Post # 1
This might be a situation particular to me, but I bet there are a few others who can relate on one side or the other.
I work WAY longer hours than Fiance. I generally leave the house an hour before he does and get home 4-5 hours later. It’s because his job is 5 minutes from home, and I work in the city, so my commute is long and my hours are longer than his. It’s no one’s fault, and because of our schedules, we usually only have one day a week off together and just a few hours at night. It’s tough and we miss each other.
The thing is, he gets home from work and has hours to play video games, go to band practice, go to the bar with friends, cook, clean, and just decompress – he’s out every day with people or just alone. My life is more like “Go to work, Go home to Fiance, Wash, Rinse, Repeat”. Anytime I’m not at work I’m with him. And he is just the sweetest and misses me and wants to spend all of our precious free time together.
But I have to be honest, as much as I love being around him, it’s exhausting. I’m an independant girl and I feel like I have no outlet other than him. If we get into a fight during the day, he can talk about it to other people and cool down. I stew about it at work and on the train and come home to him which doesn’t always make things better. And I resent him a little bit for getting to run around and have fun and have that “down time” to shake off the day before he has to deal with me. I know that’s not rational, and I do my best not to take it out on him, but I figure it’s better to acknowledge it and try to deal with it than to pretend it doesn’t exist.
I’m not looking for answers – there really aren’t any. I can’t leave my job and I don’t want to. But I do get a little miffed when, on a night like tonight, I get invited to grab a beer with a friend downtown before heading home and Fiance gives me that sad voiced “OK” and I feel guilty for not wanting to go right home. Last week I went to a party without him and had so much fun – not having to worry if he was tired and wanted to leave and just chilling with my friends. I don’t want this to drive us apart and I don’t feel like it has at all (except during my special lady time when I become a raging maniac for 3 days). Does it seem normal to want to be apart from him – like cell-phone-off apart for a couple of hours every week? What do you think?
Post # 3
Sounds like you definitely know what you need.
I think that when you have a conversation about it, focus on your feelings and needs, but stay away from talking about the guilt trips he is giving you. He maybe didn’t know your needs and wouldn’t guilt trip you about that if he knew better.
Post # 4
I definitely need some alone time every once in a while. I’m a teacher so I get home by 3pm every day. I love that time before Fiance gets home to just relax and do my own thing. THere was a point in time when he was switching jobs and was home for a bit and, as bad as this sounds, I was happy when he went back to work. Sometimes you just need you time. Maybe he doesn’t get it since his alone time is while you’re at work. You could sit down and talk about it with him, maybe?
Post # 5
I think that it is normal – I mean, if I didn’t have my girlfriends I think I would be lonely in that way. Don’t get me wrong, I’m with him all of the time and I am so happy and glad for that but both of us like to just go and hang out with our friends every once in awhile. He needs his guy time, I need my girl time 🙂
Post # 6
Oh, this is totally healthy! It’s natural to need some time alone to decompress or hang out with your girl friends. It sucks that he is giving you a hard time about it. It sounds like he just gets a little lonely since he has so much free time! It’s not going to ruin your relationship or anything, just sit down and help him understand how burnt out you are getting and ask him to be supportive when you need a happy hour with friends.
Post # 7
i think it’s totally normal!! i don’t see my friends often, because i’m so tired after work and i do want to go home to see my Fiance and dogs, but at least once a week i try to grab a cup of coffee or dinner with a friend… i also teach sunday school and try to have a lunch date with a friend or two every sunday.
even though it’s only a couple of hours a week; it makes the WORLD of a difference and keeps our relationship balanced!… Fiance tries to hang out with his best at least a couple times a month where all they do is veg out and play video games… he also goes out for a beer with coworkers every few weeks.
Post # 8
I think some down time is healthy. I have the same issue with my Fiance – our work/school schedules are so off from each other that he’s pretty much the only preson I see all week. He works most weekends and I value the alone time as much as I value the together time.
Post # 9
We have almost all the same friends. I have a few friends who are really just mine, but almost everyone he hangs out with are my bests from college, so when we go out 99% of the time it’s together. We’ve talked about it before – he’s aware of the situation and I don’t think he’s trying to give me guilt on purpose. I think he’s just genuinely a little upset because he misses me. I appreciate that and it makes me feel worse for the fact that I REALLY don’t want to go right home.
Post # 10
I don’t think it’s weird. I lived apart from Darling Husband for years and I don’t like the idea of “running home to my husband” because, frankly, I have other things I wnat to do! My life doesn’t revolve around him =-].
I still go out with my girlfirends, etc. I have classes–shoot, I was gone from 7am yesterday until 9pm last night. What’d I do? Had a snack, said hello, showered, went to bed.
I am in a better mood if my life isn’t work, husband, repeat. I go to the gym 4-5 days a week. Yes, I get up at 7am to LEAVE on a Saturday morning. I am in a mentally better place when I get my “me time” in and things “i” want to do. And in turn, that makes me a better, more pleasant wife to him.
My husband doesn’t work and is home All. The. Time. He doesn’t have anything to destress from! And when I’m crabby from a long day, he goes plays videogames downstairs and leaves me alone. The last thing I want is him to be all needy. I need to destress, BY MYSELF. Nobody else can do that for me. It’s just how I operate which i’m sure seems strange to some (I know peopel who pretty much are attached to their SOs and wouldn’t DREAM of doing anything without them, like grocery shop or work out or anything) but I just get annoyed if someone is on my hip all the time. Even if it’s my husband.
SO, in short, I think it’s normal. And healthy. And will help you not be annoyed with your husband. As far as the sad voice/puppy syndrom, he’ll get over it. He’ll find things to do. And once he realizes you’re just happier in general getting your you-time, he’ll encourage it.
Post # 11
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting “Me” time. Its healthy. You can’t be dependent on your Fiance for everything (not that you are, I’m just saying that’s good that you’re not). I was in a similar situation not long ago. We were both working crazy hours, we barely spent time together and on our down time, we both felt guilty if we did something with friends. Once we talked about it, we realized we both felt the same way and it worked itself out. I’d just bring it up to your Fiance. He may not have any idea how you feel. When he does, I’m sure he won’t make you feel guilty.
Post # 12
Both FH and I each need our alone time. He teaches an evening class every Tuesday, and honestly, it’s great to have 3 or so hours to myself each Tuesday when I get home from work. I don’t do anything in that time that I couldn’t do if FH was home, but it’s nice to have the place to myself.
Sometimes if I just need a bit of alone time, but we’re both home, I will just take a shower or bath. I’ll take one a bit longer than my usual shower, and just decompress a bit. Use my “fancy” lotions and soaps and things, and relax some.
Post # 13
We’re still trying to figure out how much me time we need. It’s hard because we both work long days and commute together, which saves time but gives us no time to decompress from work. ALso we are in a COndo so I can’t just send hime downstairs or out to the garage or something.
Post # 14
I think it’s totally normal to want alone time! Some people are more dependent than others and want to spend every waking hour together, but I think most people aren’t like that!
My husband and I get our alone time in different ways. He’ll be playing video games while I’ll being watching TV – so we won’t be hanging out, which can be relaxing. I also make it a point to hang out with my best friend once a week. Sometimes just us two girls hang out, and sometimes our husbands (well, her soon-to-be husband and my husband) hang out with us. But I think I’d go crazy just hanging out with my husband all the time (and I LOVE him). Even on our honeymoon, I went a little crazy being around him 24/7!
Just let him know that you love him and you love spending time with him, but you need some time to yourself or to hang out with your girlfriends. If he spends some of his time hanging out with his friends, he should understand your desire to have that.
Also, if he works a lot less than you and has more free time than you do, you should ask him to help out more around the house (if he doesn’t do this already). That might at least make it seem more fair if he’s doing house chores instead of just chillin’ while you’re at work!
Post # 15
I think alone time is very important. I don’t have that problem this semester, but last semester I did. I had long days at school and my bf had an easier schedule and would come home and play video games and then when I got home, we would spend time together until we went to bed. I love spending tme with him, but I love my alone time too. I finally asked him to give me a couple hours every once and a while, so he wouldn’t come in the bedroom and I could just play around on the internet or watch a movie or read by myself. At first he was mad and didn’t understand why I didn’t want to hang out, but then he got used to it. Since moving in together, the one thing that I really miss is the alone time. It’s completely normal to feel that way, I think.
Post # 16
@Adira, he usually helps around the house – he makes really impressive dinners 3-4 nights a week and does most of the cleaning, although he’s been a little lax this past week or 2. You can’t see it, but I’m wagging my finger. haha
I’m the finance minister, and he is in charge of the household. It works.