Post # 1
So a conversation at work today has left me pondering about family involvement in my wedding planning. Thus far, my FI and I have done all of the planning on our own. We’ve booked our ceremony and reception sites, our JP, caterer, and DJ. I’m planning on dress shopping this summer (bring on the tan), and my mom will be joining me for that. The ladies at work were describing how involved their mothers and FMILs were during the planning process. I’m super close with my mom, but she has a LOT going on and has not been a part of planning.
How involved are your mothers in the wedding planning? Also, what are you doing to incorporate your FMIL into planning?
Post # 3
My mom and I are pretty close (both emotionally and geographically) and she’s been a huge help. It’s also quite helpful that my older sister is married–they both broke a lot of eggs making that omelette, and I think my mom is much wiser now than she was the first time she was planning her daughter’s wedding…
Likewise, when my FBIL got married, his now-wife didn’t really include my FMIL. One of the first things she said after my fiance and I got engaged was "Oh yay! I was so far away from where all the plans took place last time. I’m so excited to be a part of it all this time!" So, being a sensible girl, I took my cues. I called her before I bought my dress (and was very clear: I have a wedding dress I would like to buy, but I would like you to tell me how beautiful it is before I buy it). My fiance and I decided it was important to keep all of our parents involved i the caterer tasting, and we’ve sent them menus to look over.
In the end, I get final say, my mom gets a solid vote, and FMIL gets a courtesy vote. And I think it’s been really helpful. I’ve also gotten some good advice from both my sister and FSIL on how to deal with the mothers. (Like how I booked the rehearsal dinner venue this week with a modicum of input, but shit has to get done, so I’ll do it.)
For me, keeping them involved is not only good for harmony, but it makes me feel nice. I know they were both unhappy the first time around. I’m hoping that this at least sets a tone for them to both relax and feel loved on our wedding day.
Good luck navigating, and sorry this got so long!
Post # 4
My mom forgets sometimes that she’s had her (two) wedding(s) so she tries to take over and make it what she thinks it should be, fortunately my stepdad is there to rein her in and remind her its not her wedding. She despises shopping but I’m going to ask her to come dress shopping – she has the option of saying no but at least I’ve invited her. We’re taking ALL the parents to see the venue the day we sign the contract but really, the decision has been made. I did send them the website and info when I was sure it was where we were going to have it though.
The day after we got engaged his mom gave me a speech about how much she hated her other son’s wedding and how the bride and her family completely took it over and that she thinks FI and I should just elope because weddings aren’t worth the trouble. I was completely stunned b/c what do you stay to that? I told her eloping absolutely was not an option because it is important to me to involve my parents and grandparents and they’d be devasted if they weren’t a part of this event. She’s repeated her sentiments a couple times since and I’ve come THISCLOSE to losing it with her. And yet? She has a guest list that exceeds not only mine, my FI’s annnnnd that of my parents. Madness!
Post # 5
Neither one are interested. And that is okay by me for now.
Post # 6
Neither moms are involved in the least. I normally would prefer this, but at least a show of excitement would be nice.
Post # 7
My mom is super involved, and I appreciate the help. I value her input and could not have made it this far with so few breakdowns without her help. I’ve tried to include my FMIL, but she hasn’t been that involved. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but apparently she’s feeling left out. I guess I’m going to have to start finding ways to make her feel included, though I’m running short on items I feel comfortable asking her to handle. Our tastes/ideas are not exactly the same, so this could be interesting!
Post # 8
My FMIL is not involved, really, except for planning a shower and some other little things. My mother always lets me bounce ideas off her and she helped make dresses and flowers for the wedding! She lives about 5 hours away, though, so she does all she can while she is here! She doesn’t understand weddings nowadays, though. She asked WHY we were having a rehearsal dinner, why we have to do this or that, etc. So I get sort of frustrated trying to explain to her that I dont’ want a hoosier wedding =P But honestly, I like things MY way so it’s easier if I just get to do what I want and then have it all presented to everyone the day of the wedding.
Post # 9
My mom isn’t too involved, largely because she’s 5000 miles away, but also because she’s not really into weddings. She’s thrilled for me, and she hired me a wedding planner to help me with everything so that my mom and I can just do the fun stuff together and not end up getting stressed at each other. It’s worked great for me so far. And my FMIL is staying out of it, which is equally fantastic. It helps that my Wedding Planner is amaaaaaazing and I love her to bits and can’t imagine a better person helping me plan the big day!
Post # 10
They both offer, but neither is really involved, likely because neither is local. I run stuff by my mom and I try to talk with FMIL or get FI to talk with her about how formal she expects things to be with us. I don’t think I’d really be comfortable accepting help from her.
Post # 11
This isn’t what you asked, but my DAD is super involved, which is sometimes frustrating and sometimes really great 🙂
FMIL isn’t involved. My mom is a little involved. I tell her what I’m going to do and she says, "Uh-huh." As far as actually helping, not so much. She’s going with me to my first dress fitting on Friday, which I think she’ll enjoy, but I don’t trust her eye or opinion nearly as much as I do my maid of honor’s, so it may be tough for me!
Post # 12
Thanks for the feedback ladies. It’s nice to see that there’s quite a range of family involvement. It’s made me realize that there is no "standard" for how involved my mom or FMIL should be. This is something completely individualized to each couple.
Post # 13
Since my parents are paying for a large chunk of the wedding, my mom definitely has a say. Unfortunately, oftentimes it feels like she has the final say and I get a courtesy vote. If my FI and I could afford to throw or own wedding in exchange for making the decisions ourselves, we would in a heartbeat.
Post # 14
WOW! This is a great post! My mom is involved in the respect that I ask her for her opinion and advice, but she has not booked or really "planned" anything. I have a friend who is getting married soon and her mom is doing EVERYTHING! It seems that any ideas that my friend has are shot down by her mom and it is kind of sad. Her parents are paying for most of the wedding, but she and her FI are contributing some money. My parents are contributing very little to the wedding, but even if they were paying for the whole thing, I don’t think my mom would be planning everything. Sometimes I wish she was more involved, but when I see how my friends’ mom is, I am grateful that I don’t have to deal with that!
Post # 15
My mom is paying for the entire wedding, and she’s been so gracious about it it’s insane. To be honest, I feel like I have to pry for her vote more often than not, which I’m more than happy to do because of her great taste and eye for design! And when we have different ideas (which has happened rarely since we’re not very far into the planning process), before I even suggest a compromise she’ll come out with "It’s *your* wedding! Go for that!"
I’m also blessed with a great mother in law who isn’t terribly interested in how the wedding goes. She’s not much of a designer at heart, but she’ll give me her opinion when I ask for it. The venue we’re having the ceremony and reception at has a vendor day I’ve invited both moms along to, as well as my FI and one of my MOH. We’re all so laid back I doubt there will be any issues at all! Plus my MOH (a photographer) and mom have a fabulous eye, so I’m really going to be depending on them for opinions.
Post # 16
I forgot the part about the FMIL. She is very helpful and kind. She has some opinions, but mostly just goes along with whatever I want. The wedding is at her house, so I think it has all been really easy considering that fact. She also drew a beautiful tree for out invitations and made us a map to include as well.