Post # 1
this is on behalf of a friend who doesnt have a wedding bee account.
basic run down: been together nearly 8 years, own a house together, moved up north together 4 yrs ago (packed up her life for him and his job up north) still no ring and no sign of it. She has made it clear she wants marriage and shes getting impatient, all of this he knows but nothing. she said she is nearly ready to wal and if it doesnt happen this year shes out. (im not sure she actually will leave though…) every time they come home people are on to him “when are you getting engaged, when are you proposing” so there is a bit of pressure on him and everyone knows and is waiting for it. She has made it very clear she wants a ring and soon. advice like “talk to him about it” isnt good advice as she has – maaaany times. he doesnt really give her a straigh answer and now she says she doesnt bother bringing it up anymore cos it hurts too much.
its also not about money as she has a ring they can use or buy another one – they are NOT struggling for money!
any advice? he knows how she feels (she gets upset sometimes) and it seems like hes deliberately not asking….? is he just being stubborn because everyone (including her) is at him all the time?
after 8 yrs and hes still ‘not ready’ will he ever be? i just want my friend to be happy.
Post # 3
@nearlymarriedlass: I really think she should leave, thats the best advice I can give. I say this because I know from experience. My man wouldn’t give me a straight answer after dating almost 4 years and living together for 3. It got so bad that he wouldn’t even discuss the future with me period. I had to do what was best for me and left him March 2012. We were apart for a week before he begged me to come back to him and promised me that he wanted to marry me and have kids with me. He made amends with my friends/family. He chose the ring about a month ago, and now I’m just playing the waiting game.
I think some men get extremely comfortable and don’t realise how important it is to take the next step until its too late. My SO and I also went to therapy for several months over the issue, that kind of brought everything to the surface and there was no way for him to hide from my questions. Losing me was the worst thing hes ever been through (according to him). He didn’t know how important I was and how much he loved me until he lost me.
If she leaves and he doesn’t beg her back, come to his senses and propose-hes not right for her anyways. If he realises hes been a dum dum and finally gets it together and proposes-then great! I just think life is too short to not get exactly what you want out of it. Your friend is a saint to be so darn patient. She needs to be tough and demand a straight answer. I really suggest if shes not ready to walk, maybe they sit and talk with a therapist, that way he cant dodge the truth.
Post # 4
Why doesn’t she just propose?
Post # 5
@kaylaann: thanks so much for your reply, that is so true. If he really sees what hes missing if she does leave then great it will be a big eye opener to see what he does!!!!! He knows how important it is to her, trust me. We all think he’s deliberately bein a prick about it now like deliberately not doing it to have some sort of control/power . He said to another friends boyfriend that it’s the “last thing he has control over” …. Weird comment??
Post # 6
@kaylaann: oh and I’m so happy for u and that it worked out with your guy , that’s fantastic!!! He musta just needed a kick up the a** 🙂
Post # 7
My Uncle was really dragging his heels about proposing so his girlfriend just decided to pop the question herself. He said yes! I think this really brought it home to him how serious she was about marriage. Maybe her asking him is the answer? After all, it’s 2013, who says the men get to do all the asking anymore?
Post # 8
The part taht bugs me the most about this story is that she doesn’t know WHY. what is his issue and baggage that is holding him back? If they are to have a solid future together this is not a good way to start a marriage. My FH knew within months of us dating that I was the one ( i took a lil longer to come around) we knew we wanted to eventually get married that was our plan. This guy has no plan, he needs to get one.
Post # 9
Post # 10
8 years and he cant even give her an answer for when? I would suggest she get her walking boots on and go NC. and if he comes crawling back it better be with a ring box in hand. No more of this waiting mess. 8 yrs is too long.
Post # 11
@gingernutjo: no she’s very traditional and thinks the guy should do it , and I can see her point cos I wouldn’t want to propose to my guy either I think it’s up to the man-very traditional old values but I think if I asked him that’s quite a lot of pressure ESP if he wasn’t ready to ask himself
thanks for the comments ladies, I agree. And she says she is going to after this year if he hasn’t proposed . I’m not sure she will thou to be honest… But hope fully she won’t need to and he does it soon!!!!
none of us – his friends/family or her friends/family understand why he’s digging his heels in, he comes from a home with 2 parents married 30+ yrs with a good marriage so it’s not that kinda thing. We think he honestly likes the fact it’s in his court and he’s got power. My friend is a strong woman and not necessarily wears the pants but is a strong female and holds her own. We think he’s just being a bit mean now.
He doesn’t tell her anything like “it’s coming soon don’t worry etc ” he just doesn’t respond so shes given up mentioning it or dropping any hints Etc.
We did say to her he might be waiting till our weddings (my friends in march and mine in April this year so they are over now) are over so they can have their own spotlight type thing, but who knows……8 yrs is ages. Anyway thanks so much for the advice ill be showing her!!! Xxx
Post # 12
I agree with the earlier post, it’s weird she doesn’t know “why”. Did someone close besides his parents have a terrible marriage? Does he not believe in marriage? Does he not want children so he’s holding off on marriage for as long as possible? Maybe they should try couple counseling before she walks?
Post # 13
@SagHarborBride: he literally won’t say. His parents are both happily married for 30+ yrs!! I’m not sure if they talk about kids but Im sure they must , they have also brought a house together so it’s not a “commitment” issue?? Im honestly not sure but feel bad for her
Post # 14
It will be 8 years for me when we get married and all i can say is that the right man is worth the wait! I think if you can consider walking away from someone because they won’t marry you then you weren’t really that in love with them to begin with. I would have stayed with my partner no matter what because our relationship is the most important thing in the world to me.
I also think that people assume that not wanting to get married automatically means a lack of commitment. I know that my Fiance was totally committed to me for life long before he proposed, he just doesn’t care about marriage at all. He eventually did it because i wanted to but it doesn’t change anything for him. Maybe your friends boyfriend feels the same way
Post # 15
@WillowTreeWade: I hate the ‘if you walk away you didn’t love him’ theory. No you walk away because you love yourself enough not to stay in a relationship where your needs are clearly not met and intentionally ignored/disrespected
In spite of several conversations after 8 years. I could turn that theory into ‘if he really loved her and knew marriage was important to her he would’ve proposed by now.
He doesn’t even have the decency to give her an answer after 8 years. He has admitted to someone this is a control issue. So he’s hurting her on purpose. Not cool.
Post # 16
@nearlymarriedlass: Well giving him an ultimatum and leaving is also quite a lot of pressure. But each to their own. I just think its a bit sad to read about a lot of people just waiting on the man to say they are worthy. Why adhere to traditional values if its making you unhappy?