How long do I wait for an engagement?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

10 years?  Really?  How many more decades are you going to live this joke?

You need to move on.  He’s a man-child happy to live at home.  It’s been 4 years.  It won’t get better.

Post # 3
7915 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Yeah I would not be okay with living with parents for years with no goal or plans to move out in sight. If youre not ready to all out break up I would at least get your own place so you can regain some independance. Surely you’ve been able to save a lot living with them- just tell him you’re moving out with or with out him. 

Post # 4
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

dessilove:  I do not think it’s unreasonable for you to want to have a place of your own. Perhaps it’s time to strike out independently and find your own place. He can decide to join you or not and your relationship will organically change from there.

Post # 5
669 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

dessilove:  You aren’t tied down. Go buy a house, rent an apartment. Whatever you want. I was in a realtionship with a guy a couple years older than me when I bought my first home at 21. He was still living at home. What is stopping you?

At this stage I would be mortified to be living with the bf’s parents for years on end with no exit goal. You should have tons of money saved from living there, even if you were chipping in.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  Olgarie.
Post # 6
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think he can be a good son and a good boyfriend.  Today might not be the best day to move out, but you can decide on a moving date, look at rings, and quietly start planning a wedding.  I respect your SO for wanting to care for his parents at this time, but that doesn’t give him a free pass to put your life on hold and keep you waiting with no end in sight.     

Post # 7
302 posts
Helper bee

that is absurd. 10 years is a long time. 4 years living with his parents is a LONG TIME. He’s gotten complacent, and with his family surrounding him it probably feels like it’s his way (and their way by extension) or the highway. I would talk to him about your desire to move on and start your own family. If he balks on it at all, move out on your own and see how he reacts. If he’s resentful, then move on full stop. I know it must be agonizing after ten years to even think about moving on, but he’s not moving anywhere…. and if you stay with him, neither will you. 

Post # 8
8850 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I don’t think 10 years is that crazy since you’re still only mid to late 20s – we got engaged 12 years after we started dating at 17 and that was perfect for us. BUT – on all other ways he sounds like a manchild.

The potential problem with getting together with someone at such a young age is that it can turn out that as adults, your life goals and ambitions really don’t match up very well at all. You can still love someone very much but he can be the wrong life partner for you. 

You need to have a serious talk with him and set some actionable goals – move out, full time work, savings, etc – with a specific timeline. If he’s unwilling or doesn’t meet those goals, I’d cut your losses. Even given the stroke, it’s not your responsibility to live like teenagers and put your life on hold forever. 

Post # 9
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I agree with lolot! You need to have a serious talk with him!

My husband is quick to get comfortable and I have had to help him light the fire under his behind to get things rolling.

I don’t see a problem with you both living at his parents home- in this economy, it’s not out of the norm, but in the case that you do have money saved and financially, you guys are ready to move into your own place… he is just using his family as an excuse. There is never a “good” time for change… you just face it and move on with your life. If you can compromise on location, he can help his family from a nearby home or apartment… like stop by to check on his dad on his way from home or something and he’ll be close by in case of an emergency.

I do agree also that it is a case of him not wanting to grow up (which unfortunately, is something I have to deal with my husband as well, and I’m pretty sure this will be an issue always…) I had to figure out a way to talk to him that could get him to see that we need to progress in our lives and if he didn’t want to do that- then ultimately, he didn’t want to be with me. Now, he is better with planning for the future and actually following through with them- but I still have to kind of nudge him every once in a while which I’m OK with.

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