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My mom and I are pretty close (both emotionally and geographically) and she's been a huge help. It's also quite helpful that my older sister is married--they both broke a lot of eggs making that omelette, and I think my mom is much wiser now than she was the first time she was planning her daughter's wedding...
Likewise, when my FBIL got married, his now-wife didn't really include my FMIL. One of the first things she said after my fiance and I got engaged was "Oh yay! I was so far away from where all the plans took place last time. I'm so excited to be a part of it all this time!" So, being a sensible girl, I took my cues. I called her before I bought my dress (and was very clear: I have a wedding dress I would like to buy, but I would like you to tell me how beautiful it is before I buy it). My fiance and I decided it was important to keep all of our parents involved i the caterer tasting, and we've sent them menus to look over.
In the end, I get final say, my mom gets a solid vote, and FMIL gets a courtesy vote. And I think it's been really helpful. I've also gotten some good advice from both my sister and FSIL on how to deal with the mothers. (Like how I booked the rehearsal dinner venue this week with a modicum of input, but shit has to get done, so I'll do it.)
For me, keeping them involved is not only good for harmony, but it makes me feel nice. I know they were both unhappy the first time around. I'm hoping that this at least sets a tone for them to both relax and feel loved on our wedding day.
Good luck navigating, and sorry this got so long!
My mom forgets sometimes that she's had her (two) wedding(s) so she tries to take over and make it what she thinks it should be, fortunately my stepdad is there to rein her in and remind her its not her wedding. She despises shopping but I'm going to ask her to come dress shopping - she has the option of saying no but at least I've invited her. We're taking ALL the parents to see the venue the day we sign the contract but really, the decision has been made. I did send them the website and info when I was sure it was where we were going to have it though.
The day after we got engaged his mom gave me a speech about how much she hated her other son's wedding and how the bride and her family completely took it over and that she thinks FI and I should just elope because weddings aren't worth the trouble. I was completely stunned b/c what do you stay to that? I told her eloping absolutely was not an option because it is important to me to involve my parents and grandparents and they'd be devasted if they weren't a part of this event. She's repeated her sentiments a couple times since and I've come THISCLOSE to losing it with her. And yet? She has a guest list that exceeds not only mine, my FI's annnnnd that of my parents. Madness!
Neither moms are involved in the least. I normally would prefer this, but at least a show of excitement would be nice.
My mom is super involved, and I appreciate the help. I value her input and could not have made it this far with so few breakdowns without her help. I've tried to include my FMIL, but she hasn't been that involved. I didn't think it was a big deal, but apparently she's feeling left out. I guess I'm going to have to start finding ways to make her feel included, though I'm running short on items I feel comfortable asking her to handle. Our tastes/ideas are not exactly the same, so this could be interesting!
My FMIL is not involved, really, except for planning a shower and some other little things. My mother always lets me bounce ideas off her and she helped make dresses and flowers for the wedding! She lives about 5 hours away, though, so she does all she can while she is here! She doesn't understand weddings nowadays, though. She asked WHY we were having a rehearsal dinner, why we have to do this or that, etc. So I get sort of frustrated trying to explain to her that I dont' want a hoosier wedding =P But honestly, I like things MY way so it's easier if I just get to do what I want and then have it all presented to everyone the day of the wedding.
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My mom isn't too involved, largely because she's 5000 miles away, but also because she's not really into weddings. She's thrilled for me, and she hired me a wedding planner to help me with everything so that my mom and I can just do the fun stuff together and not end up getting stressed at each other. It's worked great for me so far. And my FMIL is staying out of it, which is equally fantastic. It helps that my Wedding Planner is amaaaaaazing and I love her to bits and can't imagine a better person helping me plan the big day!
They both offer, but neither is really involved, likely because neither is local. I run stuff by my mom and I try to talk with FMIL or get FI to talk with her about how formal she expects things to be with us. I don't think I'd really be comfortable accepting help from her.
This isn't what you asked, but my DAD is super involved, which is sometimes frustrating and sometimes really great :)
FMIL isn't involved. My mom is a little involved. I tell her what I'm going to do and she says, "Uh-huh." As far as actually helping, not so much. She's going with me to my first dress fitting on Friday, which I think she'll enjoy, but I don't trust her eye or opinion nearly as much as I do my maid of honor's, so it may be tough for me!
Thanks for the feedback ladies. It's nice to see that there's quite a range of family involvement. It's made me realize that there is no "standard" for how involved my mom or FMIL should be. This is something completely individualized to each couple.
Since my parents are paying for a large chunk of the wedding, my mom definitely has a say. Unfortunately, oftentimes it feels like she has the final say and I get a courtesy vote. If my FI and I could afford to throw or own wedding in exchange for making the decisions ourselves, we would in a heartbeat.
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WOW! This is a great post! My mom is involved in the respect that I ask her for her opinion and advice, but she has not booked or really "planned" anything. I have a friend who is getting married soon and her mom is doing EVERYTHING! It seems that any ideas that my friend has are shot down by her mom and it is kind of sad. Her parents are paying for most of the wedding, but she and her FI are contributing some money. My parents are contributing very little to the wedding, but even if they were paying for the whole thing, I don't think my mom would be planning everything. Sometimes I wish she was more involved, but when I see how my friends' mom is, I am grateful that I don't have to deal with that!
My mom is paying for the entire wedding, and she's been so gracious about it it's insane. To be honest, I feel like I have to pry for her vote more often than not, which I'm more than happy to do because of her great taste and eye for design! And when we have different ideas (which has happened rarely since we're not very far into the planning process), before I even suggest a compromise she'll come out with "It's *your* wedding! Go for that!"
I'm also blessed with a great mother in law who isn't terribly interested in how the wedding goes. She's not much of a designer at heart, but she'll give me her opinion when I ask for it. The venue we're having the ceremony and reception at has a vendor day I've invited both moms along to, as well as my FI and one of my MOH. We're all so laid back I doubt there will be any issues at all! Plus my MOH (a photographer) and mom have a fabulous eye, so I'm really going to be depending on them for opinions.
I forgot the part about the FMIL. She is very helpful and kind. She has some opinions, but mostly just goes along with whatever I want. The wedding is at her house, so I think it has all been really easy considering that fact. She also drew a beautiful tree for out invitations and made us a map to include as well.
I involve my mom in the things she wants to be involved in, like dress shopping. Other than that, I know it would just overwhelm her. My FMIL lives 2 states away, so she's only really involved in the sense that she reads email updates I send her. She doesn't seem to mind. So far, I think everyone's satisfied with the situation. It just has to be whatever you and your mom/FMIL are happy with.
Both my mother and my FMIL are equally involved. They give me their opinions but accept that I have final say on everything. The only part where my FMIL may have more of a vote than me is on Florals since they are paying for the florist but we haven't had to deal with that yet.
It helps that my FMIL is local. And she loves to plan weddings. And she just hosted my FSIL's wedding 2 years ago. Also, I did not grow up in this area and my fiance' and his family have lived here for over 30 years so they have some really valuable input for me.
How I tried to judge how interested she would be is that I took the first step in inviting her. I'm still not incredibly comfortable with calling either of my future in-laws so we email each other a lot. Or I have fiance' call them. We invited them to go with us to our first venue search and the enthusiastic "We'd love too!" and the handmade wedding planning book she gave me was a big sign.
I invite my FMIL to everything. She's even gone dress shopping with me when my mother couldn't make it (my mom lives 3 hours away). Sometimes it is uncomfortable because I am still shy around her (it takes me awhile!) but I figure it's good for our relationship since we'll be together for the rest of our lives. 
I do always phrase my invites with "I know you're busy so I understand if you don't make it but I would love if you could come with me to... "so if she really doesn't want to come she has an out!
My mom isn't all that involved and that is fine with me because she has been super scatterbrained for about a year now with my grandmother declining into Ahlzimers and she has taken on so many things. She's in real estate and that is a non-stop job and to make any money these days she also is a substitute teacher and just because she might get busy with tons of clients and showings doesn't always mean a pay check so she juggles a lot. In fact my co-workers saw my dress before my mom did. She's planning my shower because I chose not to have a bridal party but I've taken over most duties of the shower because as mentioned she can barely keep her day to day schedule straight. I probably could involve my FMIL more as she is partially retired. She's nice and we get along but we don't have a really close relationship, I don't think she knows how to be around females all that much because she raised 4 boys, and girlfriends have never stuck around. Plus for most of the DIY stuff I'm taking care of is graphic design related. My FI and I chose to pay for the wedding ourselves so, for the most part, family opinions have been at bay-which is good. We have made all the decisions, purchases, etc..ourselves.
I run different ideas by my mom and FMIL, but we've done all the planning ourselves, really. That might be because we're having a pretty casual wedding so I don't even HAVE that many things that I need help with.
They were both excited about dresses and had some opinions on that. I wanted to just get a plain ivory halter top bridesmaid dress, but my mom really wanted to see me in something more "wedding-ish." I caved on that aspect because she was just SO EXCITED to see me in the dress we picked that I went with it. I do like the dress and feel beautiful in it, so I don't regret going with her choice. The dress seemed much more important to her than it did to me :)
Otherwise.. not very much involvement or over-bearing opinions, which I really appreciate.
My mom isn't too involved. I tell her things - but she doesn't offer much of an opinion. She will be going with me to my dress fitting, and I have asked her to go to other things - but it's me pushing her. Don't take any offense to it - I don't know how your relationship is with your mom - but either way, everyone is different.
As for my FMIL - she definitely has an opinion, but also doesn't say too much. We've brought her to a caterer tasting, dress shopping, and more, and will continue to do so. I let her know everything that is going on as well, and when I need help with invites and favors - I'll ask her.
Good luck!
My mom is slightly interested, mainly in diy projects and fmil has never put much effort in our relationship at all, not at all due to her not liking me though its just who she is, sad for me though.
xoxo
Many moms are more involved than that, but some (like mine) have jobs that are on and off so they have time to plan, and nag, and worry etc. ;-) I love my mom, and she's been a great help, but sometimes I wish she would back off a bit. Every family and every planning instance is different, you jsut haev to feel your way through it and try to see to it that everyone feels involved enough. My mom was THRILLED when my now SIL asked her to come to a dress fitting. She loved that she was being included. My FMIL, when I asked her if she wanted to come to a fitting replied "nah. I'll just wait to see it with everyone else." Make involvement offers from time to time. It can be a great bonding time for you and the moms, or it can be a kind gesture.
My stepmom was really involved, though I'd say we less collaborated and more divided up tasks, which is probably weird, but it worked for us. In a way, it was nice because she took care of all the things that weren't as important to me. So, for example, flowers were one of the things that didn't matter much to me, but I do have a few flowers I like. I emailed her some pictures and she did all the legwork of meeting with the florist, striking the deals, etc. and we ended up with beautiful flowers (that were also relatively cheap!). For the things that were important to all of us (ie-venue, menu, etc.) we just went together and made the decisions together. For the most part, it was a pretty harmonious way to plan a wedding (though there were a couple of things that she wanted to splurge on that I would not have paid for (ie-limos) - but it was my parents' money, so if they wanted it and they were paying for it, there wasn't much I could do to argue).
My mother was not involved. at all. She's just not a wedding kind of person. In fact, my dad and mom eloped, and my dad told me that he tried to dress nice for their wedding day but my mom insisted on wearing jeans, so my dad had to change clothes. My dad was actually the one more involved in my wedding planning. The hubby's mom wasn't much help either. :oP
This is an interesting thread. This issue has bothered me a little.... I am suprised that my mom hasn't shown much interest. She only lives an hour away and isn't tied down with a job. I am afraid to bring up my feelings because my fear is that she will try to overcompensate and run the show. Sigh.
Other than dress shopping my mom was not involved at all. I think that partly had to do with the fact that we live in NYC, she lives in Minnesota and the wedding was in California. If we lived closer I imagine she may have done site visits or something, but I'm pretty independent and generally just make decision on my own. If you would like your mom to be more involved you should ask, but I wouldn't take it as an insult or a show of nonsupport. She also might be worried about being too overbearing so she could be playing it safe.
Pinot Noir, what you said struck a chord with me. I am also very independent, and used to doing things on my own. I'm not one to ask for help, opinions et. I have a vision of what I want, and I'm just going with it! I'm rapidly learning that there are so many things that we're "supposed" to do like have mom, FMIL involved etc. We need to do what feels right for us and our families!
I have pretty much done all of the planning to date. Mom is just my sounding board. Same for the FI's mom. They both said it is our wedding and will let us make our own decisions so long as the cost is not outrageous. I am extremely thankful for that, too.
My mom and I talk about the wedding a lot, but the only decisions she has made are on really tiny details that I was going to nix all together (e.g. favors, cake serving utensils, champagne flutes, etc...). My FMIL hasn't done any planning, but we try to keep her in the loop by letting her know what our decisions on big ticket items are. I prefer it this way. 
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My FI and I have done most of the leg work. I've asked my mom to help with some of the smaller tasks that a) I'm confident she'll do and excellent job with, or b) if it isn't done exactly the way I envisioned, I won't be upset. It's the control freak in me! We have done some DIY projects together. I know that she's been pretty busy watching my niece (4) and nephew (1) three times a week, so I try not to ask too much.
I have tried to include my FMIL in planning, but it's been difficult. My FI and I picked our reception location, and when we took my FMIL and FFIL to see it, she kept nit-picking everything about the location. She didn't like the part of town it was in, it was too hot, there was too much of an echo, and the list continues. While in the planning process, she doesn't seem interested, but then as soon as we make a choice, she has a ton of opinions that she can't seem to keep to herself. It makes everything very frustrating and causes a lot of tension between my FI and me.
My mother isn't even coming to my wedding. But not because she wasn't invited or we don't get along... she didn't attend the engagement party or shower, didn't acknowledge our STD, and didn't even send her regrets (although the RSVP card was stamped & self-addressed).
In my opinion, it's in large part because she relies heavily on the opinion of her boyfriend. (Daddy passed away almost 12 years ago). I hate that my own mother won't be there on our wedding day, but I won't let it get to me either.
My FI and I are doing most of the leg work. Both of our parents live more than 5 hours away so it really is all on us. My mom has been great to bounce ideas off of or give me suggestions, but the vast majoirty of the work is on us, especially with any of the vendors. My mom is planning on coming to help right before the wedding, but that is about all she can do being so far away.
On the FMIL, I am having trouble incorporating her in too. I want to but at this stange it is hard to have her do much from so far away. Also, she is not that crafty.
I would just do what you need to do to get things planned, but realize that they are there to help you. Delegating is always good!
My mom is really involved, which is great - my bridesmaids aren't really helping out at all and my FI isn't very much help either. My future mother-in-law isn't doing anything, except complaining about the guest list. *sigh*
Who is paying for the wedding? To me that makes a big difference.
I personally did not care as long as my children lived happy productive lives.
It was nice to be asked just out of politeness though as we paid for quite a big amount of one of our son's marriage so she could have her big hotel on the beach scene which meant we could not invite out entire family if we did not pay for it. We were only given 1/3 the invitation of the bride's family. Go figure.
It seems like today so much has gotten away from the importance of why you even have the wedding ceremony to Let Me See How I Can Outdo someone else's wedding. Personally I do not see whay asking for opinions of such a traumatic deal. The parents will be there as long as the marriage is in place and longer of there are children invloved....so why not ask. Nothing says you have to go by what they say. just tell them you are getting input from a lot of people.
If the parents are paying for it it would only seem sensible they had SOME say so in how much of their retirement is spent. I,E. paying $200 for the location rental versus $5, 000 just because it makes you seem more important.
If the couple is paying for it themselves the couple should have the final say but it might be polite to ask for the parents opinions JUST for the sake of respect. Nothing says you have to observe their opinions but I do believe parents should ALWAYS respect the bride AND grooms wishes when feasible. It is after all THEIR wedding.
I have been to many weddings that were what the bride's parents wanted and NOT what the bride and groom wanted at all. To me that showed a lack of respect for the couple. Kind of like parents making their kids pay sports just because THEY think the child should like it.
Now, on the other hand if the future inlaws are not approving of the marriage or snooty or just not caring about your wants and needs...,maybe it is better just to ask them something simple like.....Which exit door would you like to sit closest to? :)
Ugh, I've barely started wedding planning and my FMIL and I have already had some miscommunications about how involved she will be in the wedding planning!
My FI and I went for the FIRST TIME to look at venues this past weekend with my parents (who are paying for half the wedding). FI asked me to make up a schedule of our weekend plans to send to his Mom to see if she could join us at any point (she lives 3.5 hours away).
The schedule was pretty packed and FI knew I wasn't keen on her coming though I didn't say anything outright. She's an incredibly caring and nice person, but she tends to state her opinion as fact and I knew both my parents and I might have trouble voicing our opinions on the venues with her there, plus she's not "financially invovled" in the wedding.
Well the weekend went great and I think we found TWO places we're interested in! FI called his Mom both during the weekend and the day we got back home to keep her informed. She proceeded to tell him that she felt I was purposedly excluding her from the wedding planning and was very upset about being left out!!! Apparently some of the women she works with were very involved in their son's weddings.
That's all fine and good, and I definately planned to involve her directly in some things, like the rehearsal dinner and more aesthitic choices, but we've only done ONE thing so far in the wedding planning. We've barely started!!!
So to try and smooth things over I uploaded all my pictures of the venues onto Picasa and sent her an email asking for her opinion. Hope it helps though I can only imagine what the future holds for how involved I think my FMIL should be versus her opinion. Yikes!
My mom isn't involved. I asked for her input on dress photos and for relatives' addresses, but that was about it. My parents can't contribute financially, so I think my mom feels bad giving opinions.
FMIL, on the other hand, was so cute when she called us last night and said, "I got all the wine for the wedding". We hadn't even discussed wine, and it was only recently that we figured out that we might want to get some, so it was great that she just did it for us! (and honestly she probably got nicer wine than we would have!) She's also throwing a shower (which is really mostly for her friends and we're just the excuse to get together-- but her friends are a blast!) His family has been a great resource on contracts and negotiations as well.
Have I mentioned that I won the in-law lottery? Because I did!
My mom and I have always been really close, but she isn't a fan of the guy I'm marrying, BUT is trying to be supportive. It seems like everytime we talk about wedding stuff she tells me it's not too late to back out, but sometimes she seems totally excited so I don't know what to think. I have been doing a lot of things by myself, like booking ceremony and reception venues, but she has gone with me to try on wedding dresses. We'll see how she does as this progresses.
Neither of our moms are pariticularly involved, and I feel like of lucky since they are both generously contributing to the wedding but are allowing me to run wild with my creativity (within financial reason of course ;)). They are both, however, planning events that are related to the wedding -- FMIL is planning the bridal shower with the help of my MOH and BMs + the RD, my mom is planning our 2nd more traditional Chinese reception dinner. I'm trying to help them both in whatever way I can since they're both busy people and I appreciate that they even care to do anything at all =P! I do run a lot more things by my FMIL since the bulk of her and my FFIL's money will be going towards our lunch reception, where most of their friends will be invited, and where a lot of my work and planning will pay off. My mom doesn't really have much of an interest in the American details, more just opinions on how things should be overall. But like I said, they're mainly hands off and have kept their requests to an astonishing minimum.
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Hi hive,
So a conversation at work today has left me pondering about family involvement in my wedding planning. Thus far, my FI and I have done all of the planning on our own. We've booked our ceremony and reception sites, our JP, caterer, and DJ. I'm planning on dress shopping this summer (bring on the tan), and my mom will be joining me for that. The ladies at work were describing how involved their mothers and FMILs were during the planning process. I'm super close with my mom, but she has a LOT going on and has not been a part of planning.
How involved are your mothers in the wedding planning? Also, what are you doing to incorporate your FMIL into planning?