How does your perfectionism impact your relationship?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I had that problem for the longest time and I still do but it’s not as prominent.  I blame it on my anxiety. I’ve taken a couple stress management classes and have talked to my FI about my issues.  My classes helped a lot and so has my FI- he is very understanding and tries not to get upset when I push him to do things “perfectly” or my way.  He has helped me by reminding me that it’s not the end of the world when things don’t get done my way. He calms me down when I have panic attacks as well- one of the reasons why I love him so much. Also as our communication improved, things got easier. Maybe take some stress management classes,  they might help. Good luck

Post # 5
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Skittles131:  I can’t say I’m a perfectionist, but I have a type A planner personality. I need to be in control of all planning, and I get horrible anxious when not on time. I have generalized anxiety disorder, so that is where a lot of this comes from.

I actually let go of planning while planning the wedding. Weird, weird, WEIRD time to let go of being a type-A planner, but I just quit caring so much and let it go. And everything turned out fine. DH also surprised me with a weekend getaway, something he ahd planned for 6 months by himself–without me. I had no involvement in planner. Knowing the kind of person I am, he washed all the clothes, so I wouldn’t have an excuse to stay home. Same with cleaning the house. The weekend turned out spectacular. I am glad that I am able to relax and not worry so much about planning and getting all wrapped up in how everything has to be.

Time is still an issue, but I am working on it. I do NOT endorse just showing up late. I am saying to stop and smell the roses. Even when I am not late for work, and I have 10 minutes to spare, I am always rushing my dog. I think about the million things to get done and I get impatient and rush him when all he wants to do is play with his tire out in the snow. He is so innocent, and I need to be more like him. Just stop to enjoy my surroundings and take it all in before it is too late.

For the most part I have my anxiety under control, but when I start feeling it flare up, I just remember my breathing. I also think DH is my rock. If it wasn’t for him being calm, cool, and collected and talking me through the good side of things I would probably fail. He keeps me in check and helps me, so I try to remember that.

Post # 6
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Skittles131:  I am actually married to a perfectionist, and for a while, it was terribly difficult for us both to be married…Mr. 99 was a confirmed bachelor of 13 years when we met, he liked things his way, and had life all mapped out….then he met me…I do not plan, I am not a perfectionist and I certainly have no expectations for anything…but if I get a cookie or ice cream at the end of anything, that’s a solid victory.

We got married, and then the funniest thing happened, everything went wrong…he got injured, and started what would end up being a five year journey to recovery and his crazy fly-by-the-seat of her pants wife…had to man up and handle everything else….he struggled with it, felt that he had failed me, his family, and as a man….he also questioned literally everything I was doing, criticized the way I cleaned, folded laundry…hell we had a blow out over how I brushed the god damned dog….

I took his criticism very personally, and since we’d been married MONTHS, I questioned the union’s ability to last, I was also very guarded and mistrustful with him, a girl can only hear so many “suggestions” before she just wishes her husband was a mute.  I harbored a boat load of resentment and our relationship took on a very punitive and combative energy.

He hated himself, and what he’d “done” to me…kept trying to apply the old rules and ideals to a life that couldn’t even get in the ballpark and made himself miserable.  Certain that sooner or later i would have had a belly full of his bullshit, and toss him out of his ass, he walled himself off, indulged his perfectionism and made our lives a collective and living hell.

It was all coming rapidly to a head during the holidays, and I had a feeling we were reaching critical mass…and that one way or another…this part would be over…and apparently, so did Mr. 99….he called me one morning while I was driving to work, and said, “We’re losing each other, and I don’t want that.”  I certainly didn’t either, and we booked counseling right away, after about three months, we both learned to redefine certain things that the other did and said, he learned that he is wonderful the way he is and that perfect is over-rated and most importantly, no matter how nasty, crazy, off the wall he gets, I’m not going anywhere….so I actually am PERFECT…for him at least.

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