- 3 years ago
- Wedding: September 2015 - Beach
I’ve been engaged for about 2 months, and so far it hasn’t been a pleasant experience. I’m not even terribly excited.
A little backstory: my folks split up when I was 13. My mom went down this road of substance abuse in addition to having mental illness. She can’t take care of herself and she wound up in an assisted living home at the age of 52 (her roommate is 90, just to give you an idea as to what’s going on). My dad went on to remarry a wealthy woman whom my brother and I initially liked, but began to resent when she and my dad insisted that she was the new “mom”. The two of them are so wrapped up in one another and have isolated themselves from my family, and do not speak to me, my brother, my uncle (dad’s brother) and also are on scant speaking terms with his other brother and my grandparents. I haven’t had a civil conversation with the man in almost 3 years, and we have seen each other in person maybe twice.
When I told him I was engaged, he said he was happy, but his tone of voice said otherwise. He was upset because my FH didn’t ask for his permission. In my mind I’m like “what! you don’t even talk to ME! how can you expect him to approach you!” He is also concerned that he needs to “give me away” at my wedding. My view is that why should we put on a front for people that we have a “normal” father-daughter relationship for the sake of tradition? I know that the more involved he becomes, the more doors for hurt and disappointment open. If we can’t have a civil conversation about the weather, how can I involve him with a wedding? The icing on the cake of that conversation was that he said “I don’t have time to meet with you now, or in the next three weeks, but maybe after we can meet up”. He never followed through. Nor did I really want to.
I haven’t spoken to him since. It’s in my heart that I should invite him at least (which I will), but he can’t sit with the rest of my family for fear of awkwardness or a fight, and I really do not feel I’d be true to myself if we did the whole father-daughter aisle-walk and dance and all that jazz.
As for my mother, I haven’t even told her I’m engaged yet. I haven’t seen her for close to 7 years and she has never met FH, doesn’t remember his name half the time. When we speak on the phone, she’s out of it most of the time because of the meds she’s on and the past substance abuse taking a toll on her brain. She does remember some things. But it hurts because my mom has never been a “bad” person and I know she loves me, she has just made some very poor choices in life. It kills me that I can’t ever go wedding dress shopping with her. I’m not sure how or when to tell her, and if she knows she can’t come to my wedding. Not sure if the home will let her leave, or if I even want her there. After 7 years, its almost like she’s not my mom but just an older woman I speak to a few times a year. We really don’t know eachother any more.
So, there’s my story. I should probably talk to a therapist about this, but I wanted to tell my story here. I haven’t found a forum where there is a story that’s even close to mine in comparison, and I feel like I’m the ONLY PERSON who feels this way. I told it on another (not named) site’s forum, but it got deleted by the admins 🙁 Apparently it’s not OK to have a dysfunctional family and not be excited about involving said family in nuptial affairs.
I’m just looking for some sound advice given my situation.