Post # 1
Hey everyone, I just needed a little bit of advice. I had been doing so well with the christmas challenge and keeping my mouth shut about all engagement talk but over the last few days I have had an overwhelming feeling of anxiety about not being engaged. I don’t know what sparked it at all. I had been trying to put the whole idea of a proposal/being engaged out of my mind (as hard as it had been). I was so proud of myself for not bringing up anything marriage related but then the other day I happened to mention some small little wedding related thing and he was just silent. I guess I am just starting to get so frustrated because it sounds like most girls on here have boyfriends who either a)bring up some aspect of weddings/engagements/rings/proposals on their own or b)will at least respond when you bring up something wedding related. I just feel like its obvious that a proposal isn’t coming any time soon and we have been together for over 4 years. I’m to the point that I just think its ridiculous. I wouldn’t care but due to his parents wishes, we are not allowed to live together or even go on vacations with just the two of us! I feel like if he is going to continue to do what his parents say (he is 30) then this should be at least some motivation to get married, just so he can do what he wants (obviously thats not the only reason, just one of many). I had thought he was trying to keep quiet about proposals because he was trying to throw me off but the other night he showed me his bank accounts and there is no money missing whatsoever, then he told me he was happy he is getting so much money in his savings so that he can buy a house, what about a ring?!?! I’m so tired of it!!! I don’t know. I guess I’m just getting discouraged and wanted your thoughts… I had a mental deadline set that I wanted a proposal by February or I would have to re-evaluate the situation, but I don’t think I can wait that long. I think 4 years is plenty of time for him to decide he wants to be with me and to propose. I am to the point that my feelings are hurt that he doesn’t seem to care enough about me to want to marry me.
We have had so many conversations where I have told him how I felt and he agrees, but he clearly isn’t planning on proposing anytime soon. Have any of you waited for longer than you wanted to? What kept you waiting? How long do you think you should wait and how much stalling should you put up with before calling it quits?
Post # 3
Only you know how long you should wait. There are bees here that waited almost 10 years. You have to decide for yourself how long you are going to wait and what’s important to you. *hugs*
Post # 4
I waited longer than I wanted. If I’d have had my way we’d be married by now. But I waited because HE wasn’t ready. It’s hard coming to that realization but when I did it made the wait easier b/c I didn’t want him proposing w/o meaning it. Good luck 🙂
Post # 5
I think typically by the 1 year mark is when you KNOW whether or not that person is ‘The One.’ Theres not always a proposal at that mark, but at least some talk of where the relationship is going. It’s most definately time to bring up the subject to your boyfriend and ask him how he feels. If he doesn’t take the conversation seriously, either make an ultimatum or leave after a set time limit in your mind. Tell him you feel the relationship isn’t going anywhere and that you want to know where you both stand.
Best of luck!
Post # 6
I agree with MissTattoo. Only you know when it’s past the breaking point of waiting. I think I’d be upset he’s listening to his parents about how to run his life. It’d make me think they are the reason he hasn’t proposed. He’d need to cut the cord. (not that I am trying to be rude.)
My SO does talk about when we get married and has given me a “propose by” date, but I’m getting super impatient because it’s coming fast and it’s making me nervous about what to do if it comes and nothing. We’ve only been together for 2 years next Saturday, not as long as some others have been waiting.
Post # 7
Definitely a personal decision, but you really sound like you are almost at your breaking point. I too agree that after 1-2 years you definitely know.
I do want to let you know that you are not the only one whose SO gives you the silent treatment when anything is brought up. Mine wants nothing to do with it… It’s not easy, but I am trying to be okay with that. Guys don’t think like most of us gals do.
Is there anything you can think of that might be holding him back? I know my SO has a hard time because he doesn’t have a career built for himself and that’s something he really wants. Do you think maybe he wants to buy a house first then ask you to marry him and then live with him in his own home?
I do think that four years is plenty of time. Is he totally opposed to giving you any sort of timeline for the future? Do you both want to have children? This is the only reason I have a timeline right now, because we both want to have children relatively soon and he knows this so he knows the ball needs to get rolling. Neither of us are getting younger!!
You might think about giving him an ultimatum… If we arent engaged by X date, then I will really need to reconsider our relationship and what I want. However, you definitely need to prepare youself to act on that ultimatum if you give him one. Some people really disagree with ultimatums, but in a situation like yours where he’s had enough time to decide and is also old enough to know, I do not think it would be a bad thing for you.
Good luck and lots of hugs! I know it’s not easy.
Post # 8
have you spoken to your SO about where you both stand? It can be an awkward convo to start but I wouldn’t put a time limit on your relationship untill you’ve had a good long talk about it all.
I used to feel that anxiety about getting engaged like you said in your post, even when my SO and I spoke about getting married. My SO said that it made him feel like I just wanted to get the rock on my finger- not that I wanted to be married and spen my life with him. So I kinda calmed down a bit after that, and we later on had a baby together. Then when our son was born I started freaking out again thinking that if he doesnt want to do it after I’ve had his child then he will never want to do it! Getting engaged was all I could think about, so we had another talk about it and he said he didn’t want to propose to me while pregnant because he didn’t want me or other people to think that he was doing it because we were having a child together and he had to. He told me that the lastest he would do it is the end of February next year.
Talking to him about it really helped me relax a little bit about the situation and in turn made us so much happier as a couple… he has now got the ring and is secretly planning a proposal. I never gave him a timleline to do it, I would stay wiht him even if we weren’t married.
The reason why I tell you all of this is because in my experience communicating about it made the world of difference.
Post # 9
Like the PP’s said ONLY YOU KNOW how long you are willing to wait. I’ve been in my relationship for 3 1/2 years and I have a deadline of end of this year. (yeah I know about 24 more days for my SO) He figured out my “deadline” a few weeks ago but we’ve been talking about it for a few months now. I never gave him an ultimatum (even though he kind of figured it out) the deadline was fo ME. I initially told him in Feb that I didn’t want to go into “another year” (meaning 2011) without an engagement. I then kept quiet from Feb to July. We’ve gone ring shopping twice this year, July and Sept so that’s when the subject arose again. So no excuses. I think by 2 years in a relationship you should be able to determine whether or not this person is marriage material and be moving towards the next stage (engagement) if you aren’t there yet. Then if you want you can wait another 1-2 years before you marry. I hate that I didn’t stick to that plan myself. I think I wouldn’t be so stressed out about it right now. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt due to financial issues and the pure fact that our relationship was going very good.
Post # 10
I pretty much agree with @PrettySedity’s timeline. I feel like after a year (two years tops), you know whether or not that person is marriage worthy… and it’s time for some kind of engagement. I’ve been with my current SO for a little less than a year, but we both knew almost immediately that this was it for us. We moved in together after dating for about 5mo and will be getting engaged within the next 4mo or so. I wasn’t playin when we got together, though… I put it all out there on the table early on, LoL. He knew that I wanted to get married, not just date endlessly. I’ve had previous relationships that were far too long (5yrs & 2.5yrs), so this time I went in making it clear exactly what I was looking for. I don’t force anything on anyone… he was actually looking for the same things I was. So it works for us.
You have to decide what your breaking point is. Personally, I feel that 4 years is plenty of time… if you feel like letting go, don’t be afraid to let go. There’s definitely a guy out there just waiting to take his place.
Post # 11
I ask myself the same question sometimes. I’ve been with my bf for 6+ years and it was around the 3 (or maybe 4) year mark that I got bit by the engagement bug. I hate waiting but I know he’s only just recently felt ready to take the next step. It will probably be awhile before a proposal actually happens but I do know we are on the same page. I have a mental deadline of August, which will be our 7 year anniversary and I’ve told him that I would like to be engaged by then. No pressure, jsut to let let him know where I stood. Now, it wasn’t an ultimatum like “propose or else” but he knows I don’t know if I will actually leave or not but I will seriously reevlauate the relationship.
I think we all have our breaking points, as msFoxxy said but only you can say what yours is. Do you think he was trying to throw you off by saying that his savings is going towards a house? He might have gotten you a ring and doesn’t want to give away the surprise. Good luck and I hope you can work everything out.
Post # 12
I think an important fact here is that he’s 30 years old and still listening to his parents on not moving in with you or going on vacation together. Will this change if you guys do become engaged? I say this because DH’s parents were originally aganist us moving in together (we did) and at one point we almost broke up because he was following his parents wishes instead of his own and I couldn’t stay with someone like that. I think you guys should have a talk about the future. 4 years is a significant amount of time and while some guys take longer than others to propose, it doesn’t seem like he’s taking any steps towards getting engaged. If he does get a house, I’m assuming you still won’t live together? I’d talk to him about it and see what his timeframe is and what his thoughts on when you guys might get married are. Good luck!
Post # 13
Yeah I would be a little worried too, about him being 30 and still listening to his parents. I can understand the not living together but no vacations alone? Does he live with them still?
I agree w/pp only you know for sure how long to wait. Guys do think differently then we chicks do. You should try to talk to him about all of your concerns, it’s obviously bothering you , and it won’t get fixed with out working on it.
Post # 14
@LittlePenguin:Many women wait for several years for the man to decide how their life will proceed. I don’t agree with this, obviously I am not a passive person. From the first date I was clear about my desires to be married and what I was looking for in a man. He decided to persue me and step up to the plate. We are 15 months into our relationship and I am at my breaking point. He gave me a proposal deadline of March and I expect him to follow through with his commitment. I think it’s good to be clear about what you want and set expectations.
Post # 15
@LittlePenguin: I feel like we are in semi-similar situations. SO and I have been dating for over 4 years, and he is trying to buy a house right now. I will not move in until we are engaged. Well, obviously, the house will basically drain all of his savings/money of any sort, so I have no clue when a proposal will come. I have offered to help pay for the ring but he will have none of that. Just a day ago they asked for slightly more for the down payment so there goes more money. It is so frustrating because if he had proposed already, I wouldn’t be having such anxiety about getting this house. Don’t get me wrong, I want it and love it, but it just makes me feel like I am going to have to wait a long time until I get to move into its awesomeness. I do understand how you feel, though, like is the house more important to him than I am? He assures me this is not the case, but right now actions are speaking louder than words. I think this is just my anger talking, I know he loves me and he is not trying to make me feel this way, but I can’t help it 🙁
It is so frustrating and I will not wait too much longer. I am giving him a bit of a break since he is buying this house (all by himself, i must add) but if he hasn’t done it by january, we will have a serious talk. I told him I did not want to get to our 5 year (May) without a ring. If he doesn’t do it by 5 year, i don’t necessarily think I will walk but there will definitely be a huge conversation to have. I don’t think I can possibly fathom not being engaged by this time next year. So, no, I don’t know how long I will wait but let’s just say IT BETTER NOT BE LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post # 16
Thanks for all the great advice everyone! I have talked to him about how I feel about the whole situation so much and I have had so many breakdowns to him that now I just feel like anytime I say anything its just like beating a dead horse. I obviously don’t want to force him into it but it doesn’t seem as though anything will be progressing anytime soon. He said that he thinks we will probably be married in another 2 years. I know that two years isn’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things but when we aren’t even allowed to plan vacations unless we can find friends to come along so that his mom doesn’t get upset, its so frustrating and getting so old. And I am tired of packing an overnight bag nearly every day of my life since I’m not allowed to technically live with him, thus can’t keep my clothes and things like that there even though we spend every night together. I obviously want to be with him otherwise I wouldn’t have stuck around for this long, but I just feel like waiting any longer is only going to make me more resentful of him for not asking me. I don’t know… I just don’t know whats left that I can say. I suppose it is probably time to just give some sort of an ultimatum but I really don’t want that to be the reason he proposes. I just want him to do it because he is excited about the prospect of being married, but I am just lost as to why he still hasn’t felt that spark that would make him want to do it. I feel like there is something wrong with me personally that he still hasn’t proposed :(. It just makes me so sad. I know that each of us and our relationships are different, but what would you guys do if you were in this situation? It makes me feel relieved that there are a few others of you out there who are feeling this way right now (obviously I wish you weren’t!) but I love all the insight that you all give. It helps keep me sane 🙂 Thanks again so much for all the advice.