Post # 1
I recently reconnected with an ex where we had a bad falling out about 5-6 years ago. We did not talk AT ALL during that period. We reconnected recently and both are no longer bitter or upset and are becoming friends again. We’ve been talking every day since we reconnected (last week), mostly by text (just a few here and there) as well as a few phone conversations, and he asked to meet up sometime in the near future. Ex is 100% aware I’m engaged, happy with FI, getting married soon, and we talk about my FI (all good things).
I’ve talked to FI about this and he is super supportive, non-controlling, and not at all jealous. He trusts me 100%. He gives me his “blessing” for the lack of a better word to be friendly with this ex.
However, I worry and feel guilty even though I have NO desire to get back together with this ex. I guess I feel it’s “wrong” because I’m in a relationship and getting married (and it seems like married people aren’t friends with their exes! lol). Ex says he likes to talk because he feels I know (or knew anyway) him best. I have few close friends who aren’t super busy with their lives and am bored while FI is busy with work and school so it’s nice to have someone to talk to. Ex and I were together so long (about 7 years) that we developed shared interests that we’ve been talking about. He’s also very social and friendly so we could talk about nothing for long periods of time.
This is uncharted territory for me. The other exes I do still talk to, I’m friendly with but do not talk to very much besides keeping up on Facebook, saying hi here and there (if we, ahem, maybe work together or something :P), etc. But this more frequent communication is different for me.
So, bees who have exes for friends, especially friends you talk to or see regularly, how does it work out for you? How often do you talk or see each other? Is this ‘normal’ or do I have something to be guilty about? I certainly don’t want to take advantage of FI’s good nature. Do you have any advice?
Post # 2
- Wedding: October 2014 - Cape May
I can’t speak for everyone, but I do have an ex I’m friends with. We would text or call every few weeks and sometimes more often. And we would meet for coffee just to catch up. We dated about 12 yrs ago and stayed friends after with shared interests and friends. FI has always known about my ex and will ask after him, supports the friendships etc. it’s really harmless and it’s more like a family friend at this point. As of recently we have fallen out of touch and it’s been a while since we spoke. I never felt guilty and just look at my ex as another friend and I am lucky that FI trusts me and has never had any issue with this friendship.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I’m good friends with an ex – we work together so it had to remain civil (not a terrible breakup anyway) and we’ve maintained a friendship. FI and I are going to his wedding on Saturday and he will be at ours; he and FI get along well and there’s no weirdness. It is a bit of an unusual situation but it’s worked out well for us all. My view is that so long as it’s in the open, it can be fine.
Post # 4
They don’t. I am not friends with ANY of my exes.
Post # 5
Skittles131: If your FI doesn’t care and you have no interest in reconnecting romantically with your ex, there is nothing to feel guilty about just because it doesn’t always work for other people.
Post # 6
Skittles131: my only really serious relationship prior to DH ended badly to put it nicely lol so no I would never maintain a friendship with him. I don’t see a problem with it as long as both of you respect each others boundaries. for example: I would probably never complain about my DH to the ex or talk poorly about my relationship. Yada yada along those lines.
Post # 7
Skittles131: I don’t have any advice, but something caught my attention and made me curious… So, I hope you don’t mind my asking…
If you have gone on in your life for over five years without this person in it, why resume the relationship now?
I could totally get it if this was an ongoing friendship that you’ve had even well before and during your current relationship. That doesn’t sound to be the case, though. So, I have to admit that your SO must be very understanding. To go from not communicating at all to chatting on a (nearly) daily basis, I’d personally be a little hesitant. I just wouldn’t understand why it would be necessary for my SO to rekindle this relationship (to any degree) that dissolved long before I came into the picture.
Post # 8
Soon2bmarried123: you took the words out of my mouth.
OP, your relationship is your business, so I’m not going to profess to know what’s best for it. I’ll just say that if I were in your FI’s shoes, this would be way out of bounds. Honestly, it sounds like you’re lonely (bored while your husband works, not many friends around), so maybe you’re just a little bit desperate for friendship/company. And that’s okay. But I feel like there are more appropriate choices for a new friend than an ex if you’re currently in a committed relationship.
Again, your relationship is between you and your FI, so if he’s okay with it, then it’s not my place to judge.
Post # 9
Skittles131: If you feel guilty, there is a reason. listen to your intuition. it may be OK now but down the line it might not be. I would just not be friends with him. The fact you see him as a replacement connection when your FI is busy is kind of a red flag. Talk to a girlfriend or your mom instead. I am in the camp of not being friends with your exes though. However the fact that you feel guilty for no reason is more telling than anything else. I would just limit or eliminate communication. Its already causing internal problems for you and you havent even been friends with him really!
Post # 10
I’ve been friends with a few exes over the years and I’m currently friends with one of my exes. My husband is about the least jealous person on the planet, so that definietly helps. I, personally try not to have too much one-on-one time with an ex and not drink too much so that I always have my wits about me. I would also be cautious of getting too emoionlly involved. Which is hard to measure. I wouldn’t want to be relying on an ex on an eotional level more than my husband. Which is also hard to tell.
Basically, I think it’s fine to be friends with an ex. Just don’t let it get too close. Which only you can judge. Daily contact seems a bit much for me, but I don’t even talk to my best friend every day!
Post # 11
Skittles131: I have one ex that I am still good friends with. He is 100% aware of my SO and SO is aware of our friendship.
Ex and I also went through sort of a nasty break up, and at the time, mutual friends forced us to speak again… interestingly enough, the mutual friends are for the most part, not in either of our lives anymore, but we remained very good friends.
If there is no funny business going on, there is no reason for you to feel wrong or gulity. Yes you have a history, but that’s what can actually make you better friends. He has an understanding of you that most people don’t have and never will.
Post # 12
Strawberryshmoo: KiwiDerbyBride: thanks for sharing your situations with exes. That is helpful!
Spade504: Yes I am very careful to not say anything bad about FI!
Soon2bmarried123: Good points and questions. It was his birthday and I spontaneously messaged him happy birthday over Facebook and that got the conversation rolling. I also think since we started talking 5 days ago, we are probably talking more now than we will because we are catching up.
JenGirl: Good suggestions! I’m already thinking along those lines like only spending time together in public places (if we do that), no or little drinking, and no complaining about FI. Thanks!
Thanks everyone for your input! To be clear, this is not any guilt about any feelings towards ex — those certainly are not there. It’s just something totally new for me and something I’m not used to and I want to be sure I’m not doing anything to hurt FI even if he’s on board.
Post # 13
MangoSong: Thanks! Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Your statement of better understanding of each other is exactly how I feel! But I don’t think that people understand that…but maybe I just shouldn’t care that they don’t get it so long as FI, ex, and I are cool with it.
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Your ex may be a nice guy or he may just be feeling out why you messaged him out of the blue if you’re so happy with your FI. I have 3 official exes (men I dated for at least a year) and I don’t speak to any of them today. After I divorced #3, I got back in contact with #1. We met up once for drinks, made up over the bad breakup we had, and then said goodbye. We haven’t talked since then. But, I was never friends with any of them first before dating.
I understand wanting to keep an old friend but if the only friendship you had was dating then I recommend treading lightly and making sure your FI is truly okay with it. If your FI is at all uncomfortable then you need to weigh re-establishing a relationship with your ex and safeguarding your relationship with your future husband.
Post # 15
Skittles131, I wouldn’t be surprised if your ex pulls a move on you… Even though you’ve made your happy current relationship very clear.