Post # 1
I have seen quite a few posts where ladies have been waiting 4,5,6+ years to be engaged to their SO. And it’s not like they have put marriage on the back burner or anything; These bees WANT to get married, and have expressed it numerous times to their SO, to where it just falls on deaf ears.
Or, there have been instances where their SO has promised a proposal/wedding date/engagement and a few years later nothing has happened. Perhaps you have been engaged for quite awhile and still no wedding date has been set.
At what point do you say, enough is enough? Obviously marriage is a HUGE deal, so why would spend time being with someone who is dragging their feet or is giving you excuses. Although you love that person, when do you realize they are not planning in commiting to you in that way?
Post # 3
I’m one of those people (6 years). He really wasn’t ready until the last 6-8 months. 3 months ago he promised within the next 6 months, but I don’t see any movement and I’m getting to the end of my rope for sure. We just signed another lease, so if there’s no date set by the time this one is up (by then we’ll be at 7 years) I’ll move out. It makes me really sad, and I’d like to think that I’d wait for him however long it took, but I don’t have it in me.
I come from a really dysfunctional family and I always felt like an outsider. Marriage/family is really important to me. He says he’s ready, but he’s not doing anything and I sense he’s not even being honest with himself about his readiness.
Post # 4
@KatM: HUGS! You are a strong lady 🙂
Post # 5
How long is too long varies greatly from person to person. There are so many variables including age, culture, and career goals.
Someone who is quickly approaching their childbearing years will have a very different “ideal” wait time if they are hoping to have children. In that situation, waiting a year to be engaged/married could potentially be a HUGE deal.
For someone who meets the man of their dreams at age 18 but aspires to be a doctor, waiting 10+ years may be very logical.
At this point, I’m 26 and very grateful to be with a wonderful man who shares my ideas about marriage and family. I would be absolutely torn if he didn’t want to committ.
Post # 6
@ChicChick: Very good points!
Post # 7
Personally, I can’t imagine waiting 4, 5, 6, 7+ years to be married. I think there’s a problem if it takes someone that long to know if they want to be married/be married to you. Also, I know I’ll probably get some flack for this, but I think career goals, money, etc. all boil down to excuses to delay. In our grandparents’ or even parents’ day, it would seem ridiculous to wait 5 years for someone to check items off their life to-do list before getting married. A giant ring and an expensive wedding wasn’t what was emphasized . . . the marriage was, and people who loved each other didn’t wait years and years to spend their lives together. They found a way to make it happen.
I realize there were likely some exceptions to what I’m saying, but in general, I don’t think the waiting was as commonplace as it is today. I think women need to hold higher standards for what they expect from a man. And more men need to actually be men.
Post # 8
We were together 5 years before we got engaged, and 7 before we got married. I was never really in a “waiting” stage. We were in college for two of the years together, and then we spent 3 years working and trying to get some money saved up. Coming to NYC straight out of college was a struggle, and we ate a lot of Ramen and grilled cheese. Wouldn’t change any of it.
Post # 9
Well, I have to respectfully disagree. I’ve been waiting probably about 5 years now, but there isn’t a problem with our relationship or my mister. We both know that we want to marry each other (and have known this since early in our relationship) and are ready. So what’s the hold up? Life.
We’re in an LDR so we had to negotiate who was going to move where. I admit I stuck my heels in the ground and refused to entertain the thought of moving for a while so we kind of stalled until I finally got to the point where I was okay with at least thinking about moving. This alone too YEARS (yeah…doesn’t make me look too good but it’s the truth). That wasn’t an easy thiing to deal with. We also dealt with the loss of both our fathers (a few years apart) and feeling the need to stay nearby to help our mothers. And now that we’re finally in the clear…we’re both looking for work.
All of these circumstances add up to not making a good foundation for marriage, let alone an engagement. And so we wait. Yes we could have made a way to be together but honestly, it wouldn’t have worked if we both weren’t on the same page.
So yeah, I’m obviously an exception but for him, I’d totally wait. He’s essentially waiting for me too.
Post # 10
I’m in no rush to get married but if he doesn’t know by 2 years then he’s probably not for me (marriage is very important to me and I want a family but wont start one until we’re married). Saying that, we both have aspirations and I don’t want a long engagement either sooo, I put up to 5 years. Stuff gets in the way sometimes, and we have other priorities like building a home together and furthering our careers (I’m still at university and my SO is looking for a new job, he’s no where to go at the company he’s currently with).
Post # 11
I think it depends on both of you.
I think many times people get caught up in the idea of playing house. The stressors get to you and him, and then throw a baby or two into the mix with bills, work and everyday life.
I think the first year of the relationship people are still trying to get to know one another. I would say if you haven’t had that talk by then.. Then you should.
If he is serious and wants to marry you someday then he should tell you that. If he isn’t at least thinking about it by year 2.. Then I would dig to find out what’s up.
Personally, if I didn’t get some type of confirmation by year 3,(ring or moving in together) I’d be moving on. If conditions are normal.. no long distance relationships etc.
I give kudo’s for the ones that have waited for so long (+4 years). I really don’t think I could have done it.
Post # 12
@tea: That’s why I think everyone’s “waiting situation” is very unique, and it’s nearly impossible to really generalize and say how long is too long to wait.
We are also in an LDR, and I’m pursuing an advanced degree. Right now I can’t move to where he is, and he’s already established where he is (owns a home, has a stable job, etc). He can’t just pick up and follow me wherever I may end up next year, and I couldn’t ask him to!
Post # 13
Every situation is different. I knew I wanted to be done with school for good before I got married because if I stopped, I’d never start again. We started talking about it about 2 weeks into dating lol but I knew it would be a while. I’m in my last semester of law school and he proposed this past New Year’s Eve. His sister has married and will have her second child by the time we get married and that really bothers me sometimes but at the same time, we weren’t ready until now and that’s okay!
Post # 14
We are older (40’s) so kids were not an issue (we have 5!) but I don’t think I would have been comfy waiting much longer, just since we live together and there really is no reason NOT to be married. We have lived together a year and he has been talking marriage since around that time though he mentioned very early on that he wanted to marry me. Like, the first week we dated. LOL
Post # 15
My Fiance proposed after 6 years, but I was prodding him at about 5 years. lol. If I didn’t say anything it would probably be another 4 years before he considered it. He takes a long time to make decisions on things. It doesn’t matter to me either way, I just wanted to be sure we were married before kids. We will be 24/25 when we get married next year so it makes sense that we have waited as long as we have. His reasons were not about committing, he wanted to be sure he could provide the life he wanted for us before moving on the next stage in our life.
I find it interesting when people say that will leave if their SO doesn’t propose within a certain amount of time. Getting married does not mean that your SO is going to stick around longer than if he doesn’t marry you (at least it shouldn’t). I have always told my SO that getting married is mearly a piece of paper to make the goverment and your parents happy. I treat the relationship that I am in now no different then I would if I was already married to him. I don’t know what the future holds for our relationship and having a legal piece of paper doesn’t change that, but at this point time I am commited to him and want to be with him and will continue to work on our future together as it is and he agrees with me.
Post # 16
I had an ex who, after four and half years, wasn’t sure if he even wanted to get married at all, despite years of telling me I was the one and talking about what our kids would be like, etc. It was immensely frustrating. He made my decision for me by leaving to teach in Japan for five years and breaking up with me soon after he left.
I didn’t have to wait very long with my current SO, now Fiance. 🙂