Post # 1
One of my friends just got enaged. I moved away from where we used to be roomates in college, her, her now fiancee, and I.
Last time I saw them together she was pouring out his bottle of whiskey on my front lawn because he had given her an STD by cheating on her. She had found out during her yearly gyno visit. He denied it to her face for 3 weeks after the gyno trip!!!
To be fair, they were always a train wreck. I used to sit in my living room and crank up the TV to drown out their arguments. They have been on/off atleast 4 times since I moved away, and they weren’t even together before they got engaged. I know because I addressed her STD to her and boyfriend, and wedding invite went to her and “guest”.
She is coming to my bridal shower next week and I CANT smile and say congratulations when its such a stupid idea. I am also worried she will ask me to be a bridesmaid which i AM NOT doing. (pay $300 for a dress I cant return when they call the wedding off?)
I dont know how to approach the subject without saying something that will end our friendship. I love the girl but she makes bad decisions and I refuse to pretend to be happy for them.
And I know this is a little self centered, but coming from somone that has been planning a wedding, dealing with family, and meditating heavily on being with someone forever It makes me angry that they are doing this. Its a joke! It is not taking any of this seriously!! She wants to plan a wedding more than she wants to be with this guy forever.
Post # 3
I don’t think you can tell someone not to get married. But you can say your finances are tight, and will have to see about being in the bridal party….then hope they break up in the mean time.
Post # 4
I don’t think I would say anything. It’s her life and her mistake. Saying something to her will ruin your friendship, but it (most likely) will not stop her from marrying this guy. Save your breath. Tell her you can’t be a bridesmaid due to financial reasons since you’ll be a newlywed. Don’t tell her congrats. Just smile pretty and change the subject.
Post # 5
Hmm thats hard to be happy especially if she is getting married for the wedding and not the marriage. You can try to talk to her. If you are scared that it will ruine your friendship I guess you have to let her live and learn and make mistakes. Hope for the best but be there for her if it comes to the worst. Im sorry I dont have good advice for this one. He sounds like a real tool.
Post # 6
Politely speak your peace and then go on about your lives. Don’t tell her what she should or shouldn’t do. Just tell her what you are and are not going to do. For example: “I used to live with you guys and I know the reality of your relationship. You are my friend and I will support you with whatever decisions you make, but personally I would feel uncomfortable standing up at your wedding. I will certainly attend and if you need advice, help or friendship, you know you can count on me.” If she is mad, she’s mad. Hopefully she won’t be. But you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of your integrity.
Post # 7
I have a friend who admits her boyfriend is verbally/emotionally abusive when he drinks. She posted this on Facebook, saying she hopes she has the strength to stay broken up this time. Of course all of her friends were supportive of her and told her she deserves better, etc. Within two days, they were back together, and have just rented an apartment together.
Sometimes people have to discover things for themself. It’s harder in your situation because it sounds like you see you friend a lot more than I do mine, (if it weren’t for FB, we probably would have lost touch). Hopefully her engagement won’t be huge topic of conversation since it’s a bridal shower and the foucs is on you. I don’t have any advice for what you should say to her at the shower, but if/when she asks you to be a bridesmaid, you can politely decline. If she asks why, pehaps tell her what you told us…that you are her friend and you don’t want to hurt her, but that you think she deserves more than a cheater she is constantly fighting with.
Post # 8
What @2ndtime said was excellent!
Post # 9
If she were my friend, I’d gladly put the relationship on the line to tell her I loved her and she deserved better… that I don’t trust that this guy could ever love her more than he loves himself and with his prior “activity” you can’t even trust him to not put her in harms way physically.
Tell her that you love her very much, but don’t fell comfortable standing in the wedding when you cannot support this man being her husband.
Reaffirm and reaffirm that you love her and let her decide what she’s going to do from there.
Not liking someone’s choice of spouse is one thing when you just don’t “like” them and it’s completely another when they’re abusing the person you love.
I’ve had those friends that were willing to risk losing our relationship and others that just stood by nodding their head and smiling…. I am very thankful for those that put themselves on the line for my best benefit and the others… well we aren’t friends anymore…. and those that I didn’t accept their counsel, I went back to thankful that they were there to help open my eyes when I couldn’t see things for myself.
Make sure your heart stays in a place of loving her, and whatever she decides to do, say, or act against you.. don’t take offense and just remember that this is becuase you love her and you just keep loving her despite what she does/doesn’t do.
I would suggest getting her the book Captivating as an engagement gift (just for her) in hopes that she can learn to love herself more than she’s allowing him to treat her. This book saved my life in more ways than one and I’ve seen it do the same in many others womens lives.
Post # 10
@2ndtime: Totally hit the nail right on the head. Perfect.
Post # 11
Such a hard position because most likely, she’ll become defensive no matter how you say it. Good luck on what you chose to do. I agree with the other ladies, 2ndtime had some really good points.
Post # 12
Ok this is coming from someone who’s been on that side… You have to realize that people change men and woman and if they’ve been through heck and high water and still have the courage enough to love and want to spend the rest of their lives with each other so be it. You can’t control anyone’s life or say “”you shouldn’t marry this person” this is your friend and you love her, if you not happy because of the situation be happy because she is truly happy. I’m just saying putting it completely out there like that may cause more than just drama for you esp on your wedding shower. When she comes in just says “Hi, Congrats” and move on to YOUR bridal shower. You talk to her about her engagement there and it will turn into a big ball of DRAMA. Everyone including you and your FI have made mistakes in the past. Who knows maybe one of his mistakes led to him realizing she’s the best and he wants her forever. I’m sure it’s been a while since you’ve been “roomates” with them so who knows what currently going on in their relationship and remember what is good for the goose is not always good for the gander no ones relationship is the same.. Some relationship THRIVE off of drama others dont.. Sorry to play devil’s advocate but how would you feel if she told you that YOU were engage to the wrong person for whatever reason.
As far as being in the wedding, if you truly feel you can’t stand up there even if it’s just to support HER then tell her with your wedding and everything your trying to pay off your strapped for cash.
Post # 13
I have a really simple solution: stay out of it! It’s none of your business, really.
Post # 14
It’s not your business to tell her she shouldn’t be engaged. You are within your rights to share your concerns respectfully about not being comfortable about standing up for her and finances. After that its her life to fuck up. She is making a conscieous choice to jumping in feet first inspite of all the drama (which she feeds off as well). It takes two to be in relationship, good ones and bad.
Post # 15
I think you owe it to your friend (and your years of friendship) to have a quiet word with her about your feelings. All you have to say is “are you sure this is what you want?”
I know that when a friend of mine got married, the girl’s BM (a mutual friend) asked her “was she sure?” (the mutual friend was concerned over some control issues). My friend didn’t enjoy being asked the question but I know (from talking to her) that she appreciated the place the question was coming from.
I think it would be worse if you were to stand up for her at her wedding and not support the union. I know that it sucks to watch somebody you love dive head first into drama and potential calamity, but at the end of the day she’s an adult and sometimes people just need to make the mistake for themselves!
Good luck and I hope it all works out.
Post # 16
At least I wouldn’t. I have before, and it made things even worse. You have to be extra careful with this situation. Best of luck.