Post # 1
My brother announced his engagement in December and I just got engaged on Valentine’s Day. I called to tell him the news today and to catch up as he’s being deployed to Afghanistan in March. He told me to make sure to schedule our wedding when we was back from deployment so he could attend which would be in October. Then he mentioned he might have his wedding shortly after he comes back although as far as I know there is no date yet.
So the question I pose to you hive is – how far apart should I schedule my wedding?
Here’s some additional history. In my immediate family, there are three siblings. I’m the youngest and the brother in question is the eldest and 10 years older than I am. I have another brother who had a secret marriage and divorce when he was 18, so these will be the first weddings for my poor parents who have been waiting forever for it – and now there are two! My brother has been going out with his fiance for 6 years and I’ve been with mine for a whopping 11 years!
I haven’t had the chance to discuss many details with my Fiance yet, but was thinking a wedding in September-November would be nice as it’s the best season in San Francisco, but with my brother’s wedding potentially scheduled for October, that sort of puts a damper on things and there’s no way I could force my family to attend one wedding right after another.
What do I do?
Post # 3
Does your family live in the same area as where your wedding will be held? If you’re having a destination wedding or if your family is coming from out of town, it may be wise to leave some distance between your wedding and your brother’s. If everyone lives in the same area, I don’t think 1 month is a big deal. I would ask your family what they think. Good luck, and congrats on your engagement!
Post # 4
Are you in contact with your brother’s FI? It might be easier to coordinate with her, if your brother is difficult to reach. I agree with blueshoes, I would leave more time if people are traveling, so you don’t break their budgets. Also, you should leave enough time so that if your brother and his Fiance go on a honeymoon, they’ll still have time to get home and settle in. I went with 2 months, but I think 3 would be better if possible. I think you need to find out for sure what he means by “soon after he gets home”, because that could mean October or November or even December. Depending on how flexible him and his Fiance are, they might even be ok with you having your wedding first if they’re planning for a winter wedding…
Post # 5
I second talking to his Fiance. She’ll likely do more of the planning, and since they’ve been together so long, surely you know her. They may not actually know when he’s coming back, and thus may not be able to set a date.
Is most of you family out of town? If they live locally, you could do it a month after no problem; if they’re traveling to come, it would be much easier for them if there were more time between weddings.
Post # 6
Have they set their date yet? Are you both planning on a large wedding? I would definitely say work with your Future Sister-In-Law and see what she was thinking for a date. At this point, if they haven’t set a date, you could set a date and then they would go from there. If your family is all local 2-4 weeks would be fine. If they are flying in from afar, probably 3 months. You could also do it as a family weekend afair where one of you got married on Friday and one on Sunday.
Post # 7
I think a month is fine. Deployments involve extenuating circumstances. They’re in a bind, you’re in a bind. Hopefully his Fiance is understanding. If not, this deployment will surely open her heart a little more. Likely, the fact that there is another wedding a month after her Fiance comes home from Iraq will be “small beans” compared to what she has on her own plate (just dealing with it in general) so hopefully she’s just cool! I’d go with November IF he has an October wedding. I think December would be ok, too. A little breezy but nothing so cold it’d be miserable. My SIL got engaged and married within 3 months to make it so her brother could make it to their wedding. It’s a scramble!
And….from my experience….the military has a tendency to draw out deployements. I know plenty of people who were SUPPOSED to leave in October but didn’t make it home until November for various reasons (flying home is a biotch for one). So likely his Fiance will want to give herself some buffer weeks just in case something gets postponed a la The Army. Basically, don’t take their word for it cuz they DO screw plenty of people over. So just because he says “oh i shoudl be home in October” doesn’t mean he will be.
By The Way does he only have a 7 month deployment??? Or is October his R&R. Cuz most people i kjow have 12-15 month deployments. I have NOT heard of anyone having only a 7 month one. That is so short in my opinion..i’d be VERY concerned the military would graciously extend it to 12 months as is common….
Eek. Sorry i’m not much help.
Post # 8
I know both your and your brother have been in serious relationships for a very long time and both recently got engaged. I would try to schedule one wedding for this fall (october or so) and the other wedding in the spring maybe. I would spread them out even more, but after waiting 6/11 years to get engaged, I can’t imagine you or him wanting to put off the marriage any longer.
Also, is his Fiance going to want to get married so soon after his return? What if his return gets delayed? What if she wants him to be a part of the wedding planning some? Maybe it would make more sense for you to get married in the fall because you can start planning now, and they get married in the spring so they can plan for a while after you. This is hard though because he did get engaged first so he does kind of have the right to pick his wedding date first.
Also think about showers/parties, etc. Even if your actual weddings are a month or so apart, there will only be so many weekends to have parties. Would you be ok with maybe joint showers?
Post # 9
I think at least two months apart is ideal, more is better. My brother is getting married in August and my FI’s mom in October… and even though we wanted a fall wedding we’ve decided on Feb to give us some clearance from the other weddings.
Post # 10
I would say a month apart would be fine. Like previos post have mentioned, if the majority of the same guests will be at both of the weddings just make sure they are not traveling for these wedding. If there is travel involved I would advise a little more time between the weddings, if not I’d say go for it. I know I go to plenty of wedding back to back weekends.
The other question I have to ask is are your parents contributing financially to both of your wedding. This was the case for my brother and I so my parents asked if we could space things out a little so they could help us both out. My only other concern would be your brother. How long will he be deployed when he comes home for his wedding? Make sure you have your wedding before he had to leave again because I’m sure you wouldn’t have a wedding without him.
Post # 11
Thanks for the opinions!
To answer some of the questions – My brother lives in Southern California now while I still live in San Francisco where my family is from originally. My parent have retired and moved a state over. We have some extended family in Northern California, Southern California and Nevada mostly but there are a few people that are spread across other parts of the country.
I do realize that I need to get in touch with my brother’s Fiance to get a more accurate picture of their plans but I just plain don’t like her – still I’m not going to be “that bride” that ruins my own brothers weddings with conflicting times because I don’t like her/am ignorant to her plans.
And as background, my brother isn’t in the military anymore – after finishing his back-to-back stint, he’s now a contractor so his schedule is determined by a private company, not the military.
Post # 12
I totally agree with ejs about the buffer weeks. My Fiance was supposed to be back in the beginning of February last year and it was almost March when he was finally back in the states…and definitely talk to your bro’s Fiance.
@ejs…I think the Army is the only branch that does the 12-15 months deployments. I pretty sure the Marines only have 7 month deployments. One of my sisters friends is in the Air Force and he was only in Iraq for 3 months.
Post # 13
I would say two months or more is better. My brother scheduled his wedding a month before mine, and a lot of our relatives (since they’re all out of state) opted to not go to either one rather than choose. Your relatives seem like at least they’re a little bit closer than mine, so you may not have that issue, but for me it really feels like they’re too close.
By the way, I think it’s great that you’re taking the time to compromise and work out the situation so that both sides are happy. It’s very considerate.