(Closed) How do you tell family members they aren’t invited? Send announcement or no?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

yeah… tricky.  whether you send an announcement before or after, people are going to wonder whats up.  your aunts will likely rsvp for +4 to include their adult children once they find out an invite has not been extended.  i think you might want to lay the ground work before you send out the invites.  tell you mom and dad to spread the word that the event will be very small and no cousins will be invited.  then id mail the announcements later.  if you send them before, they will be more of a save the date and people will be looking for their formal invite…

Post # 4
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

I wouldn’t send announcements before. Just simply don’t invite the folks you don’t want in attendance. If they show up anyway, have a security guard show them the door since it is bad manners on their part to assume they are invited. The ones you want in attendance, send them a regular invite and make sure that the mailing envelope and custom printed reply card are both very clear on who is invited. If they still don’t get the picture, that’s not your fault since you did everything you could. It’s out of your hands at that point and they have just make themselves look bad, not you.

Post # 5
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would suggest having your family spread the news by word of mouth. You can also put something on your website that indicates that the wedding is only for guests who were specifically addressed on the invitations.

 

Post # 6
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

we had a small wedding and couldn’t invite a lot of people. my mom keeps in touch with my family often, so when she talked to them about me getting married she’d always say, “it’s going to be a very small wedding, she’d tell them our reasons, and then say that not a lot of family will be able to be invited. not always a good reaction from everybody, but it’s what you get for having a small wedding.

we sent our announements out after the wedding. some of our family members even sent gifts before the wedding, knowing full well they weren’t being invited.

Post # 7
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think the best thing to do in this situation is talking to people directly. I think if you’re close with your aunts and uncles you could explain how much you would love to be able to invite everyone and how you’re sad that you won’t be able to see your cousins but that you have a very very limited guest list due to capacity.

That makes it seem less like you DON’T want to invite your cousins (even if it is true) but that you simply CAN’T.

However the only place this could get kind of sticky is if you do invite some cousins that you have contact with and not others – I think the best way to justify it would be to incorporate them somehow. For example ask Cousin Suzy to help with set up or hair or whatever (make something up if necessary) that way it makes more sense for her to be there.

Post # 8
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have the same situation. I spread the word early that I couldn’t invite everyone…My aunts & uncles are invited, but not their adult children…its going to be awkward with some, but I just can’t invite everyone. I have cousins that live across the street from me that I really don’t speak to. Sure we wave at each other from afar, ut it’s been years since we’ve had an actual conversation. I’m expecting to get some flack for it, but the ones that complain are the ones that would criticize the wedding anyway, so I’m trying to let it go…

not everyone is going to be happy with what you are going to have to do…

Post # 9
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

By announcement do you mean save the date?  In that case, only send save the dates to those invited to the wedding (if they aren’t invited they don’t need to save the date).  If by announcement you mean a newspaper announcement, yes that goes after the wedding.  If you just mean getting the word out to the family that you’re engaged and getting married I would say word of mouth is your best best.

Post # 10
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

In some areas, newspaper announcements are printed before the wedding. Some areas do it after. There is no solid rule as to how it is done. I believe the OP is talking about the old fashioned tradition where announcement cards (that looked similar to an invite actually) were mailed out on the day of the wedding to anyone who was not invited. If you ask your grandparents, they should know what these are as they are foreign to the modern generation and have nothing to with save the dates which are a brand new concept.

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