Post # 1
Bees! I need honest opinions and advice.
Here’s a little background:
My Fiance and I have been together for 3 years. We bought the stone for my engagement ring last fall. It was not a surprise to my family. They all knew an engagement was coming. We’ve lived together for over a year.
My sister and her Fiance have been together for a year. Shortly after we bought the stone for my ring, he announce he was going to propose to her at Christmas. I wasn’t mad. I was happy for them and even postponed our engagement because I knew it was important to her to be engaged first (because she’s the older sibling). I, on the other hand, couldn’t care less who gets married first. Because it’s not a competition and it’s not about a wedding — it’s about marrying the person you love.
Anyway- they set the date for this September 21st. I am helping my sister with everything. I designed and made the Save-The-Date Cards. I’ll be doing the same with all of the invitations to her 150 person wedding. I’m also throwing the shower AND doing most of her photography to save her money.
We don’t want to wait that much longer to get married. We thought a November wedding of this year would be nice and give my sister some breathing room. And the idea of postponing my marriage and the start of our life together just to appease my sister seems a little strange to me.
We would be having a small ceremony with 40 people total and a restaraunt reception. It would require very minimal planning. I live two hours away from my family so it’s not like I’d be stealing the spotlight from her. I don’t even want the attention. I don’t want a winter wedding because weather in OH is not fun and I’m a wedding photographer so I don’t want a wedding during peak wedding season. And I really don’t want to wait a year and half.
If you read all of this, you’re awesome. And thanks in advance for any advice you can offer up!
Post # 3
I’d give a 2 month buffer. But that is more for your guests convenience than your sister’s. Weddings can be expensive for all parties invovled and you don’t want to have to force your guests to choose between your sister’s wedding and yours or cause any sort of financial issues.
Post # 4
I did think about that. I will only be inviting about 10 of the same people, and they are immediate family. So I don’t think money will be an issue for them.
I guess I’m more worried about the fact that my sister said “its her and her FI’s big day and she wants the attention to be on them.” She also said she guesses she wouldn’t care if I didn’t tell anyone about my wedding until hers was over.
And that just sounds crazy to me. But maybe I’m the one being inconsiderate. IDK.
Post # 5
Personally, that’s plenty of time, especially if you have already done so much for hers and yours is going to be smaller.
We’re getting married 2 months after my SO’s brother. We are expecting it to ruffle a few feathers, but really, she gets her day and you get yours. I think it’s nice to give a few weeks buffer, and you’re doing that. You also aren’t expecting her to jump in to planning your wedding. You shouldn’t be expected to put your life on hold for a year and a half for some mythical thing called thunder that I am still not even sure what it is, even after reading about it on this board all the time!
Go for it!
Edit: Hold up, she said you shouldn’t tell anybody about your wedding until after hers is over? How old is she, 12? That’s a little off the wall if you ask me. Nobody’s going to be accidentally celebrating your wedding at hers. That’s ridiculous.
Post # 6
I think waiting a couple of months is plenty of time. Some brides have it in their heads that the entire year should be wedding free aside from theirs, and that is just crazy to me!
Your sister gets one day. If she gets mad because you choose to marry the man you’ve been with for over 3 years a couple months after her wedding, she is in the wrong, not you.
Post # 7
@Mrs_Sailor: First of all, you are being so freaking sweet.
Second of all ” couldn’t care less ” Thank you. Thank you so much. That is the correct and amazing way to say that phrase.
Judging by what you’ve written, I honestly think whatever decision you make will be the right one. She’s being a bit odd. I just want you to make sure you have enough time to plan yours and to make sure she’s not still trying to hog the spotlight after 2 months.
Post # 8
@CaroBee: I know! I honestly did not expect this kind of reaction out of her. I thought she’d be happy. Now I can’t help but feel like if I did plan for a November wedding, I would have to do everything in secret. And the thought of that makes me really sad.
I don’t need a ton of attention, but I would at least like to go dress shopping with my mom and grandma and sister.
Post # 9
@Baroness_Meg: Thank you so much for this! This is how I was feeling, but didn’t know how others felt. I thought we could have fun doing wedding stuff together! But I guess not.
Post # 11
@DarthBetty: Hahaha yes! “Could care less” bothers me too! Makes no sense!
I basically just want a family dinner. And I don’t want to wait a year and a half to plan a family dinner haha. It would drive me insane!
Post # 12
@Mrs_Sailor: Seems fine to me.
I am understanding this correctly? You cannot mention your wedding until after hers? Wow, how inconsiderate of her! Are you supposed to secretly send invitations? She only gets one day!
Post # 13
I think you’re being so considerate to your sister, but you need to start putting your foot down a little bit so she doesn’t take advantage of it. Make sure you take time for your own plans as well!
Have your wedding in November, because that’s what you want. What does it matter when she wants your wedding to be? That’s not under her control.
The only thing I would do if I were you? Don’t talk to her about your wedding until hers is over. I think what she kind of meant by “don’t tell anyone,” was “don’t tell me.”
Even though that may not be very fair, I think it’s a good way to avoid drama if she needs to have first dibs, so to speak. It makes it easier with your low-key wedding, it shouldn’t consume your life in a way that you can’t stop talking about it 🙂
Post # 14
Start planning it because you don’t want to be rushed if you wait until after her wedding, but don’t make too much of a fuss about it to her… UNTIL she’s back from her honeymoon and then you can talk as much as you want about your wedding! 🙂
Post # 15
@CakeyP: I totally agree with you. I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation. For example: If I invite her to go wedding dress shopping then I am taking attention away from her. If I don’t, she’ll be mad she didn’t get invited.
Even though she’s since apologized, I know how she’ll be feeling in the back of her head.
Post # 16
@Mrs_Sailor: People get a wedding day, not a wedding year. Anything extra done for you above and beyond that one day should be seen as a blessing and bonus, and should not be expected. That said, your buffer is more than long enough. It’s unfair for you to have to keep delaying your life and dreams to appease your sister. You have been gracious in allowing her to have whatever spotlight and attention she needs. Go ahead with your November wedding!
This year in my family, my brother is getting married in June in Orlando, my cousin is getting married in November in Chicago, and I am getting married in Maui in January. My cousin got engaged a few days after I did and is having her wedding first. I am elated for her, but would never change my plans for her and she would never ask me to. Only our closest family members will be invited to all three weddings, and that’s maybe 20 or so people. I have 5 siblings, so my siblings and their dates/ spouses are half of those 20 people, and they are all excited about the weddings/vacations. Also, rather than extended family being put off by three family weddings in one year, I am finding people want to go to all three, and those who didn’t make my guest list keep inviting themselves. Once people hear through the grapevine that my wedding is at the Ritz-Carlton in Maui, they drop hints that they’d love to go to Maui. I just politely reply that we are keeping it intimate and change the subject.