HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU DO IT?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

Talk to him. Seriously that is a reason to jump ship. Honestly, we split the chores. I may do one or two more but he works just as hard. Example: He cleans bathrooms (not always), takes out trash, shovels, and washes dishes. I clean, cook, help him out (although he does a nice job), and feed/cook for/walk the pups. We do not have a schedule and do not swap chores except to just be like hey let me get that for you – sort of way.

Post # 4
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

No idea how you can change a man’s (or anyone’s!) ingrained behaviour.

 

I DO know that it’s best to find out about a person’s housekeeping habits (if that’s a deal-breaker for you) BEFORE setting up house with them (I’m not for cohabiting either, but this applies to marriage as well), and preferably BEFORE getting engaged to them.

 

Post # 6
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

We talk about it and split chores – he vacuums, I clean the bathroom, for example. You should have a talk with him about your expectations. You two can meet in the middle, he’s not automatically “wrong” because he’s messier. 

Post # 7
Member
1822 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

Having a couple extra small trash cans next to where he throws stuff could help. Leaving soda cans IN the couch is totally unacceptable to me.

Post # 8
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

@Akbridezilla – I am sorry, my FI does a good job listening and so I am not dealing with this issue in the same way. The one thing I did notice though is that I have to repeat myself or do things more visually with him and also that for a long time when I told him to help me with something, he didn’t realize I meant “now” – until I lit the paper towel in the kitchen on fire after I had asked him to help me with somethihng repeatedly and he was planning on waiting until halftime. That stuff though was just us learning to communicate and understand what the other meant. Maybe tell him you want to talk to him about this stuff tomorrow and get together what you want to say and make him sit on the fact you two are having a chat for a solid day so he can process. If he still acts like a baby then tell him how you are feeling about him not being a partner in this.

Post # 9
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

@Akbridezilla:  Ah, not as “ingrained” as I had assmed. Maybe he was restraining himself because he know your Mom was watching. Maybe he comes from a background where the woman of the house is responsible for keeping things neat and tidy.

 

You guys have to talk.

Post # 10
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

@Akbridezilla:  Ah, not as “ingrained” as I had assmed. Maybe he was restraining himself because he know your Mom was watching. Maybe he comes from a background where the woman of the house is responsible for keeping things neat and tidy.

 

You guys have to talk.

Post # 11
Member
4920 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

You can’t make him change.  All you can do is talk with him & let him know how his behavior is making you feel.  Hopefully, that will be enough motivation for him to change his behavior before he drives you away.

Post # 12
Member
2042 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Akbridezilla:  Tell his butt if he doesnt start pulling his weight around here, HE gets to pay for a maid! 🙂

Post # 13
Member
5518 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2012

Yes tell him he needs to start helping out.  Assign him tasks.  My DH only has 2 official chores, but will do others if I ask him

Post # 14
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I suggested this in another thread- where you write down allllllll the chores, then initial your name next to the chore after you’ve done it.  Then there are no arguments about who did what or who is pulling their weight, it’s clearly marked on paper.  He can clearly see you are doing all the laundry and all the dishes and the vacuuming.    

And this is a little passive aggressive, but I suggest you dial down your own cleaning.  It’s partly so you feel less resentful, but partly to show him just how disgusting the house gets if you don’t throw your trash out. 

Post # 15
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

@Akbridezilla: Be honest, tell him just what you told us. “FI, you know I love you very much, but the way you aren’t listening to me or helping out with chores makes me feel like you don’t see this relationship as equal, since I am always cleaning, and feel like I’m not being heard. I need you to start helping with chores and clean up after yourself because this is a deal breaker for me, so either put the PS3 down and clean up or you’ll have much more time to play because you’ll be single.”

My SO is in no way perfect but if I clean the house (which I enjoy doing really) he at least keeps it clean and picks up after himself. It’s also his job to do lawn work, garbage, pet pickup etc. so it’s equal and I’m not doing all the work all the time, and that’s how it should be.

Good luck, I hate a messy place it drives me nuts and that would be a reason for me to walk.

Post # 16
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Gah, that would drive me bonkers.  My husband and I have chores we both do regularly, such as I usually get the dishes, he’ll do laundry, etc.  But the other will pick up the slack sometimes…  It’s no set schedule of who does what, we both pull our weight.

I’d definitely talk to him about how much this is frustrating you, especially since you said he was a neat freak before.

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