad as that sounds. With the dress thing I’m actually allowing my bridemaid to select whatever dress they want from Bill Levkoff in the same color and material as long as the style is similar. In essence they control the price of the dress.
I may have to give her the ultimatum
Post # 7
I think it is already over. She moved to California. I can see why she wants her dress paid because she will pay for travel expenses right? I am not sure what you should do. I know I would just say she is more than welcome to come if she likes but you cannot afford to purchase her dress. Let her know there are no hard feelings at all if she can’t make it.
Post # 8
If an attendant is causing you more grief than support, or if she can’t handle the responsibilities (and you cannot afford to cover them), then she should not be an attendant. As a bride, you have more pressing things to worry about.
But if your question is how to get rid of her, I suggest posing it as a question:
“Since you have a big life event coming up [moving to CA], and there are already some financial constraints, maybe this is too much obligation for you? Don’t feel as though you’re disappointing me if you need to back out. We would of course still want you at the wedding as our guest!”
I don’t see why her having to back out of the wedding party should challenge your friendship.
Short story: My mom has been friends with a woman, F, since she was a child. One day I noticed that F wasn’t one of my mom’s bridesmaids in my parents’ wedding photos, and I asked why. My mother said, “she was in medical school at the time, and couldn’t participate.” 27 years later, they just spent 4th of July together. Still great friends.
Post # 9
I would just explain to her that you can’t afford to pay for her dress and it wouldn’t be fair to the other bridesmaids if you did. I agree with LALaw if an attendant is causing you more grief than support, maybe you should talk with her about her needing to drop out.
Post # 10
It sounds like the reason she hasn’t been responsive is likely a lot of personal stuff going on in her life. Nobody just says “i’m moving away!” unless there’s a good reason. So it’s possible that your wedding is a blip on the radar compared to her own personal life stuff and stress. I don’t see how that’s unreasonable or selfish. She’s just wrapped up in her own life, much like you’re wrapped up in your wedding. That’s how it goes! As far as the dresses go, yeah she shoudl pay for her own since it’s not like you offered, HOWEVER, i have heard the “proper” thing to do is pay for the bridesmaid dress of out of town bridesmaids. She’s buying a plane ticket, taking time off work (i assume), and maybe staying in a hotel to be in your wedding. Maybe she didnt’ approach it the most tactful way, but it’s something to consider. You could always gift her the dress instead of a present or something like that. That is, if you want her in your wedding. You don’t sound like you even do.
I can’t imagine someone would make stuff up just to stress YOU out. that just sounds ludicrous. She is probably very confused about her life right now and tells you things when they come to her and sound like a good idea. But you know what? People change their minds! Be a good friend and give her a ring and talk to her about her life.
Post # 11
Thanks ladies, I love my bee’s without you would be a mess. This wedding thing can drive a person crazy.
Post # 12
Use her move as an excuse. It sounds like you are being reasonable. Can you offer her some other role that might be more suited to her, since she will be so far away, like doing a reading?