How long til he knows?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him.  Most of the time, just “waiting” for him to propose and trying to figure out whether he’s ready (or should be ready) is not the way to go.

Post # 3
Member
1990 posts
Buzzing bee

This is definitely something only he can answer.

FWIW, I don’t think it’s okay if he said it out of anger and didn’t mean it – that is so hurtful. If he did mean it, then you can talk about his true feelings and if he thinks marriage is right for him, and for your relationship. If he didn’t, then that’s not the way a lifelong, loving partner should behave, no matter the anger level.

Post # 6
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

Ashelizax:  Hey. I have might have some insight because while my FI was sure from our first date (seriously, he told me on our first date that he thought I was the one), it took me a LOT longer. He wanted to get married right away, and I wasn’t ready until basically this year- we’ve been together for 6 years now and are engaged. 

I grew up with parents who fought (like really fought, screaming all the time) and with no good role models who were happily married. I always told myself I would never ever get married because I was so afraid of this happening to me. 

Also, when we met I had just turned 21, I live in NYC and people here get married much later, so I was in no way even thinking about marriage anyway. I knew I wanted to be with my FI, I just didn’t know if I wanted to be married period! 

I think age is a big factor as well as family background. If your guy is unsure at 2 years, and is young (let’s say under 26) then that’s one thing, if he’s older and STILL doesn’t even know if he ever wants to get married to anyone- that seems a bit more of a red flag. 

What was his family like growing up? Was he a child of a nasty divorce?

Post # 7
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee

Ashelizax:  I definitely agree that you need to sit down and talk with him. Even though it may be a touchy subject and that could be uncomfortable for you, I think the alternative (not talking to him and forever wondering) would be worse. 

It’s true that guys sometimes take longer to ‘know’ than girls do, but it is totally variable depending on the guy, your ages, living situation, finances, where his friends are with their lives, everything. 

Post # 8
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Ashelizax:  “Some women say their men knew “right away” that they wanted to marry her. For others (who are more realistic), it takes a bit of time”

When a woman says her man knew right away that he wanted to marry her, that does not mean she is being unrealistic!

My FI told me that he knew he wanted to marry me before we even had our first date (we worked together so we got to know each other well) and I knew from the very first date that he would be my life partner. We are not living in a fairy-tale world nor are we naive… we are honest and both knew exactly what we wanted/didn’t want, and knew that we found it in each other.

I’m sorry if you feel you have to down-play our relationship to make yours feel more legitimate.

Post # 9
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My husband and I both knew the night we met, and got married 11 months later.  I’m not the type to wait around for someone to figure out if they love me.

Post # 10
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Ashelizax:  But for what its worth, I think once you hit the two year mark you (general you) need to make a definite decision and have the conversation. That doesn’t mean that you have to get married or engaged right away, but just make sure that you are both on the same exact page about wanting marriage/kids within ___ time frame, and if you’re not on the same page, then its time to stop wasting each others time.

You just need to sit down and have a talk with him and see if he is serious about marriage with you or if it was all just talk to keep you happy.

Post # 12
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

Ashelizax:  Well if I had to guess- that might be it. The last time he had a great relationship, they got engaged and then she cheated on him. 

Post # 15
Member
279 posts
Helper bee

I agree with @leonardLady. 

 

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