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Hey, all, first post :) I hope this is the right place. Sorry if it's a bit long...
I have to admit, I feel almost...guilty...for signing up and posting here. My BF and I have been together for 6.5 years and lived together for nearly 2...but we really don't talk about getting married or engaged very much, just because of where we are right now in life. But I can't stop thinking about it, and it's driving me crazy!
Anyway, my question is..how long is TOO long for an engagement? I'm finishing up my 3rd year of undergrad right now (21 yrs old, he's turning 27 soon and finished with his BA), and am applying to professional school, which will be another 4 years on top of that. All in all, I will not be done with school for another 5.5 years.
Since we've been together for so long, I have kinda set an internal timeline for myself that I want to be engaged in the next 1.5-2.5 years. It's a realistic goal aligned with when I will get my BS degree, but I also have it set because I don't want to invest even more in a relationship if I find out he's not "ready" after 8 years of dating, because then it's likely he'll never be "ready". Even then, I wouldn't want to get actually married until I'm all graduated and making $$$, which will probably be about 6 years from now.
Is a 4 year engagement too long? I know some people are like "why get engaged if you're not getting married in 1-2 years??", but I think it has something to do with me just being ready for him to "claim" me as his already and put a ring on it for everyone to see. Our friend already tell us we act like we're married, which is starting to bother me because we're not even engaged!
Am I being silly to want to get just get engaged already? I'd appreciate some experiences and opinions.
I think you'll feel a lot better if you have a serious sit down conversation with him about your plans moving forward as a couple (not that you expect anything RIGHT NOW but just to see if you're both on the same page). It sounds like you're unsure where things stand and maybe he can reassure you that he's serious about marriage when the time is right.
I think 4 years is too long- if you're not getting married in the following year or so, what's the rush to get engaged? It's not going to prolong the fun, it's going to prolong the stress to have an engagement that long.
Don't let people tell you an engagement is "too long" - we're in a similar position, 20 and in our undergrad, and to us it's important to be engaged now, even though we're not getting married until 2012. our reasons are personal and practical - I'd like to start planning early, and we really wanted to have that level of commitment, since we've felt ready for about 3 years (been dating 5 1/2.)
I think that the only time an engagement can be "too long" by any means is when for whatever reason, half of the couple doesn't want to get married, and keeps procrastinating. As long as the two of you know your reasons, it's what's right for you.
Hm...I mean we talk about it a little here and there. We both agree we're in no rush to get married, but engagement is a whole other ballgame, in my opinion.
I can understand 4 years of engagement being too long for people who are waiting because of emotional reasons or whatever, but it would be purely because of financial reasons. Trying to save for a wedding when you're paying out 20k/yr in tuition and fees isn't exactly something you can do overnight. On the other hand, once I graduate, I'm essentially guaranteed a job making 100k+/yr. It's just the money that's the issue, since neither of our families would be able to assist in any of the costs of *anything*.
Am I wrong for wanting an engagement after 8-9 years of dating? Things wouldn't be so complicated if I had just picked a *normal* profession and only needed 4 years of college instead of 8...lol.
Why do you have to be engaged to save money? I would think you could do that before you get engaged- I know I certainly did. If you get engaged, great, it's there! If you don't, great, it's there!
For me, engagement is about making that next step public, and having friends and family share in wedding planning. Around here venues fill up at least a year in advance, sometimes two anyway. I think sometimes after a long-term relationship you're just ready to take that next step, even if it means a longer engagement for financial reasons (which is exactly why we're waiting until 2012, as well.)
Four years is kinda long... I think you'd probably end up moving it up. If he's 27, are you sure you couldn't be married while finishing your education, if he's already done? But anyway it's not up to anyone but you. You both need to come to a decision based on how you feel and what's right for you. I can tell you though, that after having a 2.5 year engagement (almost done..in June...got engaged at 18 lol)...it gets old. Most people who I've heard of having them eventually just want to be married and move on with life. I would say I wouldn't be engaged for more than 2 years if I were to start this whole thing over again, but at the same time, I don't really regret the whole thing.
I dont see anything wrong with a long engagement. I think it is more beneficial for younger couples such as yourself b/c you have time to save a lil money at a time for wedding expenses, and youre young so there is no rush.
I would however say that 4 yrs is almost too long b/c I would be afraid people would forget you're engaged, nag you about if there will ever be a wedding, etc. This is happening to one of my sorority sisters, she is 26 ahd has been engaged since she was 22, and frankly I think the engagement/marriage spark is nearly gone..
i think you should do what is best for your own relationship..everyone is different and because of your situation a 4 year engagement may be best. 4 years is kinda long though, i could see where some of the excitement of it all might wear down, but again, all relationships are different :)
FI and I dated for 10 years before we got engaged..and our engagement will be 2.5 years long. To some that is crazy, but for us its what works best. We have been together since high school and FI is finishing his residency in 3 months, then he will get a job. We'll have a year to save $ and finally get married. Thats perfect for us.
It really all depends on your relationship and only you and your bf will know. My advice is to make sure you both are on the same page. Briefly talking about it and having an actual conversation (or multiple conversations) about your relationship and what steps are next are two totally different things. Years before our engagement, the hubs and I had talked thoroughly about what we wanted in our relationship and where we saw it going. We even discussed things like starting a family. Now, not everything goes as planned but since we were on the same page, it made our lives easier and never did we ever wonder the status of our relationship.
In my case, a 4 year engagement would have been entirely too long but we are at a different stage in our life compared to your situation. So from what I have read, 4 years may not be too long. You both have a lot of things going on right now in your life and let me tell you, wedding planning is no joke. There are a lot of details, so having more time to plan will suit you well and you will be able to save up a good amount of money to have the wedding of your dreams.
To sum up my POV, just make sure you both are ready for that step and you know exactly where your relationship stands now and in the future. Everything will work out for the best!
Good luck with everything!!
I think so. 15 months was too long for me. But if you aren't planning a wedding all 4 years then fine. Don't start planning the wedding until 13 months before hand otherwise you'll change your mind a million times, waste money, and drive yourself crazy.
I would generally speaking say that 4 years is "too" long. And the way you are talking about it makes it sound like one of those "next step" perpetual engagements. Not trying to sound harsh, but you should get engaged as a promise to marry, not to try to display your relationship to others as somehow more permanent than "just" living together. JMO anyway, YMMV.
One particular thing about your post is that you say you want to be engaged within a couple of years so he can prove he is serious about you...but then you wouldn't be getting married for four years or so after that. IMO, a 4 year engagement will not prove that he is commited to you. Four years is a LONG time. He can think right now, "OK, we can get married, why not?" and not really worry about it, but still balk at it when it actually comes. I mean, he doesn't really have to think seriously about actually getting married for several years.
FI and I have been living together for 11 years, but we did not get engaged until we were ready to make that ultimate commitment to each other. We will have been engaged for just under a year when we get married.
4 years is not long. My FI and I have been together for almost 5 years and our engagement (when we get married) would of been for 2.5 years. We didn't want to rush. I know alot of people who get engaged and then they start planning immediately instead of just enjoying the next phase in your relationship. My FI and I wanted to save money, pay down debt and like I said, transition into the next phase. Take your time, it doesn't matter when you get engaged or when you get married...the people in your life who give you grief just don't invite them when you actually get married. Alot of people gave us grief about us being engaged so long...but every relationship is different.
Thank you everyone for your inputs. It's really nice to hear different views of the situation, and it helps a lot. Thank you!
Honestly, I don't think you are silly at all to try to figure out where this relationship is going. If I'm doing my math right, you were 14 or 15 when you started dating, and he was 20? That makes me a little nervous, and I would certainly be nervous if I were in your shoes. More importantly than getting engaged, you need to have a very serious convo with this guy to discuss you life goals and where your lives are heading.
monitajb: Yes, I was about 14.5 and he had just turned 20 when we started dating. To be fair, we kept it very innocent until I turned 18, and my parents knew about everything from the get-go. It was love at first sight for both of us, and we've never split up since.
It's just frustrating because he'll make comments like "When we have kids..." or talk about moving out west when I'm finished with school, and that we want to live in a nice suburb and have lots of cats (don't ask...cat rescue sort of thing), so it leads me to belive he IS committed for the long haul, it'd just be nice to have a definite idea. Oh well, I'm not going to push any heavy conversations. When it comes up from time to time, we'll talk, I suppose.
I think anything over 2 years is too long. People will probably forget after that long.
@verosara - I totally disagree. Our engagement will be about 2 1/2 years, and we've gotten really good reactions because people understand our reasoning.
@ pharmy
That you guys were thoughtful about the age difference does say a lot, in my mind, and it is only good stuff. I didn't bring it up to chide, though, don't worry! I mention it only because I would be nervous in your shoes because of your relative lack of experience with adult relationships (though lots of Bees are in that boat). I dated the same guy from 15 to 20, and that was scary enough to emerge from.
You know, you guys are probably really ready for a State of the Union. Get out of town for a weekend and discuss what you want, not just in the next few years, but in your lives. Want to retire early? Want to open a business? Want to have 12 kids or 2? It sounds like it is time to start speaking out loud, together, about your dreams. You are totally right that it doesn't need to be pushy in the least.
(BTW, O-H?)
@verosara-yeah, i'm with lilyfaith on this one too. Our engagement is a little over 2.5 years and our families / friends totally understand and certainly will not forget.
I'm sure its not everyones ideal timeline but it what works for us. 
Nothing wrong with a long engagement! It will keep people from saying "So when is he gonna pop the question?" over and over and over (which I'm sure you get already!)
My husband and I were engaged for 3 years. We got engaged after the first year of college but waited until after he graduated in order to get married (our parents wanted us graduated first and since they paid for school we didn't fight them). Some people aren't going to understand long engagements and it will be hard for sure. You see all these other people planning but you can't plan yet because it is too early and you will probably end up changing your mind or the company might go out of business. Not sure if you have seen Mr. Bee's 3 Step Plan or not but it might help you out here. Good luck!
I feel it is up to you how long you want to be engaged but i do find 4yrs. a long time... people are taking about their 2 year enagements after a 3year relationship (5yr total) but she is talkin a four year engagement theat won't happen for 2 more years after a 6 1/2 year relationship (12yrs) and that means living together for another 6 years also.... if money is that big of an issue i say go to the courthouse,get married and renew your vows in a big ceremony at the 5 year anniversary...
@Future Mrs. Blocker - no, I said 2 1/2 year engagement after 5 1/2 year relationship, so 8 years total dating before the marriage. :)
I think you may be setting yourself up for dissapointment. I really hate to say it, b/c I am soooo the person who feels that couples should do what is best for them since they are the only people in a given relationship, but it doesn't sound like your bf is onboard with your plans yet.
And I'm not sure what kind of school you're going to post-grad - whether you're staying at the same university or not, but you know, since that isn't set in stone, you may want to see if your bf is even willing to follow you to whatever school you choose or if you guys can manage a ldr. Maybe he has expectations that aren't the same as yours...
Counting on all this stuff you hope will come to fruition...it's just like counting your eggs before they hatch. Obviously you know your relationship, but this screams DANGER ZONE.
Also, this seems like the quintessential issue guys have with women and communication - you need to communicate what you want because he's not psychic.
I'm going to assume (I know - that's bad) based on your user name and some info you included that you are applying to pharmacy school. I am finishing up my second professional year now and getting married this summer. I would just keep in the back of your mind that you will have a lot of life changes in the coming years. For starters, getting into professional school in competitive (at the school I go to I believe ~12 people applied for each seat in the professional program - and it's a new school, so I'm sure those numbers are a lot higher elsewhere). If you're interesting in any type of clinical work, a residency (1-2 years) is highly recommended after you graduate. Often times you have to relocate for that work as well. At least in the area I live, the job market is getting somewhat tighter as well.
I'm not trying to discourage you, but honestly I would wait until you get settled in a professional program before making decisions about an engagement. Professional school definitely causes you to grow and change. PM me if you are actually looking to go to pharmacy school (if my guess was right...) and if you have any questions :-)
Update: My FI and I decided to actually put back our wedding. We are both trying to go back to grad school so decided that we might "a loose might" get married in 2012 or 2013. Good luck!
My FI and I have a 28-month engagement, and it's perfectly appropriate. We have good reasons, smart reasons, logical reasons, and our family and friends have done nothing but support us and be happy for us and help us out!
I think it depends on what you want. Some people aren't quite at a place where they're ready for marriage but want a stronger committment so become engaged, lets you know you're both on the same page for the future, though I think it can be unnecessarily burdensome for long periods and put you in this limbo of committment vs an out without divorce - and in long engagements a lot of people take that 'out' so I would have been hesitant to be so committed to someone without actually making that committment in front of my friends and family and God.
I think though for announcements for really long engagements since there's a disconnect between the wedding and engagement people are excited but with reservations, it's great to announce you really love someone but there's so many things that could happen in four years I think it elicits a different reaction than oh yay wedding next spring.
I don't think there is such a thing as being engaged for too long or too short. You guys just have to figure out what you want between the two of you, don't be too concerned with what convention says. My fiancee and I have been engaged for two years and aren't getting married for another three years because we are students. Sometimes I feel stupid that we consider ourselves engaged because the wedding day seems so far away. But why rush it, you know? We are having a great time in our relationship now, and while part of me wants to get married right now because it just seems so exciting, the other part of me knows its okay to be where we are-going to school and working our butts off to save up for the wedding. It will just make it that much better when it happens. Sounds like you guys just have to start having some really honest conversations with each other about your expectations. Nothing else matters as long you two are on the same page!
In my opinion if getting engaged and getting married changes your relationship. or if you are expecting it to then there is probably something wrong. Obviously, its all about making the ultimate commitment to someone, and yes it is a HUGE deal, but at the same time.... if you are not confident enough in your relationship before it all happens, then getting engaged and then married will not make anything better, Rushing into it yourself, or pressuring your BF into anything is just irresponsible in my opinion. On the flip side, waiting for financial reasons, or just because it is the way you both want things to go in your relationship then that is great. Listen to your heart, talk frankly with your man, and just be honest.
Statistically speaking, if you are engaged for longer than two years the likelihood of your marriage lasting goes up 200 percent! So there is a PROVEN positive about long engagements :) We are having a 2 year 2 month engagement and no one has forgotten about it, and we have time to enjoy being engaged without the pressure of all the planning, AND plenty of time to plan it. Plus... what is the rush? If you both want to get engaged, then get engaged! :)
By the time our wedding rolls around in July 2011 we would have been engaged for 3 1/2 years!! And I loved every moment of it!! We are young (23,24 by the time the wedding rolls around) and really enjoyed being able to soak up the engagement and taking the planning slowly. I always knew I wanted a long engagement so it was perfect!! Do whatever you want to do. It doesn't matter what others think because it's your life, not theirs. Cheers to you.
I never for myself like the idea of a long engagement. I never wanted to be engaged longer then a year. In my mind engagement means you're ready to get married, not that you're waiting to be ready to get married. Our wedding will be just under 10 months from our engagement date and that seems perfect to me.
If I were in your shoes I would probably decide to have a destination wedding or very small wedding. If it's the big party you want you could have a huge bash for your 5 year anniversary or something!
I don't think you are being silly to want to be engaged. After 2 years we knew we wanted to get married, but didn't get engaged until after 3 because of school (we'll get married next year once we've both graduated).
I understand both feeling like it's time to make an official commitment, and also wanting to wait for school. Keep in mind that many people get married before they graduate and just have a small affordable ceremony, but if you want to wait until you're completely done, that's fine too. It's up to you.
I personally think a 4-year engagement is long, BUT it sounds like you have good reasons. I think it's odd when long engagements are the result of the couple being unsure or procrastinating (because one party doesn't want to or has commitment issues).
What I would do in your situation is have a very small affordable wedding (or even just a courthouse wedding) and then plan on having a larger ceremony later. I know someone who had the same dilema-- they got married and didn't tell anyone and then later had the "wedding" ceremony!
Our engagement will be a little over 2 1/2 years by the time we get married. Honestly, I didn't want to wait that long (besides the added bonus of being able to save more for the wedding), but I found out I got into nursing school AFTER we got engaged, so we really wanted to wait until I graduated.
My FI and i just got engaged on the 19th of November, and we are having a long engagement (3-4 yrs). I am finishing up my degree and he wants to be almost done with nursing school, and long story short, that means 3-4 years of engagement before the wedding. It is mainly my parents that want us to complete our education and get jobs before we get married which I can understand, but then we have a bunch of people saying that finances will fall into place and if you keep putting it off then it will never happen (not quite sure I would go that far). But I digress...for us it is school/financial/family wishes reasons that leads to our long engagement. So no, I don't think that 4 years is too long if it works for you. And I know what you mean by wanting him to "claim you". It's comforting knowing that he is willing to take that next step despite how long that next step will last. I wish you the best!!
I don't think that is too long for an engagement :) I have been with my fiance for over 4 years.. he proposed Dec 2011 and we don't plan to get married until late 2014. So that will make it roughly 3 years away which works out great for both of us. We are both young (20 and 21). He works full time and I don't graduate until 2013. So I will be working full time for a year by the time we tie the knot lol. That way we can have my big italian wedding and we will be able to build my dream house !!! He is sooo good to me and I can't wait for what the future holds. I think you need to talk to him and see where he stands.. then you can take it from there xx
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