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I think your best bet is to put black tie affair on your invitations. This way, it will go out to all of the guests, and they will have seen it. You could also do Black Tie optional if you think that some of your family might go too far.
Are you expecting that everyone wear full length gowns and tuxes? Or just not jeans? Perhaps cocktail/semi formal attire?
I would just expect for people to possibly be offended with the "black tie" thing. I come from a very blue collar family and my cousin just had a wedding where "black tie" was required. Several members of my family declined as they thought they wouldn't have anything nice enough to wear.
i like the idea of cocktail / semi-formal attire its easy and everyone still looks their best and thats what i want....how would i incorporate that into an invite
Can you have family spread the word? That's what my Mom is doing! You'd be surprised how many people have no idea or just don't care that you should look nice at a wedding.
Are you doing a wedding website?
We left the information off the wedding invties, but were explicit about cocktail attire on the site.
How close are you to FMIL? Is it possible that you could arrange for her to go shopping with you and your mother for her wedding attire? If nothing else, just ask her waht she intends to wear and then go from there.
I would recommend including black tie. My guess is that most people will dress below the dress code, so you'll end up with semi-formal.
I understand your quandary. If you come from a family that routinely wears evening dress and understands the niceties of formality, then you already know how insulting, or at least noveau-riche, an invitation can seem to a guest when it presumes to tell them how to dress -- something that they had already figured out from the style of the invitation. Of course, your mother and sisters can probably spread the word to your side of the family that you "had" to do this because of the low social standards you are marrying into. But, obviously, they won't be able to explain that to your fiance's side of the family -- who are the people you should least want to offend.
You see, just because the people you have come in contact with so far dress down, doesn't mean that everyone you are inviting have that custom. My dear sister-in-law, bless her heart, doesn't even wear blue-jeans: she wears shapeless home-made trousers that she sews on the same sewing machine she bought as her pride and joy shortly after the end of World War II, and thinks a babushka makes a fine every-day hat. But my brother her ex-husband owns his own dinner jacket, tail-coat, and morning coat, all with appropriate acoutrements (except hats -- he thinks top-hats are silly) and dresses appropriately for every occasion. Frankly, I'd like to think I do to, and I do feel offended by (or contemptuous of) invitations that presume to instruct me on the matter, especially when issued by a bride forty years my junior. BUT, if a future in-law had only met my sister-in-law, they might very well be in the same position as you.
I'd recommend following proper form regardless, do your best to influence the situation by chattering happily to your future mother-in-law and other future kinswomen about the beautiful dress your mother is buying and how your brother is getting his tux cleaned and wondering whether to wear his red cumberbund or the midnight blue one and so on, and accepting the inevitable differences in standards that you cannot control as just being part of a large and multicultural society.
I'm sorry b/c I know this isn't helpful, but if I were you I wouldn't do black tie in the 1st place. You have to be respectful of FI's family, who you have admitted, don't walk around in tux's normally. And I agree wtih hotchild that if you put black tie as the dress code for a wedding and the invitees usually wear jeans to weddings, you might make a lot of people feel bad and not come as they have nothing to wear.
I personally think black tie events (not just weddings) are a little over the top nowadays. What with most companies moving to business casual and cocktail attire becoming 'formal', it's just a little crazy to have a black tie wedding unless you are in office or royalty.
The correct way to state the attire in the invitation is to have one card for the ceremony invitation and the reception card seperate. The attire is listed only on the reception card, in small letters at the lower left corner of the card.
@moderndaisy, its not that i dont want them to feel uncomfortable, just the opposite in fact, i dont want them to feel out of place since the majority of the guests will be dressed formal/cocktail attire, the wedding is in may i would be happy if the men just wore a nice shirt and dress pants and the women wore summer dresses or even dress pants would be fine... i just think having 40 people out of 150 not dresses nice and in clean clothes would look off... even at funerals they wore jeans which in my own personal opinion is kind of inappropriate... all i want is for people too look like they tried, and looked in the mirror while they "tried"
@snmcdowell, thanks for the tip! very helpful i think i will go that route and pass on the info to my mom and bms on my families side that its just precautionary for those who havent been to weddings or dont know much about them... so no one gets offended, i think it will save a lot of embarrassement for my FI side and they will blend in and feel good about it... after all no one deserves to feel out of place at a wedding
From your original post it sounded like you had decided on black tie. So if you just want people to 'dress nice' which is a perfectly acceptable request, I would write on the invitation "Semi Formal Attire" and spread the word gently through whoever in his family you are closest with. Pick his aunt or cousin or someone you've had a good conversation with in the past and tell them about your dress code quandry for the wording on the invitation. Say that you chose semi formal b/c suits and cocktail dresses are ok, but you wanted dressier than a sundress and more casual than a tux. Ask this person if you think that is OK with the rest of the family and if he/she can spread the word for you. Good luck!
I'm not sure if this will help but if you're DYI-ing your invitations, then you can print 2 sets... one for your family and one for his (which would include the "black tie/semi-formal attire" blurb
@moderndaisy< sorry about the confusion, i see how that seemed now, and thanks for your help, i just really want everyone to feel comfortable.. he does have a couple people on his side of the family that happen to be friends of my family's (i just realized on the phone with FI, just now) maybe i can spread the word that way hopefully she can get everyone talking about how people dress at my families weddings, FI also thinks putting semi-formal attire on the invites is the best idea... i guess he was just as worried
thanks again everyone how making this easier for me and so quick, i can now order my invites with ALL the info on them that needs to be on it
Do you have a decent relationship with you FMIL? You could sit down with her and explain that you want the dress code that way and ask her if she could help spread the word to your FI side of the family while your mom does it to your side(even if your mom dosen't at least make it look like they both will. Or you could ask your FI to talk to her and spread the word. This way you don't have to point the finger your just asking her to help spread the word.
Horrible person that I may be, I considered printing 2 sets of invites - one not mentioning attire (for those who dress appropriately anyway) and one set saying "formal" (which would be read as "please tuck in your shirt" for those who dress inappropriately casual at family functions).
In the end I took the high road and didn't put anything on any of the invites, but I did put a blurb on our website about using our wedding "as an excuse to look stunning! What better reason is their to dress up?"
Hopefully that was delicate enough not to offend, but still got the point across....
I have a guest (FI's Uncle/Godfather) who I'm 90% sure will show up in jeans and a flannel stained with deer blood. That's the only thing I've ever seen him in. I've instructed my photographer to not take many pictures of him.
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how do you tell people you know wouldnt normally wear nice formal clothes to a wedding that its black tie.. being european and from a family that is 90% women we always dress formal for weddings so its not my family i have to explain it to, its his.. when we first go engaged FMIL wanted us to have a cheap and fast wedding at her house like her wedding and her oldest sons wedding was... she couldnt get through her head of hers that i am portuguese and im seriously restraining myself 150 guests, she is one of those people that would rather buy a million things at the dollar store than buy 1 really nice thing worth showing off.. i love the dollar store too but this is my wedding, and im on a small budget for the number of guests (that keeps growing) i dont want her to show up in jeans which is all she wears... do i write black tie on the invites or do i gently explain it to her.. thing is if i explain it to her there is still the problem of the rest of his family... i hate to use the term white trash, expecially since im marrying into the family and my daughter is a part of his family, but they fit the stereo type... ugh what do i do, i dont want his family sticking out like a sore thumb since there will only be forty guests or so from his side