- 5 years ago
Hello all, this will be my first post here, but I know you all have much experience that hopefully you can share with me. Here is my situation that I hope some of you can share your advice:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now, and have been living with each other for almost 2 years now. I am 26 and he is 28 this summer 2013, both with adequate jobs and financially responsible. From the beginning (July 2010), we had a really strong connection (in my mind) and I always thought we were different than most couples because of this initial chemistry/connection. We are each other’s best friend. A little after a year of dating (December 2011), I expressed my hopes that this relationship would lead to an engagement in the near future. He expressed this is what he wanted, but he wasn’t quite ready, stating he needed a better job first. Well, he got a better job (Summer 2012). I brought the topic of engagement up again, and he this time flat out said he just was not ready for the commitment. Fine. So I asked him for a timeline. He feels that he wants to be 28 yo before making the decision to commit. I expressed that this is not what my timeline looks like (at this point, we were together for 2 yrs), and that I would like to see myself engaged to him before that time. He compromised and said he would propose by the end of 2012. We both agreed to this timeline. When the end of 2012 was approaching (November), I would subtly ask about his progress, and he would tell me he’s gotten the ring and it was on its way. Every time, it would be, “the jeweler said he needs more time” or “it’s on its way”. Christmas passed, and nothing. So about a week before year’s end, I noticed something was wrong with him, so I asked why he looked so down, not himself. He finally spilled the beans – there is no ring, I can’t propose to you right now. Wow, ok, when did you plan on telling me? Like any sane person, I left him. Any sane person would, right? How can you mislead and deceive someone for months, especially someone you claim you care about and love? How can you lie over and over about your hopes and wishes of this relationship? He really made me believe that a proposal was imminent. I thought about it for a couple of days, and I realized that I did care about him so much and maybe it was partly my fault for bringing up the topic too often. In retrospect, I did nudge/push him. So I gave him another chance. I told him, I care about you a lot, and I really do see a future with you, but I can’t be with someone who is not on the same page about engagement/marriage as I am – it just is not fair for either of us. So, he gave HIS own timeline (here we go again….) of end of March/early April 2013. Well as you can see by me being here, writing this, the new timeline has passed and there is no happy news. Same thing happened again as last time – evasiveness and avoidance of questions. I knew in the back of my mind this was going to happen again. He lied all about having the ring again, lied about how he has plans (“just wait and see what I have planned”) – deceptive. On the morning of the day he made me believe he would propose, I asked him what his plans were that day. His response – “I have something planned, you’ll just have to wait and see later”. I could tell something was wrong, so I asked. He had the same look on his face as the last time he pulled this stunt. “I think we make good friends; I can’t marry you” BOOM, KAPOW!! – I could hear that bomb falling from 10000 miles away. In my gut, I had a feeling this was goign to happen. But I didn’t want to believe it. So here I am, preparing to go to medical school, moving on with my life, but yet I still can’t get over this. Do I be completely useless and give him ANOTHER chance? Do I continue living with him until our lease is up? I may be going to another state thousands of miles away for medical school, and this is why I wanted some formal commitment from him before that time. Otherwise, what was the point of this 3 year relationship? Just a placeholder until we both pursued advancing our careers and meeting someone new? Now he claims that he just is not ready to “take the leap” (how is it a leap at this point?). He is now backtracking and saying he still wants to be with me, he loves me, he cares about me, blah blah blah, but is just not ready for marriage. He also says he didn’t mean that we were just friends, “we are more than just friends”. Yeah, we’re more than just friends, we’re friends……with benefits.
I know what the obvious thing to do is, but when your heart is involved, your brain seems to have a perpetual brain fart.