(Closed) How important is the manner in which you are married?

posted 5 years ago in Elopement
Post # 3
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Being married isn’t about the pomp and circumstance surrounding a wedding.  It’s about choosing to spend the rest of your life with the person you love.  For some, the wedding frou-frou is important to them and that’s fine — but for others, it isn’t necessary to have an elaborate affair.  What matters is to commit yourself to your SO and that you share that special moment together.

FI and I are eloping although I did spend two days planning a hometown wedding with my mom.  By the end of day two though, in the middle of a draft guest list, I became overwhelmed, broke down, and cried.  I only lasted 48 HOURS I decided to do things our way and I feel SO much better about it! 

If the stress of a wedding isn’t something that you or your FI want, then there is nothing in the rule book that says you have to have it.  Talk it over and if you want to elope, then do it.  And if you want to have a small get together with your closest family and friends, then that’s fine too.  It’s your day so do it your way!  (aww that rhymed!)

 

 

Post # 4
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I don’t think the manner in which you get married matters at all!  To me a marriage is about a relationship not a wedding.  A ceremony, for me, was not even really necessary and I didn’t like all the pressure I felt.  I felt like I was doing something private in front of other people.  That is how I am though- I am someone who likes to have something “in the bag” before celebrating it, if that makes sense, so we would rather have a big party to celebrate 5 or 10 years of marriage… but that is just us!

Post # 6
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I guess my two cents is to try to plan a wedding with the level of “frou-frou” that is meaningful to youand FI, no more, no less (as long as you can afford it!). For me and DH, that meant a full church wedding/dinner and dancing reception with 115 guests, because for us, it mattered (and I have a really big extended family that I’m very close to). Does that mean we were frivolous to spend all that money on one day? No- we don’t regret it at all, it was exactly the way we wanted to start our married life, and the tradition of the mass plus the support of family and friends being present was invaluable to us. Do we think someone who eloped/ went to the courthouse had less of a wedding? Heck no! We spend a lot of time and money on our celebration, and if that means nothing to you, there is absolutely no reason to do it. You’re just as married at the end as we are. So yeah, do what makes you happy.

Post # 7
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@codysgirl16:  FI was like this too; he said he was fine with whatever I wanted to do, but he’s very shy and I knew he would be uncomfortable in front of a huge crowd.  Honestly I would be too and even if we only invited our closest family and friends, our guest list was creeping up to 75 and not only was it not what we wanted, but we don’t really have the money to cover everything without asking for help. 

So, with our parents on board, we are doing a combo elopement/honeymoon in May.  There’s still a little bit of stress invovled with planning something that’s 12 hours away, but I have pretty much everything booked and so far, so good!  I just don’t think that you should stress about planning a wedding because you forget to enjoy the process of marriage.  If you want witnesses, maybe you could invite those closest to you and get married by a JOP.  It’s definitely not frou-frou but you can write your own vows and still share your union, stress-free, with the ones more important to you.  Take a breather and it’ll come to you 🙂

Post # 8
Member
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

DH and I talked about eloping but we decided to have a simple, inexpensive wedding instead. We saw our wedding as not just a day for the two of us but also as an opportunity for our families to meet each other and to celebrate with us.

I’ll be honest though, once I started planning the wedding, elopement started to seem like a better option lol. I’m really glad we did things the way we did though. If you decide to have a wedding ceremony, I think the secret is to keep it simple so that you’re not stressing yourself out. I’m not saying you have to do it the way we did, but our whole wedding cost about $5,000 and that’s with 130 guests. Our goal wasn’t to impress people, we just wanted them to have a good time and we’ve received a lot of positive feedback since our big day. I even had guests tell us it was the best wedding they’ve been to! =)

Post # 9
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

For me, it’s very important. Our wedding is more than about getting married – it is a celebration of a new chapter in our lives and we are going to celebrate our way! Most of the previous decade sucked for both of us. I lost my daughter and only child and then a relationship of 8+ years ended horribly. My FH kicked a nasty drug habit (clean for over 8 years now!) and went through 2 nasty divorces. Both of us did not expect to find love again so yeah, we are celebrating like the phoenix – rising from the ashes. Some people have suggested since this is not the first marriage for either of us and because we are an older couple, that it would be more “appropriate” to have a courthouse wedding. Screw that. FH and I are both survivors and we will proudly proclaim this new chapter in our lives with a wedding that is uniquely “us”!

Post # 10
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would consider nothing short of a church ceremony, with a party afterwards.

i waited 54 years tondo this, and it had to be a celebation with friends and family, especially my   

81 year old dad and older aunts and uncles

Post # 11
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I don’t think the way you get married guarantee’s anything.  HUGE weddings, just you two eloping … both are great.  Maybe do a combination?  you two eloping and a party back home to celebrate with your family and friends?  You just have to think a bit about what kind of a couple you two are.

Post # 14
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I love the handfasting idea soooooo sweet and that sounds like you as a couple.  It doesn’t sound like 50 is too bad to get dinner at a restaurant … or some place small to find to get married at .. then you get your …. DRESS!!!!! and you have relaxed time.   maybe talk some more ?

Post # 16
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well I think we can all try to remove the correlation between big fancy weddings and failed marriages, because statistically I don’t think there is much correlation.  I went to the courthouse and then back to work for my first wedding and that didn’t work out (thankfully).

 

The first time I got married was so blah and uneventful.  We did nothing special and in fact went back to work.  I wore some ugly brown skirt that didn’t fit right.  I tried to put on a party months later, but we were really poor.  It just came and went and my ex wasn’t into celebrating either.  Sad!

 

This time around, it just had to be special!  So we took an 11 day vacation to Canada and got married on the vacation.  It was a wedding – white dress, suit, bouquet, 2 witnesses, professional photos, 3 course wedding dinner with champagne, wedding cake – but only 4 of us to dinner.  I really wanted to get married in a spectacular outdoor setting.  It was our first wish – even over making accessible to family (which family didn’t mind not having to travel anyway, so win-win!).

So yes, we’re all married in the end regardless of the pomp or not.  But I do encourage you to do something that is special for your wedding whatever route it is.  So yes, there is some importance in what you make of the day and how you do it.  So I just have two data points (the wedding 11 years ago, and the wedding 4 months ago) I really, really love how we did the wedding 4 months ago – the road trip, hiking every day, so stress free, visiting the mountains, getting to wear a gown for the first time.  It was just so “US.”  Make it something you two agree upon and want. You get one day for this, so think what do you want it to be and want to reflect on in 50 years?

If just getting the paperwork done and going on with your life (like going to the DMV or something) is what you both WANT, then do that.  I do vote for a little more specialness like a nice meal at the end at least!

I think we generally tend to do the opposite of what we did the first time.  I had a very very plain elopement (and went to work), for the second time I thought I SHOULD have a wedding, so I did plan it all out but that was cancelled.  I think I’m just an eloping kind of person (well having my family also which are all pro elopement helps).

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