Post # 1
The 17th marks 3.5 years for us. I’m pretty sure I’m done. This has been going on for a while and we have been living together for a year – long enough to make a decision. At this point, I think my boyfriend is just coming up with excuses to prolong getting engaged
…(like supposedly looking for a house, even though he does nothing but look at houses online, and has for months. He claims he’s going to get preapproved for a mortgage on Wednesday. He doesn’t make appointments to see houses, anything. He’s also in grad school – which isn’t a cost to him at all, it’s totally covered – but studies obsessively. I know going to grad school even part-time is a lot, but SERIOUSLY? Not more than an hour or two a week to do anything else when he’s not working?)
It’s just gotten to the point where I feel angry and resentful toward him. We have talked everything to death and he says what I want to hear, but never does what I would like for him to do. That’s fine. I don’t nag – we talk about it maybe every few months – and he doesn’t know my timeline. He knows I would like to be engaged but I’m done with sitting back while he takes his sweet ol’ time.
How long have others waited in the past before they declared “SEE YA!”? How much longer are you willing to wait? How long have you been together already?
I’m not soliciting advice on my situation, as I feel…well, it’s time for this ship to go one way or another. I’m tired of sitting in the middle. I know one thing’s for sure – he sure will miss me when I’m gone! If not me, all the fresh laundry, washed dishes, dinner on the table! 😀
Post # 3
@CupcakeQueen: If you’re ready to leave, more power to you for standing up for what you deserve!
I think you owe him a final explanation– just a “hey, I’m really serious about them and am considering leaving.”
Post # 4
@CupcakeQueen: It sounds like he wants to focus on school before bringing anything else to the table. Also you say hes not working, which sounds like hes not in a financially appropriate position to get engaged/married. But if you feel thats its time to move on, only you can make that decision.
Post # 5
I gave myself a time line of 5 years.I don’t think I ever told him my time line. The closest I came was yelling at him, I will not wait 10 years for you to make up your mind! (That was after we had been dating 3 years and he told me he didn’t even think he would want to get married till at least age 30 or 35)
This April will be 5 years we have been together, He proposed last October.
Post # 6
I’d like to clarify: he IS working and has been full-time for 5 years. He has an excellent job in a university – very stable, TONS of perks (including them paying for grad school. Every employee at the university gets free tuition. He only pays for books). He’s making 2 – 3 times what an entire FAMILY in our area makes.
We both already have our bachelor’s degrees and work. He’s pursuing a master’s degree, and it’s not actually necessary for his job – either to advance or to keep his job. So, mostly for fun and “maybe one day I’ll want a managerial position.”
So, his ducks are all in a row in that area. I do think though he’s suddenly plunging himself into other things in a bid to delay getting married for a few more years, even though he SAYS something different. He’s such a procrastinator on everything I no longer believe him. He may MEAN that he would like to get married in a year or two, but reality? Five years, if even then.
I’m not sure if I should give him a heads-up. I think that’s sending out a beacon to get a fake proposal out of desperation. Then instead of being single and waiting, I’m engaged and waiting to plan a wedding that may never come. And I’ll always wonder if he just proposed because he felt it was an ultimatum.
I don’t do ultimatums. I have picked my deadline, and then I will leave. I’ll tell him in the final conversation but I have no intention of telling him, “…but I might stay if you hop to it.”
I know it works for many women but I’m just not willing to beg to have him marry me. My opinion is that he’s made his piece loud and clear: I’m not the one he wants to marry. If I were, we would have been moving and doing SOMETHING by now!
Post # 7
I think that maybe you need to GIVE him a timeline. A realistic one, and see what he says about it. I told my Fiance before we were engaged, that I wanted to be engaged by our 2 year anniversary. That worked for US, but that obviously doesn’t work for everyone, I think before you leave, you need to tell him exactly what you need and give him the chance to meet that. If he doesn’t, then you’ll have your answer. My Fiance proposed to me three weeks shy of our 2 year anniversary! LOL
Post # 8
@CupcakeQueen: first of all im sorry your going through this….it sucks. I agree i thinks it time for you to make steps to move forward. I waiting 4 months from the time i brought it up (seriously) til the time he proposed. I gave him an ultimatum, he followed through and he tells me everyday how thankful he is that he asked me to be his wife.
Dont settle for less…you deserve so much better!
Post # 9
I followed Patti Stanger’s (The Millionaire Matchmaker) rule. If marriage hasn’t been seriously brought up or action taken after 2 years it’s time to evaluate. It sounds like you’ve already made your choice & more power to you! There’s no reason to stay in a relationship that isn’t moving forward.
Post # 10
(Ah, now I see why you thought he wasn’t working – I didn’t mean, “He’s not working, so he studies and only has an hour or two of free time a week.” I meant, “He’s working, and then besides an hour or two a week, he spends all his free time studying.”
Post # 11
My SO and I have been together 7 years…we’ve lived off and on together for about 3 of those years. Now that we’re older (I’m 27 and SO will 26 next month), we are finally at a point where we are ready to take the next step forward. I’ve been waiting for about 8 months.
I know you didn’t ask for advice, but do you and SO talk about your future together? Does he talk about marriage? Guys tend to be very checklist driven…taking care of tasks and accomplishments they feel are important in order to make themselves “ready” for that next step in a relationship. This could be school, house, money, paying off debt, traveling…what have you. What does your SO’s timeline look like in terms of what he wants to take care of in life?
I’m really sorry you feel this way. It can certainly be frustrating but I think you will get a lot of great support here.
Post # 12
@CupcakeQueen: Just curious, how old are you? Have you discussed marriage? Have you discussed what kind of wedding you would want? Is he planning on buying a house with you paying for some of it or just by himself?
Post # 13
@asscherlover: I 2nd this. If you haven’t talked about ANY of these….that’s a bad sign.
He needs to get it movin…..Honestly, I stayed with a guy for 1.5 years and could SEE it wasn’t going to end up in marriage (even though we were very happy). Then I met my current husband and knew within 6m that it would be happily ever after….he was just more serious about the future and not afraid to make decisions. I give you enouragment and support to do the best for you & your future.*hugs*
Post # 14
I think if you are questioning whether or not you are done, then you are done. I don’t really think giving him a timeline is a great way to help him make a decision either, because to me it’s like giving him an ultimatum. I just don’t feel that is the right way to go about a healthy relationship. It’s either there or it isn’t. If he wants to make a commitment to you, then he should do it on his own free will. If he’s not ready after this amount of time, maybe he’s not the right guy.
I just ran this by my Fiance, he said “If he’s on the fence, then it’s no.”
Post # 15
If you don’t want to discuss a timeline, I don’t know how you plan to address other serious life decisions with any man you marry. That seems odd that you don’t want to be honest and up front about what you want in life.
Post # 16
I’d definitely give him not an ultimatum, but a heads-up. “I don’t feel this relationship is moving forward. Marriage is a huge priority for me in life and I am done hoping it’s going to happen.” Then let him know you’re considering a move out or whatever the case may be. At the very least, ,maybe some time apart will bring the relationship more into focus for the both of you. Some men can get VERY lazy and complacent once cohabitation sets in.