(Closed) How is your marriage going?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

What kind of expectations are you feeling from friends and family?  Do you live close to family and in-laws?

Post # 4
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

It’s been pretty rough for us.  DH’s dad and brother died in an airplane accident the week after we got back from our honeymoon.  Now his mom is becoming more and more clingy and can’t do anything alone.  Hubs has to go over to her house to water her plants and change light bulbs because she can’t?

DH has transformed into a full-fledged momma’s boy.  I am constantly competing for his attention and time.  And whenever we hang out with his family I feel like his mom either ignores me or puts me down by criticizing the things I do or don’t do for hubs.

She was so not like this before we got married and I am having a really hard time with it.  Whenever I try and explain why I am upset, I get trumped by the “I just lost a husband and son” by my MIL and “My dad and brother just died!” from hubs.  As if my feelings don’t matter? Sigh

Post # 5
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@simpleandchic:

@JoJo Bananas:

 

I’m sorry to hear that ladies!  Holy that’s tough.  I don’t really feel like I can complain now.

Actually things are pretty good between us.  It’s everything else that is stressing me out!

Post # 6
Member
2496 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

It’s been going well for us overall!  We have our ups and downs too, but it’s been really nice to be married, live together, and spend our time together.  It was a NICE change from living separately!

It’s also been hard, though, because we’ve been preparing for DH to leave for the military.  It’s been very difficult in some ways because we’ve had to deal with the emotions and prepare to live separate lives when we just started sharing our lives together.  I know it’s normal and expected to go through some emotional separation, and we’ve had great communication about it, but it’s still hard starting our marriage knowing that he’ll be leaving.

Post # 7
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@simpleandchic:

🙁 I’m sorry you are having ups and downs. After already being together for ten years what kind of expectations are family and friends placing on you???

My husband and I were also together almost ten years when we got married and marriage was really no different from our every day life. Truly, not much changed for us. Within family and friends not much as well since every knew we were always going to get married/destined etc.

The only part that has made the first year of marriage hard was the unexpected loss of my BIL. My husband, I and BIL were like the three amigos. He was over all the time for dinner and I loved him like a brother and he loved me like a sister. The three of us were very close so it was very hard on our family. It absolutely sucked because our wedding day was such a culmination of happiness and everyone was SO happy. Then just a few short months later tragedy struck. But through it all our family has gotten stronger. And our relationship even stronger because we have truly been each other’s rock. Even before this we have gone through so much in our relationship that this was another hardship in life that we are making through together. So we are taking that one day at a time.

Our “marraige” on the other hand has been great.

@JoJo Bananas:

While I can see how your feelings can be “hurt” that your husband’s time and devotion is taken away from you during this newlywed phase. I hate to be a broken tape recorder right now and say yes absolutely your husband is doing the right thing by being “momma’s boy”.

You should always be #1 but at this time his mom needs him and HE needs YOU. Tragedy is something you have to get through together not separately. I think you need to tell your husband your feelings if you have not already done so. I don’t know how/if you were close to your BIL but I think the thing that I love my IL family for is that they realize it’s not only them losing a son and a brother. But I have also lost a brother through this as well.

Post # 8
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

We’re one month in now.  Things are going okay.  No ups.  No downs.  We’re just going about our day to day lives like we did before we were married.  (We lived together for 1 year before marrying.)  His family is a bit codependent and that is a bit annoying to me.  I’m from a family where we as adults do our own thing and come together for special occasions.  Our families are very different be we’re getting along fine.

Post # 9
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@Gerbera:  I have tried my hardest to be there for him and all his family since September, but it is really taxing.  For about two months after the accident I was the one cooking meals for DH, MIL, SIL, SIL’s husband and SIL’s 3 year old daughter.  I started going to work 2 hours earlier so that I could take care of everyone in the evening.  I would go to work 7am-4pm, grocery shop and then drive to MIL’s house and cook dinner for all six of us.  I always try and be helpful but it really is hard to be when you are constantly being criticized.

Hubs knows how I feel but neither one of us can change how MIL acts towards me.  He feels so sad for his mom that he will drop anything to help her.  I don’t mind him helping her.  But I do think she takes advantage of him sometimes.

Post # 11
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

OP:  Well, every relationship is different and each couple has what they consider to be normal behavior.  As long as no one is feeling bad about it, then all is fine, but it sounds like your DH is not too happy about you wanting to go and do things on your own like “after work drinks” without him.

In our relationship, the only time I go out without my hubby is if he is busy at work or otherwise unavailable.  I always feel better if I can go out with him to a group function than to go alone.  I always want to be with him.  We are about to have our 1 year anniversary on Sunday and I love him more today than the day I married him.  This has been the best year of our relationship so far.  It’s been hard because we both have had super demanding work schedules….maybe that’s why we want to be with each other so badly since our time together is so limited.

Post # 13
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

awwww. Poor guy.  He probably just wants to be invited.  He may not even really want to infringe on your personal time, but would simply like to know that he is welcome to join his wife if he wanted to.  I can’t blame him. Hope you can work something out.

Post # 14
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

the only issue i had was sometimes i felt like i was asking permission (when making plans, spending money) and i had to learn it was about taking him into consideration

Post # 16
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@JoJo Bananas: Stop doing it. I’ve realized that if someone doesn’t like you, they won’t like you no matter how hard you try. At some point you have to just let them fend for themselves or there will be no end to it. 

Yes, they’re still mourning, yes it was tragic, but you have to stop doing all you can when all you get are complaints in return. The MIL will complain regardless, so just cut her off. “You can’t control how she treats you but you can control how you react,” I’ve read that many times and I never really got it until now.

For your sake and sanity, just stop doing so much, try to get your normal routine back and hopefully, in time, your husband will follow. But let him follow you on his own, he loves you, he will eventually.

HUGS 

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