How involved should my parents be? (long)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

No one should be more involved in your wedding than you feel comfortable. Your dad doesn’t have to wak you down the aisle, or give you away, your mom doesn’t have to even be invited… etc etc… It may cause some conflict, but stand your ground, and only do what YOU want to do and what will make you happy. Don’t let anyone bully you into including them at a certain level, especially when they’ve never been there for you otherwise. Weddings tend to bring out the worst in people when it should bring out the best and most understanding. Sorry you’re having to deal with this. Just stay strong! Do what you need to do for yourself!

Post # 3
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Hmm, that all sounds like it pretty much sucks. My situation is different but I don’t speak to either of my parents and I just wanted to chime and and remind you that your parents don’t HAVE to be involved at all. Mine arnt invited to my wedding, I don’t even know if they know it’s happening, and do you know what? It’s fine. Anyone who knows and loves me and my FI either know why my parents won’t be at the wedding or are probably too polite to ask. I have excluded them from my wedding  because it’s the right thing for me and I don’t want them there. You are an adult and you do get to choose who you let into this important occasion, so I just wanted to let you know that if you’d rather keep them out if it then you can choose to do that and still have a great wedding! Good luck.

Post # 4
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee

I have a horrific relationship with my dad due to his substance abuse/physical and mental abuse of my siblings and I. I also have a strained relationship with my step sisters die to their alienation of out family. They are all not invited. If you don’t have a good relationship you don’t have to put on a mask for tradition. People are only allowed as much of a role as YOU want and there is nothing wrong with them not having a role at all. Will it hurt some feelings? Probably. But everyone makes their choices and all choices have consequences and your mother and father have made some poor choices that will have consequences they don’t like with regard to their involvement with you. It is selfish of your father also to demand more of a role than you are comfortable with. It seems like mostly concerned with “looking good” in a public setting. Like he hasn’t been there but now there are people watching he wants to be? Do what makes you happy, you don’t owe anyone anything. 

Post # 5
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

This is your wedding, and as PP have posted, do what you feel comfortable doing. If you don’t want your dad walking you down the aisle then don’t! If you want somebody to do it, get a grandfather (if either are still with you), one of your dad’s brothers, or even your brother! Or even walk down the aisle with your FH! I’ve read of couples doing that as well. Good luck and don’t feel bad or anything about this. They made the choice if what type of relationship they wanted with you, and their choice is their loss, not yours!!

Post # 6
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

When I got married to my ex H back in 2001, I hadn’t been in touch with my father for 13 years – he wasn’t invited.

I also didn’t invite my mother, as she ruined my first wedding with her selfishness.

The point I’m trying to make is that you don’t have to have your parents involved with your wedding at all if you don’t want to.  I didn’t feel guilty about my choices as I felt that my parents had failed to make their relationship with me a priority in their lives, and I wasn’t willing to ‘pretend’ that we had a better relationship than exists on my wedding day.

 

Post # 7
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I didn’t involve my parents in my wedding because they were being too controlling. They didn’t care what my wishes were. I am not close to my mother at all, yet she wanted to pretend we were close so that she could take over my wedding.

I didn’t appreciate the way my parents pushed my husband into asking for my hand, by refusing to acknowledge my engagement until he did so. I also did not wish to be given away like a possession. 

I ended up eloping to get away from my parents, especially my unbearable and ridiculous mother. Talking to her didn’t work. Sometimes people need a slap in the face to wake up and that was what my elopement was for my mother. Now she doesn’t get into my business at all. 

Just do whatever is going to make you happy. You don’t owe dysfunctional parents anything. 

Post # 8
Member
2833 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My relationship with my parents isn’t patently horrible and I still didn’t involve them. They were invited, but no speeches, no role of honor, no bouts/corsages, no gifts, no allotted number of people they were allowed to invite etc. They were guests like everyone else. Because it was my choice and I preferred not to. My point: girl, do what will make YOU feel good! Your wedding doesn’t have to be the one pivotal event where you drive yourself crazy trying to mend your relationships with everyone. You can always become besties with your Dad later, if and when either or both of you are so inclined. 

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