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Help! I feel so guilty. The ring my FI has gotten me is lovely, but it isn't really my style. It isn't the color of jewelry that I usually wear. It isn't even quite my size. I think he has an idea that it isn't exactly "me." We've been engaged for a little while now. In the first couple of months, I brought up the idea of making it the same color as the rest of my jewelry, but I decided that this style looks best the way it is. Then, I mentioned just wearing a band when we get married. Other than those two comments, I've kept my mouth shut about it because: I don't want to hurt his feelings, it really is lovely in its own way, we haven't had a lot of money to spend on a second ring, and I didn't really have an alternative ring in mind.
Maybe this is wrong of me, but I've been secretly checking out alternative rings online just to see if there is one I'd like better. I mean, the rest of my life is kind of a long time to spend wearing a ring that doesn't go with the rest of my jewelry or really with "me." And I've found it. I found the ring of my dreams, and it's an incredible deal. I could afford it myself-- I could get the semi-mount setting and have the stone mounted for under $1,000. I ADORE it. I LOVE IT SO MUCH! I've been secretly looking at pictures of it almost every day, and I've waited a couple weeks to make sure that I'd still feel the same way about it. And... "I do."
Here's the dilemma. Can I tell him? Can I go through with this? I feel so guilty not being contented with the ring he picked out. But on the other hand, he went to buy the ring in one trip and didn't seem to have given it a ton of thought-- he works on gut reactions a lot of the time, which as you can see is pretty much the opposite of me (we tend to balance each other out)-- so I don't know if this makes a difference, but I feel like it's not as if he deliberated about the ring and about whether it would fit my style for a long time. I really, really, really want this new ring, but can I get it?
Also, would it be a faux pas for me to buy it myself? It only seems fair for me to get this one, since he got the last one (and spent more than I'll be spending). But would that, you know, be emasculating at all? PLUS, his parents helped him pick it out and buy it. How do I make sure I don't offend them at all? How can I approach this? How can I bring it up to him? Help, bees!
a friend of mine was telling me how she recently casually mentioned to her husband how she wouldn't mind having a bigger diamond, or even maybe a halo put around her current one.
He got really really hurt and offended.
But...only you know your fiance... if you don't think he put much thought into it, then maybe he didn't and wouldn't care at all if you got something else.
I feel comfortable telling my husband ANYTHING. I'm very surprised that so many people think its terrible to be truthful on this. I wear my ring everyday and will continue to wear it for the rest of my life. If I didn't like it you better believe I would tell him. We didn't just start dating. I know how to tell him things without hurting his feelings.
I wouldn't want to wear anything that wasn't my style for the rest of my life. You have no reason to feel guilty for that. I doesn't mean you love him less or that you are a bad person. I obviously don't know your FI but my husband would never have wanted me to keep my mouth shut if I didn't love my ring. Just like I would want him to tell me if he didn't like his band, or a watch I bought him or whatever. Good luck :-)
I'm sorry you're going through this! I think you need to sit down and have a discussion with your FI. (Definitely don't just go out and get another ring.) I'm sure he'll appreciate your honesty about everything, even if he's not exactly happy about it. If he's on board with you replacing the ring I'd offer him the choice of you or him paying, or some combination. If you are sure you do not want to keep the ring he gave you then you need to be honest and talk to him about it.
He proposed with a plain solitare. I'm a glitz girl, i love the bling, and its very plain for me. I was also previously married and dawned a huge 1.5 mine cut diamond (it was my moms passed down to me) so thats what i'm used to seeing. The new .5 ct solitare is basic, simple, elegant. When I looked at other rings he got offended, so I quickly backed off. When we were looking at rings for him, I asked to see a few of the engagement rings, he got the point about how nice some of the more detailed rings looked. We agreed that down the road in 5-10 years I'll get an upgrade.
He knows I like diamonds and when we looked at diamond bands we saw how they just didnt sit right next to the shape of this solitaire setting. I'll be getting a plain, thin white gold band, its the only band that looks decent. Am I happy about it? Not really. But I love him and it doesn't really matter.
If it's REALLY important, then say something. If not.....
I think you should just keep it. It's a gift. It symbolizes his love and commitment to you. It's also most likely the biggest and most meaningful gift he has ever bought for somebody. I would not hurt his feelings. I know if I had wanted to change my ring, FI would be hurt. I know that if he wanted to exchange such a symbolic present I would be hurt. I think sometimes women forget that its a gift and that they should appreciate it no matter what it is.
I guess it depends on how important it is to you. You could bring it up to your FI and see what his reaction is.
I think it is definitely not a faux pas if you want to pay for it yourself. if you want to replace your engagement ring, it is only fair that it comes out of your pocket.
however, I have a different suggestion: perhaps you could put your money towards the wedding band of your dreams, and then tell him it does not "go" with the e-ring so you don't want to wear them together.
if you did that, would you be willing to wear the e-ring on your right hand or have it turned into a necklace? you could tell him that the center stone is the most important part worth keeping as a symbol of your love ..... or something along those lines.
that might be nicer and easier to take than telling him that you want to replace the e-ring outright.
I agree with @nickels - it is really a symbol and I'm sure that your FI put a lot of thought into it. In 5-10 years, maybe you can change some things up or upgrade. I'm sure you could put $1000 to much better use than a piece of jewelry. I would be open with your FI to let him know that you'd like to consider changing things up down the road, but I'd try to include him on the decision process as much as possible.
That said, I think I may be a bit unusual since I know virtually nothing about diamonds, ring settings, etc. The ring my FI got for our engagement is beautiful and it is very simple. I plan on wearing only the wedding band after we get married just because I do a lot of work with my hands, and the setting is constantly getting in the way. Also, I don't really like all the attention that having the engagement ring draws to me! I had no idea that it would be such a spectacle!
I brought this up to my FI, and he was hurt. When I explained why I felt teh way I did, he said fine, I will be hurt if you change it and I won' support it (so I would have had to pay for it myself). After further talk, and giving him examples of my experiences and why I was uncomfortable and why it was really important to me, he said he would still be upset, but caved and said we can change it for our one year wedding anniversary.
If you like this one so much why don't you just choose it as your wedding ring? Then you don't hurt his feelings and you get the ring you love. Just an idea. :)
I would be hurt if I was him and you said this. Engagement rings are like Christmas sweaters, you shouldn't ask for the reciept so you can return it. It should mean more to that than you. How about getting a wrap or something as your wedding band to change the way the ring looks itself.
Brace yourselves, I'm about to share my MANY thoughts on this subject...
I didn't like my ring for a long time after I got engaged, and I NEVER told FI because I knew it would crush him. In the ensuing weeks I've learned that men shopping on their own often put a lot more effort into picking out e-rings than we might sometimes think, but unfortunately it doesn't always come across because they're either clueless about jewlery, have very different tastes than their girlfriends, or both!
The ring did grow on me though, and now I'm in love with it. My first ever post on WB was about this very subject: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-i-got-over-myself-and-learned-to-love-my-ring
Granted, when it comes time to pick out wedding bands I'll probably opt for something with just a little more flair, but now I'm more than happy to wear the ring he proposed with. When I really examined my feelings about my ring I realized that how I felt about my FI and my engagement were totally seperate from my disappointment at not getting an amazing piece of jewlery. In other words, I realized I was being selfish and materialistic, and those feelings were poisoning my true feelings in what should have been one of the happiest times of my life. I can't speak for you or anyone else, but in my case the realization really helped me snap out of the ring envy phase.
If you decide not to tell him (I don't blame you, it's a touchy subject) you still have plenty of options. You can buy an enhancer as your wedding ring, or as you mentioned, you can stop wearing the e-ring altogether after you are married and replace it with something more your style. As other posters have mentioned there's always upgrading, but that usually happens after a marriage milestone (1 year, 5 years, 10 years) and not during the engagement.
If your heart is set on this new ring, have you considered buying it as a right hand ring? That way there's no baggage or pressure about it being a replacement for the ring he bought you, and you can still wear the ring you really want. As long as you don't think he would take offense to it potentially "competing" with the original ring, it's an avenue that may be worth looking into. This might work better if you wear other rings on a regular basis. It may not work out so well if you buy yourself a diamond ring out of the blue that you never would have worn if you weren't engaged.
Personally, I'm thinking about getting myself a CZ right hand ring that's more in the style of what I was expecting for engagement. I won't wear it everyday and it might look totally fake, but hopefully getting a ring in the style I always wanted will get every last trace of ring envy out of my system once and for all!
PHEW! Sorry that was a bit of a ramble, but I couldn't help myself!
honestly, you should be able to talk to your FI DH about anything. I would tell my DH if I did not like my ring but I love mine...
Let me tell you as someone who told him about the first ring.
TELL HIM!
Originally he told me how emasculated he'd be if I hated the ring. And then we got it appraised--for well under what he paid. So we returned it, and he (almost accidentally) found the ring that I ended up loving and we checked it out in the store and bought it on the spot.
I don't think he was all that thrilled at the time.
Since then, I've commented frequently how much I love my ring. He now shows off my ring to his friends-- " look what I found! "
And recently said-- "I'm so glad we found a ring that you love since you have to wear it forever and look at it."
And something else I can't remember exactly how he said it, but the gist of it was-- yay! you like it and that makes me happier than anything else.
AND THIS coming from the very guy who specifically said "I will be emasculated if you hate the ring I picked out."
Tell him. Really. Expect him to be a little... upset/weird/awkward for a few months and then very pleased with himself for the rest of his life after that.
Whew. I'm glad everyone wasn't judgmental about me not loving the current ring. When I saw how the voting was starting to go, I began to dread checking this. I'm just being honest. It would be cool if my FI had consulted my style like many of your FIs did, but now I have to figure out how to deal with it. Or how to ignore it.
@lmoss78: No, he did not put a lot of thought into it-- the ring itself, I mean. I kind of try NOT to think about how he picked out the ring. He bought a ring in one trip without asking anyone close to me what my style is, taking into account the jewelry I have, or even figuring out my freaking ring size. He didn't go to a jewelry store, but a retail store that doesn't even put stones in different settings. He didn't learn about the 4 C's-- which I don't really care about-- but it's just another example of how he DIDN'T put that much thought into it. THAT hurts MY feelings. Why didn't he do that stuff? Didn't he care enough to put more thought into it than that? :(
We talked a little bit about what kind of band he'd like, and he said NOT yellow gold. Yet what he got me IS yellow gold. Even though I never wear gold jewelry. If I were passive aggressive, I think I would demand that I pick out HIS ring and get him one he wouldn't like-- to match mine. But I'm not passive aggressive, and I could never do that. I want him to be happy.
I think the Christmas sweater example is interesting. I hate when people buy me clothes for Christmas. Usually they don't fit, and they're never my style. It's such a terrible idea. I don't feel obligated to wear them just because someone had bad taste and even worse judgment. Just like I wouldn't wear my hair in a mullet just because someone gave me a free haircut. I'm not sure how this relates to a ring, though. I guess it's just supposed to make me feel more guilty about not loving something someone picked out for me because I should just be glad they spent money on me? I guess I should feel worse about this than I already do.
There is little I can do to make this ring more "me." I could finally get it re-sized, which would make it NOT hurt when my finger swells in the heat-- a painful reminder of the lack of thought my FI put into it. Or I could embrace the 1980's vibe of the ring and start buying shirts with pouffy sleeves and those balloon pants to make my ensemble complete. I'm sorry-- wondering why my FI DIDN'T put more thought into the ring makes me sad and negative.
So men should "surprise" women with expensive rings because it's "tradition." And it's tradition because according to the research that DeBeers did, men are more likely to buy costly jewelry if their girlfriends/wives don't know how much it costs and have no say in the matter. And women are supposed to be happy with whatever their men get them because they should just be grateful, submissive angels who swallow their own opinions, feelings, and thoughts. And everyone judges your ring and your diamond, and acts like it's an expression of your style. And yet they also say that it's only an expression of your FI's love, and that you should just be grateful. Swallow your own emotions and walk on eggshells, so you don't hurt the man's feelings. Wear it for the rest of your life, or you're a bad person.
OK... thinking happy thoughts... I'll have to read your comments again when I'm feeling more positive. I'm sorry... this just bums me out.
@mblab: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Comments like these make me feel better about having my own opinion about this ring and about my love for another ring. (No, I'd definitely not just go out and buy another one-- that would be so crazy!) Thank you for being so nice about this.
Buying the ring as a right-hand ring would be a good idea if it didn't look so engagement-y... It's a really good idea, but as it is, it would probably just make my current e-ring look worse by comparison...
I would put a picture of it up, but I'm kind of paranoid that someone I know might recognize it... There's a reason I'm only sharing these feelings with you bees.
Also, THANK YOU to all of you bees who took the time to read my post and respond. Thank you for all of the encouragement and the advice. I really appreciate it!
Ugh... Now I can't sleep because I'm feeling so conflicted. On the one hand, I'm starting to feel a little resentful toward my FI for not putting more thought into this. On the other hand, I don't want him to feel bad about it. Just... ugh... :P
I do want that other ring, but I kind of always already feel guilty about spending money on myself. I don't want to be selfish. But I also don't want to be sad. There are already things I feel unhappy about in my life-- I want to get done with school and have had some obstacles, so I'm not yet. Our engagement is on the longer side because we want to be done with school first, but we don't really want to be planning a wedding WHILE trying to finish up our important school work either. We've considered just doing a small wedding or even eloping (Romantic!), but the significant people in our lives seem to have a different idea of what we should do, and I can't figure out how to please our immediate family and ourselves. And on top of the waiting and the stress of all this, I have a reunion coming up, and my relatives ask me questions about when I'll get married and when I'll get a real job in a tone that says to me: "You're not where you should be by now," or worse, what one girl actually LITERALLY SAID to me: "Are you ever really going to get married?" Excuse me? What a witch!
It's just... it would've been nice to have this one thing that makes me feel good in an un-conflicted way. It's nice to "win one" once in awhile. I mean, I guess I can wait for the wedding and then just wear a band. But with a longer engagement like ours, it's already hard to wait... And in the meantime, it's just kind of irritating to see the style of ring that I'm wearing on frumpy, older ladies from whom I would never take style advice, and to see women like me with rings more like what I want.
I'm sorry my postings have been so rambling and long. :( I'm venting.
I got super lucky, my guy shopped and shopped for the perfect ring and was so worried I wouldn't like it, but I couldn't imagine anything else. I would say that if you are not in love with the ring, you should tell him. I am sure he wants you to have anything you want and I am sure that he would be ok with you asking for something else.
If I were you, I would tell him that you are not in love with it, and maybe either pick something out together, or give him an idea of something you would love, and then let him go and pick out a new one, that way it's still his pick, but something more to your liking. Or you could always design one together.
Good luck :)
To be honest, I think you would seriously appreciate the ring a little more if he had taken the time to look around or show a little bit tha the took your style into consideration. Normally I would advise not to say anything, but you seem truly unhappy with this ring and that isn't a way to feel about an engagement! I would talk to him about it. I mean, its not like you don't appreciate the meaning of the ring, you just seem a little upset that he didn't pay closer attention. I would talk to him calmly and just tell him that you aren't completely happy. Maybe you can ask him to go with you so he feels as if he helped you pick it out or something? Good luck!
you know it depends probably on the relationship you have and how you usually are. as for me, he knows I am VERY picky abotu my things, be it a make up brush or my ring... it has to be the RIGHT one. and even I cannot say sth is right before I examine it myself. he realized that when we went to buy a shawl. there were two colors that were VERY similar. and one made me look tired the other color was enchanting. and he paints, he knows his colors and yet... this is when he decided that it is nearly impossible to make me a gift without somehow finding and opportunity to show me first.
so if it was for me, I could tell him cause he knows. you said your fi has an idea... I think you can tell him. you can use the stone he got you right? and have it mounted into the new setting?
and maybe trade in the other setting. be very sweet but tell him. it will bother you always
Well... if you're set on telling him, there really is no best way to do it. Chances are he'll be hurt and emasculated no matter how you say it, but if you think he'll get over it and you're prepared to have whatever fight may erupt from this, then that's your choice and I hope it goes as smoothly as possible.
BUT let me just say that my decision not to tell my FI about my ring dissapointment had nothing to do with being a "grateful, submissive angel" and more about picking my battles. There are some things that bother me that I just choose not to mention because I don't think it's worth the potential fight. I think it's heathy for a relationship if you fight sometimes, but there are some touchy subjects (exes are a good example) that might do more harm than good.
In my case I decided that pressing the issue about the ring was not worth it. Sure, I might get the ring I wanted, but it would've meant more time, money, and stress that would be better spent planning the wedding. I thought I might've doomed myself to a lifetime of bitterness and resentment, but eventually I warmed up to the ring and the feeling passed. I'm still wearing the ring I hated at first, and now I can't imagine wearing anything else.
Again, it's your choice to make, only you know him and can guess how he will take it. A lot of women go through this when they first get engaged and I think it helps to know that others are/were in the same boat.
@MissTillie:Choosing your battles is a very important part of a good marriage. :)
Interesting dilemma. I can see both sides.
My answer would be....if it was bearable I would keep what he got me (especially if his parents helped pick it out) because it's a symbol of his love and I know he would be proud that he picked it. However, if it was hideous and literally made me unhappy every time I looked at it, I may try to find a nice way to tell him I'd like to change it. Although I happen to know that would be a huge risk to take with MY boyfriend.
So two things:
1- You have to decide whether it is completely unbearable for YOU.
2- You have to know HIM well enough to know if he would be extremely hurt by it.
This is EXACTLY why I showed my bf the ring I wanted as soon as he mentioned wanting to marry me one day soon. Because I did not want to find myself in this predicament and I know his taste in jewelry would not match mine.
All that being said...please post a pic of the ring. This way we can see if it's as bad as you say.
I think it is an unfortunate situation to be in because for a few reasons:
If the woman doesn't like the ring, she is usually portrayed as materialistic and ungrateful. This really is terrible when the fiance doesn't put much thought or effort into the choice that is supposed to reflect the seriousness and sentiment of the occasion and doesn't take into consideration what their SO's style and preference is on something that she will wear the rest of her life.
I think it is best to just leave it as is though for a few years and then suggest resetting the diamond, or just changing the ring when you hit a bit anniversary! That is what we agreed upon because I want to keep this ring as is to pass on to our child!
Sorry about the whole thing :(
I would definetely speak up right away if you dont like the ring, if youve had it a few months it's probably hard to exchange it.
Why dont you buy your dream ring and use it as your "wedding" ring. You dont have to wear it together with the engagement ring. I havent picked a wedding band yet, but might not pick something that goes with my engagement ring (even though I am happy with mine) because I probably would not wear them together anyway.
Bees, I'm sorry if I've been negative about this. I'm really, really sensitive about this right now, and any judgment just seems super harsh to me at this moment. Sorry...
@Reign14: I can see both sides too! :( I'm PM'ing you the links to the rings, but I'm really reticent to post it because: 1) I'm kind of paranoid that someone I know will see it and recognize it (which I know is a long shot, but still...), and 2) I'm afraid that a bee might have a similar ring and take offense. It isn't that the ring is hideous in itself... I think... it just isn't "me."
@fvsoccer: I know-- it's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place!
@misssweet: That was my plan, but now I'm getting antsy because our engagement is sort of long because we want to finish our current degrees first... :S
I voted for don't say anything. I was in a similar situation - I thought the ring my FI picked out on his own was lovely, but just not "me." I found a way to alter it to make it look a little more like my style, and when I showed him the other option, he was really hurt, because he had thought he really nailed it when he picked out that ring. I also had waited awhile after receiving the ring to say anything, because I wanted to see if I would just come to love the ring and not really want any other, so he was confused why I hadn't said something right away. If you want to read about my experience, it's in this thread.
Now, I don't know how far off from your style the ring really is, but if I had a chance to do it over again, I would not have said anything about it to my fiance, and just enjoyed the ring he gave me and appreciated how hard he tried to pick out the perfect ring for me. (Also, over time, I really have come to love my ring...I bet you will, too.)
@Bubu82: I just read your original post at that link. The ring you chose actually looks pretty similar to the ring he came up with! It's beautiful. Sadly, my ring and my taste are like night and day... How long would you recommend I wait to see if it grows on me? It has been over a year, and I've been wearing it every day. We have kind of a long engagement because we're waiting to be finished with our degrees before we get married. He wanted the proposal to be a complete surprise (Why do guys think this is such a good idea?), and I wasn't expecting it until we were closer to finishing up school, so I had no input at all on the ring beforehand.
Also, it seems like FIs are sad because they feel bad that they didn't get us what we want-- it doesn't seem like they're unhappy because they think we're ungrateful. Wouldn't FIs be happier if they could know that we actually were happier with the ring itself?
@janie-janie: I have been thinking about what I would do with the current e-ring if I get the one I really love. I think I would make it into a necklace or something. I'm not a fan of the style, but I don't think I could part with it unless we REALLY needed the money.
i am a little late into the conversation BUT....
I got my ring from Fi and HATED IT... The only reason i could get myself to stand the ring is that it was unique and i never way one like it.
After 3 of my friends got engaged and ended up with the exact same ring... (seriously how does that even happen?) I finally told Fi that i didnt like it and showed him what i did like.
And want to know what Fi liked the new rings i picked up better too! we were so broke when we got engaged that he couldnt afford to get me the ring he wanted.
Now i have a ring i love and we are going to take the diamonds from the other ring and (maybe the metal) and get it made into my wedding band. I will still have the ring but i also have my dream ring!
I know it must be really hard on you to not love the ring that your SO chose for you but i personally would not say anything. I got to pick out my E-ring but had budget constraints so could only get half carat solitaire. If i'm honest i would have liked something bigger.
to make up for it i have chosen a really sparkly and expensive wedding ring! i know it appears to be the fashion now to wear both e-ring and wedding ring but i'll just be wearing my wedding ring. I think e-ring will become a right hand ring.
If i were you i'd put the $1000 towards a great wedding ring and spare his feelings.
only you know how he would react to you wanting a new ring though.
i vote for ***dah duh dah dahhh*****
tell him!
i have been so paranoid with this situation as well... i literally have done all the work for the e-ring process and i'm still afraid he's going to pick out something i won't like. when we go to jewelry stores, i play the game... if you were going to get me an e-ring, what would you get. and he would pick out the ugliest ones LOL. i would tell him *(*&^ NO!.
You will feel better getting this off your chest and maybe it will even make your relationship stronger by facing such a tough dilemma. It may be hard at first, but at least you will be happy and I'm sure that's all he wants in the end! Just be sweet and calm when you tell him. And i wouldn't bring up the part that he was thoughtless when he got it... even if he was... GOOD LUCK
@MsPanda: That's awesome!
So... I still haven't told him. Now I'm back to wondering if there's something I can do to change the current ring, and I'm feeling guilty for wanting to spend that money on a new ring for me instead of something practical. I always feel guilty about having money spent on me, though.
Sigh... I'll update you if anything changes.
I haven't been on here in MONTHS...but when I first got engaged I felt the same way you did. I love my original engagement ring and the sentiment behind it, but it just wasn't what I wanted. Well, fast forward 2 years and a wedding and now I'm pregnant. I can no longer fit into my original ring, so I got a new one in the style that I want! I'm happy, he's happy and it all worked out. So, one option is to wait until you get preggo and get a new ring :)
After my SO and I had been going out for 2 years I started to email him photos of ring styles I liked. (**HINT**)I also told my girlfriends to offer to go ring shopping with him. HA! (We'd agreed when we met that an engagement would be after 2 years or we go separate ways)
I was ecstatic when he got me (on his OWN) a ring I'd been eyeing in one of the stores. I probably tried it on 5 times...The saleswoman pretended not to recognise me...LOL.
*Anywho*.... You need to TELL HIM. Nobody wants a ring stuck in the 80's...or to wear yellow gold when they only wear white gold. It will bother you every day. I'd buy the new ring yourself...If there are stones to salvage on the old one you could suggest turning them into custom bands for both of you!
This is the man you are marrying. You should be able to tell him anything. Just be tactful.
I want to see a photo of the ring! Did you post one somewhere?
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