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I'm not sure how I started thinking about this, but I started looking into prenatal testing just out of curiosity. It seems that testing for major genetic disorders (Down's, Trisomy 13 & 18) takes place between 11 and 14 weeks, but if the tests determine the fetus is at high risk for these problems, you need an amnio to determine for sure, and that usually takes place during the 18th week.
I am not at all inviting a debate over genetic testing, abortion, or any of that. These are VERY personal choices motivated by culture, religion, and other deep-seated beliefs. However, I know FI and I we would consider ending a pregnancy if there were very serious medical problems. In that case (which I hope we never have to deal with!), we certainly wouldn't want to explain our very personal, painful and controversial choice to all our friends and family. Therefore, I'm pretty sure we won't let anyone in on the pregnancy until we are well into the second trimester and have a pretty good idea that the baby is healthy and viable.
So when did you, or are you planning on, telling people? I know a lot of people spread the word as soon as they find out, while others wait to hear the heartbeat. Has anyone waited until they had prenatal testing?
I think when we get pregnant eventually, we will wait to have the testing done before we tell people. There are many hardcore anti-abortion people in both of our families, and I'd rather not deal with judgment at such a sensitive time.
I'd wait until the first trimester is up and testing complete.
My sister was so excited about being pregnant this past summer that she told everyone at two months. She ended up losing the baby and it was awful. You could just see the pain in her face everytime someone asked about her pregnancy. Luckily, she was able to get pregnant again in August and she waited a little over 3 months, and after she heard the heartbeat, before she told anyone.
Most people I know wait 12 weeks, until they've completed most of the tests, have had an ultrasound, and have passed the main danger point for miscarriage. It seems very normal here (in Australia) and in fact if you find out earlier than that it came seem a bit strange. But I know it's not the case everywhere - a Brazilian friend of mine had never heard of waiting at all!
I think some couples who terminate pregnancies due to genetic problems tell people that they had a miscarriage. I honestly think that by the 18th week your close friends and family will be aware of your pregnancy, and some explanation might be needed.
A friend of mine told everyone (Facebook announcement) the same day she got the news herself from the doctor. I understand she's excited, but personally, I would probably wait because it would be too heartbreaking to have to tell everyone if something were to happen. I would also wait for testing as well most likely. My mom would probably know soon after my husband, but I would wait for the rest.
professorbee: I agree, it would be hard to wait until you were 4 1/2 months along to tell people, and a lot of women would be showing! But there are a lot of anti-abortion people in my family, including my mom, and if we found out at around the 12-week mark that we were at risk for a genetic problem and would need an amnio, we would probably try to wait to tell people. I'm not sure I'd be very convincing when telling my mom I had a miscarriage, as she would ask lots of questions.
My preference would have been to wait until the 12 week mark. That is usually what most people do because you are not quite showing yet but your odds of a miscarriage drop tremendously. Unfortunately, we weren't able to wait as long because we had a scare around the 7 week mark so it was difficult to leave work early without having a good explanation for my boss. At that point, the only people who knew were my boss and my family.
I agree with professorbee. Since everyone's body is different you may show very early on, like myself so holding off until 4 + months will be difficult to hide unless of course you hibernate for the next 4 months. I can tell you though that the tests they have out now you will be able to find out your odds for birth defects fairly early on.
My POV is this though, you shouldn't worry about what others say and let them dictate your life. What happens is between you and your husband / SO. If some reason what you had described comes to life you two will be able to know how to handle it. Noone needs to know your business.
Good luck!
I will wait until I'm past my first trimester. I don't want ANYONE knowing until then (except DH of course). But, I would probably tell people I had a miscarriage if i started showing early or whatever. I've been told you can hide it until about 5 months. But with the way I dress and the fact I often have a beer or wine at dinner, people WILL start to know something's up.
And yes, I would terminate a pregnancy in situations of medical problems. Not fueling any fires, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone, Daniellemybelle. I think a lot of people don't admit this, though. And I would have no problem telling my family that because my parents are incredibly pro-choice and would feel like it was the right decision (even my mom who used to work with mentally challenged kids) and they would be incredibly supportive. I just know them. I think DH's mom would be, too, but I wouldn't really want that spreading out across his family. I don't know how all of them think and he does have a handicapped cousin, as do I.
That sort of decision is between you and your husband. YOU two have to raise that child. Not anyone else. They can judge all they want, but they do NOT have to live with that decision. And they should walk a mile in your shoes. It's not an easy decision. My little cousin is the sweetest girl ever, but I know the pain she causes her mom and the difficult life she has ahead of her. I have known people who've had them (and I lack that 'moral compass' that would prevent me from having one under certain circumstances) and this probably sways my opinion. I know that makes me sound bad and selfish, though.
I am with ejs on every aspect of her post. IF hubs and I do have children (we're still up in the air about it) it won't be at least until I'm 30, and while birth defects don't run in the family, I wouldn't want anyone to know until I was sure because if there were I would terminate. My second cousin drowned in a pool at age 3 and the neighbor saved his life - now he is 13 and a complete vegetable with no quality of life. He's a prisoner in his own body and I feel so bad for him. My cousin feels horrible but wishes that the neighbor wouldn't have saved him, because he is constantly in and out of the hospital and isn't expected to live very much longer. While this was not a birth defect, some are similar and I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world to have to deal with something like that. I too am a drinker so it might be hard to hide but I have no problem making excuses to my friends until I knew for sure.
Hmmm. I told my mom at like 6 weeks - cause she's my best friend :) (Besides hubby) Told my boss and best girl friend shortly after that. I was so sick I had to tell my boss cause it was effecting work for sure. Told my bro at about 8 weeks cause we were visiting him for Christmas. (Saw the doc and heard heartbeat at 9 wks) And we let the cat out of the bag to everyone at about 12 weeks.
I thought I'd be able to wait until I was like 4 mos to tell anyone - but so not the case :) And the closer you get to 12 weeks the harder it is to keep the seceret!
I have managed to keep it off facebook! And I'm starting week 17 now! We'll see how long I can keep that up!
I opted to not get the genetic testing for various reasons.
Hmm... at first when I read your post I thought... well I would definitely tell my parents immediately and then wait until past the first trimester for the rest (not sure if I'd terminate regardless... but I'd be worried about miscarriage).
But then I was thinking that it might be REALLY hard to not tell my best friends what was going on! In my family we all pretty much put it out there immediately when someone is pregnant. We've had some miscarriages, some scares, and one cousin who did choose to terminate (for personal not medical) reasons. I think the thing about my family is that as soon as something happens everyone knows, so if I was pregnant and lost it no one would ask me how it was going or anything.
I'll probably only tell DH until we get closer to the 12 week mark. As much as I would love to tell my family and DH's family, I wouldn't be able to trust them to keep it a secret. Granted, I can't be mad that they would be that excited, but I am an extremely private person and if something were to happen (lose the baby) I wouldn't be able to deal with all the sympathy/pitty/questions. I just couldn't do it.
right away - both parents - warned not to tell! 2 close friends who just had a baby or were pregnant, who could "help me out" (neither live in my city)
8 week apptmt (saw the heartbeat, risk goes way down) -- told siblings and a few others
genetic testing Fri - will tell most friends after
today I'm 12 weeks and still haven't opened the flood gates, and I'm hoping to wait at least 4 more weeks if my tummy can hide to tell work!
I know the 'phased approach' is risky, but we haven't had any blabber mouths..you just have to make sure you tell them at the END of the conversation (they might be too excited right after the news) not to tell anyone, including FB
I just want to chime in on my thoughts about terminating a pregnancy because of genetic disorders. For awhile, I hadn't really thought much about what we would do IF it were to occur (probably because nobody close to me in my life has had to care for someone like that), but then I was reading a message board and someone was talking about how they have to care for their child whi will never get beyond the mental capabilities of a three year old, and it really got me thinking. It REALLY bothered me that I had no idea what I would do. I'm not a fan of abortion. I believe everyone should have the right to choose, but personally, I don't like the thought of it for myself unless maybe it came up that myself and baby would likely die if I carried out a pregnancy. Even if I were raped, I don't think I could terminate. But then the thought of having a special needs child was so overwhelming. I don't know if those kids really have a great quality of life. I don't know if I could be 60 changing my 30 year old child's diapers. And then what happens to the child when my husband and I pass on, if they were to outlive us? I wouldn't be able to put a child like that up for adoption because people generally don't want babies with downs, for example. Plus, if I had other children and they asked me why I elected to keep them but give the other baby up for adoption, I'd lose it (emotionally). I asked my husband what he thought of this, and he said he would be inclined to terminate the pregnancy, and I think I agree. Of course I could never know for sure unless I was in the situation, and I pray I never have to be. It's such a scary thought, but it's one I felt like I needed to think deeply about before I could be ready to have a baby (in 2ish years hopefully). It's a tough, tough decision and I would never ever judge someone for what they decide. However, I do know that the majority of my Catholic family (not my mom) would judge me very harshly if I were to do something like that. I know it's not their business or their decision, but it's possible they would stop talking to me if it were to happen so I would definitely try to keep it a secret. Luckily I wouldn't have to worry too much about hiding my belly since they're in another state and I don't see them probably more than 2 or 3 times a year anyway.
@JoesWifey, my cousin has sat me down a year or so ago (she's 35) and cried about her daughter (who's now 13 I think?) and sobbed about how she doesn't know who'll take care of her if she dies or what'll happen when she gets too old to take care of her, how her daughter will be with her for the rest of her life, how, even if her older sister (17 years old) gets married, is it right for her handicapped sister to live with her forever, how they'll be able to afford proper care for her, and what happens when daughter turns 18 and is no longer provided appropriate special needs education?
That talk with my cousin broke my heart. She loves her daughter so much (and she is so so sweet it's almost scary. Someone could easily take advantage of her) but it's so hard on her mom. The girl is going through puberty and has the mental capacity of a 2 year old. It's a hard combo. She was deprived of oxygen at birth so it was completely unforseen by the way.
And i know, personally, my parents have commented that they are grateful that my brother died in his car accident instead of being left brain dead or mentally handicapped (head on collision, so it wasn't a far stretch). It's a truly horrific thing to admit as a parent, but it made me go through an entire evaluation of how I personally feel about life and death and these sort of things.
I don't think I'd feel the same way that I do now had I not had these personal experiences. My heart breaks for anyone who has to make this type of decision.
And i like to THINK i'd be able to keep mum with my mom, dad, and DH's mom, but I really don't think I could. Especially if i was sick at all. My mom has antennae about stuff being 'off' and I think she'd pester me until I admitted it =]
We didn't tell anyone for a long time. We had a marker for a serious genetic disease and wanted to make sure we knew what the plan was before telling anyone anything. (It was a scary wait).
We had previously decided that there would be no question that if the baby was Down Syndrome, we'd have the baby. We have very close friends with a Downs child, and she is pure joy! I've worked with enough Downs kids to know that it wouldn't be an issue for us. However, I've also spent time in the PICU caring for kids with other trisomies. I have to say that the quality of life for these children was not good. They are frequently intubated and sedated until they pass away soon after birth. We knew if there was a diagnosis like that, we'd have to think long and hard about what we were going to do.
I think we told a very few people after our initial CVS results (probably around 14 weeks), and didn't tell families until 18 weeks (since the word would get out really quickly after that!)
I didn't show at all until at least 23-24 weeks, so it was no problem keeping it quiet, and I'm still bumping into friends who didn't know until they saw me!
I do, however, understand the perspective of telling right away, because I know it would be really hard to cope without a support system if there was a miscarriage. For us, it was worth the risk of going through that alone.
We only told our parents and my BF but waited until 12 weeks to tell everyone else. It was difficult to keep it a secret but I am very glad we did it this way.
Thank you, everyone, for what you've shared. I am aligned with EJS on this but I know many people find that very offensive, including my own mother. She always told me, "I've loved you since you were a dot," meaning since she first conceived me.
So as hard as it will be, I will probably not tell a single person but FI until after genetic testing. If we do have a miscarriage rather than a planned termination, I would probably confide in my mom at that point, but she wouldn't be supportive of ending the pregnancy voluntarily.
We told family, our best friends, and my boss between 5 and 7 weeks. My boss actually guessed because I was so sick, so there was no keeping that secret from her! We started telling everyone else around 12 weeks (other friends, co-workers, etc...). We didn't do any genetic testing; our motivation for waiting until 12 weeks was just that I wasn't sure how to bring it up in conversation. At the end of the first trimester, though, a co-worker found out and pretty much took care of the rest of the office. Otherwise, we could've waited until I was showing to let other people know.
Of course my FI would know... and my mom. She is my boss too so that takes care of the work stuff. I wouldn't tell anyone else until about 12 weeks just to make sure.
I think it is hard to determine what I would do in a certain situation until I'm in. FI and I have had this discussion before, and we are on the same regarding terminating a pregnancy with serious medical problems. That being said, I am not sure how I would feel if I was in that situation.
I want to wait until genetic testing is done before announcing our pregnancy. We are planning on TTC a year or so after the wedding. I am very petite, about 5'0, 100 pounds, so I am afraid I will start showing sooner, but I will hold off as long as I can. My cousin announced her pregnancy via facebook the day she found out, and unfortunatly miscarried 2 weeks later.
Great post though!
We told everyone as soon as the stick turned pink! My feeling on this stem from two things:
1. My SIL had just announced her pregnancy, then lost the baby before week 10. My mother had told her to wait to tell everyone until after the first trimester, and was mad that now she had to tell everyone she lost the baby. To which I told my mom that if anything, she needed all the support she could get during a VERY difficult time, and not telling everyone about the baby wouldn't make it hurt any less if she lost the baby. God forbid people should actually CARE about her.
2. My cousin lost her baby after five months. We were told she miscarried. Whether or not she did or she chose to terminate, should we feel any less sympathy for her? Does that make the decision easier? Does that make the pain and the hurt less? No. She still lost her very precious child, and we are still here to support her.
So we told everyone immediately, because if we did miscarry we would need the support anyway.
As a note, you could tell people that you went to a visit at 20 weeks and there was no heartbeat. They would then have to do a D&C. If you choose to terminate and are afraid of what your family will say, this is a good alibi. I'm not advocating either termination or lying, but I understand that some people are judgemental and you wouldn't want to deal with judgement during that time.
You can get a CVS and amnio done at week 8 too. You don't have to wait so late in the pregnancy for genetic testing. A friend of mine found out she was having a girl when she did an early CVS.
I would probably tell my parents and his parents right away, but ask them to keep quiet about it until the testing was over, once it was, then I would spread the word. I know I had a boss who told everyone she was pregnant as soon as she found out, and then had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. I don't think I could go through what she had to, and tell everyone about that.
I know that my cousin has said she feels hurt when people avoid the subject. Like her baby didn't matter at all. She wants people to ask how she's doing. I think maybe it's assumed that it's hard to tell everyone about it, but it's REALLY hard not being able to share why you're so sad. Everyone just calls you moody or a bitch, and they don't get it.
With what I said above, I am completely fine with everyone knowing that I am preggie. I am just not sure there is ever a "good" time to spread the word because anything can happen at anytime.
My boss's first child passed at birth on week 38 because it was strangled by the umbilical cord. Unfortunately, this was another one of those things that couldn't be prevented but it happened. With their 2nd child and now their 3rd baby they waited until they got the clean bill of health at 12 weeks before notifying anyone. So should they have waited until the baby is born to tell people? Impossible.
I believe that if something is going to happen, it will happen no matter when you spread the word. Again, I stress that these decisions are only yours and your hubs to make. I am sure you two will be able to handle the sitution accordingly because at that time you two will need to look out for and support each other during that time. I just pray that you are not put in that predicament in the first place.
My husband would know as soon as I did. I would want him there as a support system if something happened.
Since I work with my parents, I would probably tell them at like the 2 or 3 month mark. His parents and the rest of our friends could wait until 4 months or so.
I also would have some backlash from his side of the family if we decided to terminate for some reason. I would not put myself through that scrutiny. I would hope that he'd understand, and since we rarely see his side of the family I don't think it would be a big deal.
We told our families at week 13... and I told work during week 17. The news trickled out to others slowly from then on. Ours was a sensitivity issue to our parents who had dealt with loss before. My MIL was not excited about the pregnancy until I hit Week 22 -- which was the latest she had lost a baby before. It wasn't hard at all to "not tell" others as I really didn't show outside of bloating.
MS- we got our CVS at 13 weeks and knew the sex the day after. CVS was awful, but finding out the sex was awesome! It really helped me with bonding, which was definitely a struggle at first :)
I hope you are feeling well, Lemon!
I'm jealous for all of you ladies who have the option not to tell people at work. I don't get that option unfortunately, I'm required to tell as soon as I know.
I'm not pregnant yet, so I don't know for sure what we will do yet. But I'm thinking that FI will know when or soon after I do.
And I'm sure our parents and siblings will know pretty early on as well. And other close family and friends will too. And I didnt' think about work...but you guys brought up a good point...I'd probably tell my boss pretty soon because of all the doctors appointments.
when we got the yes from the doctor we went to the store and bought two sets of cute baby shoes and wrapped them in cute paper and gave one to my mother and one his parents... i was really emotional to see their faces when they open it and realize they were going to be grandparents...
I would just like to share an interesting point I read once. Mrs DG or others might be able to shed further light as I haven't done any further research. The article said that of fetuses who were identified during pregnancy as having severe defects, and the parents chose to carry to term, only 30% of those babies were actually born with any defects at all.
I don't know what I'd do in such a situation, DH and I have discussed it a few times (mostly after watching movies featuring people with a disability) but I'm not sure what we would do if it became reality. That statistic stays with me though.
@mountain.bride: From what I've read, more recent testing has become much more accurate, about 95%. You can be basically 100% sure of chromosomal disorders like Down's and the other Trisomys through amniocentesis.
seriously? people would terminate a pregnancy if they found out the fetus had down syndrome? that just seems sad to me. I'm usually for abortion if someone is raped or something, but abortion to kill a baby because it has down syndrome and you don't want to deal with that seems wrong to me. But that's just me. Many people with d.s. can still live good lives, it just takes more work.
I am not sure when I would tell people. My instinct would be to tell everyone right away cause hopefully I'd be excited and happy about the news. But, I'd want to discuss it with FI first.
As for the rest, well, I'd terminate if I found out the fetus had a genetic problem. Not only have I had to struggle with Autism my whole life, but I have two cousins who were born different, one with Downs and the other just mentally handicapped. The way I see it is that if I've had the problems I have with having a form of high-functioning autism, how much worse would life be for my child if they had downs or something worse? With the problems in my family, I plan to get the CVS(?) testing if and when I get pregnant. I know my FI, my family, and his family would support whatever decision FI and I ultimately make. As someone said above, we'd have to raise the child, no one else, and thus we're the only ones capable of making the decision to keep it or not.
I realize this is a very individual decision and I am in no way advocating for others to make my choices (either themselves or for me). I sometimes think that no matter how much we prepare for things, life has a way of changing our minds or throwing us something unexpected and unforeseen.
All seriousness aside, I was joking with FI last night that since I am nauseous all the time not pregnant (stomach issues galore), it'd be a nice change to have a calm stomach if I do get preggers. Heh. I suspect it'll mean I'll go from feeling sick once a day to feeling sick 24/7. Blah. ;p
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