How long to wait before saying goodbye

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3896 posts
Honey bee

I think you need to have a proper talk about timescales. It can’t be that he is just waiting for you to get a full time job can it? What was your job situaiton when he proposed to you?

 

I would be concerned that he was getting cold feet but didn’t have the balls to end it, and is using job / debt as an excuse. May job / debt is valid enough reason to keep postponing but I find it a bit odd. You could at least set a date for a couple of years away.

 

I am sorry I can’t give you any better advice. I am sure you are doing your best to get a FT job and pay off your debts. x

Post # 3
Member
1107 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

dezi180:  I can’t say that I blame him. I wouldn’t feel comfortable marrying someone with a ton of debt either. I’ve been there once and it’s not cool and there can be a bit of resentment. With my ex, I felt he was always paying off debts with his ex wife and so we couldn’t go out and do things we’d enjoy. I was mad at him because they had made bad choices and I felt like I was paying for it. I think it’s fair for him to ask that you be in a better financial situation before committing to marriage.

Post # 4
Member
3896 posts
Honey bee

Yes, but surely, why would he have proposed to her? I can understand the situation delaying a proposal but it seems mean to get engaged then postpone it because of the sitution. Unless the debt came after the engagement?

Post # 5
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

Has he offered to help you? Are the debts huge? Do you live at home still?

I feel like he should be making plans with you to make things happen. If he’s concerned about the debt then a plan to get it fixed. he’s asked you to be his partner and in a partnership you work things out together. When I met my husband I had credit card debt. We knew we wanted to be together and move forward so we worked out a way to pay it off quickly, no interest accumulated and we were able to start saving together. He doesn’t get to just pick when you’ll set a date, it’s a decision you make together. Tell him your intentions (if you want to marry him, which I’m not convinced you do) and the time frame you need. But don’t just let him make all the important decisions, they effect you too. 

Post # 6
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

In regards to your credit cards, have you tried to consolidate them? Transfer to another credit card provider with an interest free period? The last thing you want to do is pay interest. It will take forever to pay off. 

Post # 7
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee

Personally, I think you two need to get your finances under control before you start planning a wedding. It sounds like this may be what he’s thinking as well.

There’s no point in setting a date until you know it can happen. From the sounds of it, you set the date for April of this year, but you were still in debt. He doesn’t want to set a date for this to happen again.

Post # 8
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think he’s just trying to be responsible. Granted you guys have been together for quite some time, but there is nothin wrong with him not wanting to take on your debt in marriage. Perhaps you guys could sit down and consider a different time frame? Tell him while you don’t want him to worry about your debt, you feel like a few years is an unreasonable time frame.

Post # 9
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You need to stop and think. Getting married doesn’t make everything magically go away and the problems you have now are the same problems you will have after the wedding. Why place so much value on the getting married part (the big party/the expenses)? If you cannot afford to make your wedding work right now, don’t try…just save up for it later. Don’t put so much stress on yourself and your FI that you consider fracturing something that shouldn’t be breaking in the first place. 

 

Or you two just go to the courthouse and get married..if the being married part is so important to you.

Post # 10
Member
7075 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

How much debt are we talking? Is it school loans or something similar? Or just credit card debt from overspending?

I’ll be honest, I would want to see a serious dent in the debt or at least a light at the end of the tunnel. I can understand why he wouldn’t want to spend a bunch of money on a wedding when you’re already in debt and currently have no way of paying it off.

Post # 11
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee

dezi180:  Without knowing how much ur debt is and how serioes the matter is… i agree with him.

why would you want to throw an expensive (and even the most budget brides spend a few thousand) wedding with debt that could be paid off? Are you still looking for a full time job? 

I do also agree with other PP that have mentioned he should be helping you to work towards a plan. Setting a budget WITH you and saving together. But i probably wouldnt set a date until we had more security

Post # 12
Member
8702 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t think debt is enough to stop someone from proposing. I absolutely understand how it can stop someone from actually getting married, though. The absolute second he says “I do”, your debt becomes his debt. Do you want a big white wedding? How much are you thinking? This will add to your (and his) debt. A cost-friendly alternative would be to get married at the courthouse, pay off the debt and then have the wedding if this is important to you.<br /><br />Debt is scary and money is one of the most reasons for divorce. Debt can kill relationships and cause people to sink really fast. <br /><br />Could this have to do with him not being sure how you handle money? What was the credit card debt for? I can forgive emergencies, or morgages, student loads, medical bills, stuff like that. But if you went out and bought cars on a whim, tons of clothes or vacations, things that aren’t necessary to function, then I get less forgiving. It also depends on how much debt we’re talking here. “Small” debts to me aren’t a big deal, but I wouldn’t want to marry someone with a large amount of debt purely because if my husband were to default, that falls on me.

Post # 13
Member
415 posts
Helper bee

Would you sign a pre-nup so you could marry quicker? 

Post # 14
Member
415 posts
Helper bee

Would you sign a pre-nup so you could marry quicker? I have good chunk of money and assets. DH had neither plus debt. We signed a pre-nup so if we were to divorce, I do not assume any of his debts, among other things.

Post # 15
Member
1209 posts
Bumble bee

My SO told me last year that he couldn’t see us moving forward while I have debt. My first reaction was: you’re out of  you’re mind if you think i’m waiting 4-5 years (that’s the plan I was on) and didn’t really understand his midnset when it comes to debt.

He’s never been in debt and never plans to. He lives his financial life in a way that his family (future wife and kids) wont ever have to stress about money. He grew up hearing fights about money, his ex wife love to not work and collect EI and it’s not something he wants to be an issue, especially at the beginning.

I reworked my budget and told him Spring 2015 I can be debt free, but I wont have anything for a down payment. He told me if I was debt free tomorrow he’d put up a down payment and we’d have a house, that the down payment wasn’t an issue. If we bought a house now, with my debt I know that he could make the mortgage payment, but I wouldn’t be able to help much so in his mind: why not wait, so that he can keep saving for our future rather than move in now and be tight for money while I pay off my debt.  It isn’t fair to him to basically take on my debt by sacrificing his savings plan.

So I see where you FI is coming from although I’d have written this same post when we first had the conversation!

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors