(Closed) How long is too long?…..

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

…I personally was prepared to wait forever and be my FIs life partner. I honestly thought he would never propose. But it was more important for me to be with him then without him. We dated for 10 years, lived together for 5 and purchased a house.

This is a very personal question that you really have to decide, no one can decide for you.

Good luck and keep your chin up girl!

Post # 4
1154 posts
Bumble bee

If he wants to propose now and you want to be engaged get engaged!  Do not let a material concern stop you, there are plenty of cheap rings out there and various options.  My mom didn’t have an engagement ring because it wasn’t a custom where she is from my Future Mother-In-Law (American) doesn’t have on either.  The two of you want to be engaged and get married – so do it!

Since you didn’t mention it before the summer he might not have known you wanted to get married and so didn’t feel there was any rush and was afraid to propose.

He doesn’t seem to be dragging his feet now and it seems like he wants to marry you.  I don’t think this is a problem.  🙂

Post # 5
1566 posts
Bumble bee

Guys often get comfortable with long-term, live-in relationships, so that’s why he probably did not take the initiative to propose. It has nothing to do with you being not good enough. If you didn’t bring up marriage until last summer, it probably wasn’t even on his mind before then. 

Going forward, I think you should view this whole engagement issue a little differently. When you talk about it in the terms of “When am I going to get my ring?” makes it sound like marriage is his decision and you are nothing but a passive actor, waiting for him to “choose” you. Marriage is a decision you two need to make together. I would make sure you both want to get married and agree on an approximate time to do this.

You need to personally figure out if being engaged with a ring and an official proposal is super-important to you, or if you just want to start planning and get married. If you want the marriage to happen faster, this might be a good idea.

Finally, you aren’t missing out on anything huge. Plenty of couples are very happy with no ring and no proposal. And it sounds like you will get married in the end, so that’s all that matters. 

Post # 6
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Also, don’t take the fact that other couples got engaged more quickly personally.  If you’ve been together seven years I take it you were probably fairly young when you got together.  I’ve found that in my group of friends, the time dating before engagement decreases as couples meet at older ages.  The older you are the better you know yourself and the better you can evaluate who’s right for you. 

He may not have done it awhile back because he wasn’t ready yet.  GirlWithaRing brought up that a lot of guys get complacent when they live with someone – I’ve found the opposite.  Very few people I know (guy or girl) would ever consider marrying someone they hadn’t already lived with for awhile – what if your living styles are totally incompatible?  He may be in that camp in which case a couple years ago was way too soon for him.

Decide what you want – do you want to do it right now.  No fancy ring, no big wedding?  If so, tell him.  It sounds like he’s ready for that.  It DOES sound like he’s interested, but is expecting you to need something he can’t give you now.  If you want it to be like that and want a surprise, you’ll have to decide if the risk of waiting is worth it.

Post # 7
1566 posts
Bumble bee

@Entangled – just to clarify, I didn’t mean that couples usually don’t want to (or shouldn’t) live together before getting engaged. Living together is an important step for many couples; however, after a certain period of doing so, a woman will often be ready to move on to the NEXT step, while many guys are happy just living together for many years. I think this might be the OP’s case. In order for a proposal to happen sooner, a woman has to engage her partner in conversation about marriage. 

Post # 8
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

If you want to be engaged, why are you letting something like a ring get in the way? Be engaged! Make it about committing your lives to each other, not about the purchase of a non-essential item. Buy the ring when you have money – but if you want to be engaged/married, be engaged/married! The money all ends up coming from one pot in the end, anyways! 🙂

Post # 9
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

In general, I call BS on the “I can’t afford to get engaged” excuse; you don’t need to have money to get married, much less be engaged to be married! (a wedding on the other hand …Smile ) Make sure he knows that the cost of the ring doesn’t matter to you, and that what is most important is that you are committed to each other.

Post # 10
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

*sigh* I have no advice to offer because I’m in the exact same boat. Been with my guy almost 6 years now and lived together for 2. I also didn’t bring up engagement at all until about a year ago. And I get the same feeling of: “If he really loved me and really wanted to marry me he would have done it earlier.” I do think though that guys are a little different than girls in that marriage is more “readiness” related than “relationship” related. I feel like guys have to be in a certain place in their life, with certain items checked off their “to-do” list before they’re ready to pop the question. Where as girls are more likely to be like: “I know he’s the one, let’s do it already!” If you’re with a guy before he’s ready it almost doesn’t matter how much he loves you–he’s not going to ask until he feels ready. (Which isn’t to say he’ll never ask or he doesn’t love you enough to marry you–you just better be prepared to wait for him!)

For your guy it might have been losing his job. Maybe he was starting to feel ready and then that happened and all of a sudden he doesn’t feel ready anymore. I know with my guy he wanted to finish school (which he will in 2 months!).

Good luck to you. 🙂

Post # 11
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I agree with Taylor4, I’m also in a live-in relationship and it’s easier for them to get complacent. But I’m a bit glad that he wants to get married eventually, in the future. Not sure if it’s me (horrible to think that) but I’ve already let him know that I think he’s the one. He thinks we work great together, too, and we’re still working things out (I don’t know if relationships ever stop working out?)

I do feel a tad bit sad when some couple dates for a year and marries shortly after…like when their relationship was shorter than mine or that my “waiting period” was longer than theirs.

Post # 12
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Here is how my guy explained it to me:  guys want to get married when they have all their ducks in a row.  They marry the woman they are with when this occurs.  For us, he was ready to propose at Christmas, but faced a significant financial set-back in January.  We had been talking about getting engaged in January, but January turned into March because he needed time to sort through his finances.  

It really was about his finances.  Some guys may throw that out as an excuse, but sometimes it really is a financial issue.  In his circumstance, he could no longer afford the ring he had put a deposit on, so it was a matter of waiting to save up for a few more months, or forgoing that ring all together and getting a cheaper one.  He chose option B, but it took some time for him to sort through it and make that choice.  Guys just need to feel like they are in a good place when they move forward with something big like marriage.

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