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I think you should ask her. I don't know if there's a reason you're not close or if you just haven't "clicked" but inviting her might help connect you two. My FSIL asked my sisters and I when she and my brother got engaged and we were so excited - yes, for our brother getting married, but also to be part of the big day with our future sister in law. Who knows, maybe wedding planning will bring you closer.
I think there's nice symbolism too - if I can get kinda deep - if your brother stands on his side and his sister stands on yours. Like the joining of the families is for real.
My FSIL is not in our wedding party (and I was not in hers for her 2nd weding), but my brothers wife is. She and I are jsut NOT close enough to have her stand for me or for my FI. He was fine with it. My brother and his wife are both in teh BP though, but she and I are very very close. There is no obligation at all.
Well, actually, I am not crazy about her. (I guess the truth had to come out.) When I said she's my polar opposite, it means she does pretty much everything that I disagree with, and it's just difficult to even be near her. She's also an attention seeker and talked down to me a few times about fashion and what I should wear and should not wear with an attitude. *rollseyes* I never even asked for her opinion and I didn't even know where that came from. But, yeah... we are civil to each other on the surface but I worry if I get any closer, we'd have serious conflict.
I was asked by my FI to include her. As a gesture of goodwill I complied. My first choice? No. But I'm keeping the peace.
Oooh, that puts things in a different perspective.
In that case, I might not ask her and include her in a different way. I was assuming it was just matter of not knowing each other well or something. You definitely don't need that kind of drama!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Do what makes you happy! It sounds to me like having her in your bridal party will only add stress to you, and it also sounds like you really would rather involve your brother and have him stand up with you - I think that's a great idea. I absolutely love the idea of having men in the bridal party (and actually seriously considered asking one of my best friends to be in my bridal party, and probably would have if we were having a larger party).
If I were in your position, I would encourage my fiance to have his sister on his side, if it's something that means alot to him, but if he doesn't care either way you shouldn't feel obligated to include her on your side.
Personally, I don't think it's imperative that all siblings be involved in the wedding. My husband didn't ask my brother to be a groomsman and no one in my family was offended by this. I don't think that you should HAVE to have someone as a BM if you really don't want to...
However, in your case, it sounds like having your FSIL in the wedding is very important to your FMIL. My guess is that she wouldn't keep bringing it up to you if she didn't care about it. It doesn't sound like it's a priority for your fiance, so then you're in kind of a difficult situation.
In your particular situation, if you want to have your brother stand up on your side, then maybe you should go ahead and ask your FSIL to stand up on your fiance's side? It would be kind of a nice symbolic gesture and then she's not technically a BM. FWIW, if she really does expect/want to be a BM, offering her some sort of smaller wedding task probably won't make up for the fact that she's not a BM. If she's someone who likes drama, that might create more of a problem than excluding her completely.
I think it is disrespectful of your future inlaws to tell you who should be in your wedding party. If they are paying for it, then let them pick the chair covers or centerpieces or something, but the people who stand up there with you should be the people you lean on in everyday life. The people who support you and love you and all that mushy stuff, it is not a parade of people they deem to be worthy.
One of my close friends was outright obligated by her future inlaws and husband to have his sister as a bridesmaid even though my friend and the sister hated eachother. It was the most forced, tacky display of 'familial' affection I've ever seen, it was like family politics. My friend was very unhappy at having to spend so much time with this woman she couldn't stand.
Sorry to rant, but I think a lot of people forget what this wedding thing is really about: the bride and the groom announcing and celebrating their commitment to eachother. Maybe I am too modern, or just completely wrong but this is how I view a marriage and thus the wedding. You celebrate it however YOU please!
My FSIL and I aren't very close but we get along. I thought it was important to at least ask her...turned out she accepted and this experience has brought us closer.
In my opinion, you should ask and leave it up to her to decide if she wants to be in your wedding or not. She will become family afterall, and you don't want her to go around later telling everyone that you didn't even ask.
I don't think you should ask her. I'm not asking my FSIL. She is the complete opposite of me and we don't even get along. She hasn't said five words to me..and doesn't care about anything but "her." She barelys talk to my fiance unless it is for something, like help with her computer or her son. She isn't even happy about our wedding because my fiance is the youngest and she has a son and is with a man that wouldn't ask her if he life depending on it (but she put herself in that situation so don't feel bad for her...) She thinks we're still kids (though she lives with her parents and we actually have our lives in order)
My FMIL is pushing it only because she believes she will "change" once gets asked. She is very it's all about me, and for my wedding: I'm not sharing the spotlight for once in my life. If I ask her, than I would have to ask my FBIL's gf too because FSIL would demand it so she would have someone to "talk" too. So I'm not. I won't. I don't care who says what or who gets mad. I'm done with the situation.
There isn't any etiquette in wedding saying it's a must. If you want, give her some reading or something to do for the heck of it so she would feel involved. But, do not let yourself get pushed into something just because of your FMIL. You will just be unhappy about the decision..things always have a way of backfiring after a "nice gesture."
I say no. If your brother was standing on his side, I'd say "eeeeh, yeeeesss I think" BUT since your FI doesn't care to hve her in the wedding at all, just have your brother on your side (way sweet by the way) and if HE wants to include her, he can. I think it will reflect poorly on your FI--his mom will get mad he didn't ask his sister to stand with him since it's obvious you are forgoing trraditional gender roles. No biggee.
It would be easier if my FI cared that she be in the wedding party. He isn't particularly close to her, and when he told me he doesn't care if she's in the wedding party or not, that's when I was struck with the feeling, "if he doesn't care, why should I?" But... I still care about what my future family would think. FI already has a short list of who he wants to be in on his side, and neither my bro and his sis is on it - he wants his buddies, but would be willing to take in my bro if *I* decide (meaning "WANT to") to take his sister.
Balilu's comment was one that concerns me a lot - I don't want people or FMIL/FSIL to say that I never even asked FSIL to be a BM, but at the same time, I also feel like it'd be less stressful for me without her in the party, and it is supposed to be MY wedding day.
It's interesting to see everyone's views. Please keep them coming! :)
HaHa, yeah, ejs4y8, I did think that it would make my FI look bad if I were to have my bro on my side and he not having his sister on his. lol
I always believe that the bride should have who she WANTS to have up there with her on her day! And that when people ask others to be in the wedding party out of obligation that is when you get drama!
I am sure she will understand! Choose who you want to choose!
missabee- what I did was, I asked her and told her (as I did to all my BM's) that I didn't expect her to do anything...just show up with her dress on and that's it! Every now and then she'll email me with ideas/suggestions, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with everything...like you said, it's my wedding - not hers. I just think it was important for me to at least ask...asking doesn't hurt, especially if you clear up what your expectations are ahead of time. who knows...she may even say "no, thanks!"...
I have 2 FSIL's but I only asked the one closer to my age to be in the bridal party. Her older sister gets very stressed and will have a new baby at the time of the wedding, so I had a reason for not asking her. That said, I am not really close to the FSIL I asked to be in my party, either. As close as we are in age, that's about the only thing we have in common. But I wanted to make sure I included the family in some way.
@missabee--I think it would! He would totally feel the pressure, not you. Hey, family is family and if your siblings are standing on their respective sides...I think it definitely takes the focus off you not asking her, lol.
Honestly, if he doesn't care to put her on his side (and they are blood relatives!) i don't see how, in any sense of the word, his family is allowed to get pissy at you for it. Realistically they'll see it and go "oh, she chose her brother...why didn't he choose her sister?"
My Sil stood on her brother's side--she had a black dress to match the tuxes and a champagne sash to match the girls.
There, see how nice they all look, blended together???
0487.jpg (57.6 KB, 36 downloads) 2 years old
I see there are some compelling arguments, here! I see both sides of reasoning, that's why I have been wavering. I have leaning toward my bro on my side because he has been sooo special in my life. He has helped me out so much and been there for me all my life and I think he's the greatest brother in the world, and I love him dearly. I'd rather honor him and make him my Man of Honor than just having him as one of the groomsmen on FI's side..... Hmm... It does sound like I am making up my mind, now, doesn't it? Should I please my FMIL over how I feel toward my brother? It almost seem clear now, except now my FI might look bad, but I suppose then it's up to him to decide what to do with his side. 
@ ejs4y8 - Thanks for sharing the picture! I'll have to share that with my mom. When I told my mom that I was thinking of asking my bro as my Man of Honor, she was skeptical as how that would look and how people would perceive. My wedding party will not be as big, though, but I think it'll be ok.
oh...I thought you were thinking of asking your FSIL to be a bridesmaid..not a maid of honor. Now I'm all confused =(
You can have your brother as your maid/man of honor and your FSIL as a bridesmaid
Oh, so sorry! Didn't mean to confuse anyone. I neglected to add that I already have a maid of honor. She is my college friend and best friend. What I was thinking was having her as maid of honor, my bro as man of honor, and a bridesmaid (i haven't asked the girl, yet, but she was my co-worker now good friend). I don't want to to have my FSIL on my side if my bro is already on my side.. FI should take her (but he doesn't want to.)! I think it's ok to have a Man of Honor AND a Maid of Honor, right?
FI will have his Bestman and 2 groomsen.
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I think, in the ideal world, I would ask my FSIL to be my bridesmaid. I do believe in the union of families because of the wedding and I'd want to consider her as my own sister. I want everyone to be happy as one big family.
That said, originally, I considered asking my FH's sister to be my BM, but the thing is, she and I are not close at all. She and I are the polar opposites of each other, and I have nothing in common with her to even really strike up a conversation. I want to include her purely as a good gesture to FI's family, which I think is important as they will be part of my family after the wedding. Also, because I am really close to my brother, I thought that FH and I would swap our siblings and have my bro stand on his side, and his sister on my side. But the more I thought about it, the more I prefer my brother to be on my side. It makes more sense to me. Sure, my FH likes my bro a lot, but I think it'd be more meaningful if my bro is standing closer to me up at the altar. But if my bro is on my side, the FSIL should be on my FH's side, but FH doesn't care either way to have her in the wedding party at all. That leaves the option to not including my FSIL in the wedding party at all, which is what I am leaning toward right now.
I feel bad and guilty, though. My FMIL asked me twice now about what I am going to do about the BM situation. Everytime she brings it up, I wonder if she was seeing if I were going to include the FSIL. I would ask FSIL to be my BM if it means a lot to FMIL/FSIL, but I don't know how to find out if they are or not. If they don't care about it, I'd actually happier that way. I don't want to disappoint/offend them, but I think it'd be a little weird because we are not that close.
I guess I'd LOVE to have a FSIL in my wedding party, but I guess because I don't particularly adore my FSIL, I am torn. I hope I don't sound to mean about it. I am wondering what you guys think about this? Should I just not include her like I am planning right now (I'll probably assign her some lesser role so she's not completely excluded.), or should I reconsider and ask her to be my BM?
How important is is this gesture? Will it be appreciated? Am I overthinking this?