Weddingbee boards

I want to preface this by saying I have a wonderful relationship with my future parents-in-law.  We might have very different taste at times but they are wonderful people and I'm lucky that I will soon be related to them.  That said, I don't know where we should draw the line. 

The first headbutting was over the guest list, most of you have had this same arguement.  My FMIL wanted to invite people that have never been on our radar.  (Take for example, the ex-mayor, who is not even a family friend, or a neighbor that used to babysit my fiance 20 years ago and he hasn't seen since - nor, I think, has his mother.  Seriously?  I'm sorry, but no.  They will not be getting an invitation.)  So that was an easy line to draw.  (Easy decision, not easy to actually convince her.) 

Then she started buying meat from Sam's club as it went on sale (we're more or less catering the dinner ourselves).  That's very sweet of her except that we don't agree with Walmart's business practices and avoid shopping there.  Additionally, if our wedding has a theme it's "local."  Sam's doesn't even come close.  So we compromised.  They're hosting the reception and so they can do it however they want.  Beef from Brazil or mass produced in a feedlot?  Fine, you host it, you call the shots but the meat for the reception will be grass-fed and local. 

Most recently one of their friends RSVPed.  We enjoy hanging out with this couple and they have hosted many a Bronco party that we've attended.  I was happy to see that they were coming until I read the names.  Because the husband can't come his wife is bringing her son, her ex-brother-in-law and (who I assume to be) his wife because they happen to live nearby my hometown where the wedding will be.  ?!?  So my fiance mentions to his mom that we're not expecially thrilled about that.  Actually, I believe he texted, "Awesome. :-(" but I'm not even going to go there.  So then she sends back a text saying that she understands and that they will pay for the rehearsal dinner, as that is tradition, and that she would be happy to pick up the tab for dinner ingredients as well.  He thinks she was just being nice and offering, no strings attached.  I see it as if we accept that offer then we lose some room to "correct" RSVPs like the random ex-brother-in-law.  And will still have the tents, tables, alcohol, etc. to cover. 

Oh, and my parents are footing the bill and my dad is letting us take over his farm.  While technically there's no max number of guests allowed, we passed my, and my parents', comfort zones a little while ago. 

Then she asks if they can buy a keg of Coors Light for the wedding.  I know this one is silly to fuss over but the straws on my back are adding up.  We're planning on buying beer from the local brewery.  (Which is really, really good.)  So I don't really know what to think.  On the one hand, I want all of our guests to be happy and comfortable and theoretically, you could call Coors "local" (made 220 miles away.)  On the other, Palisade beer is good, they have a wheat beer that's not too heavy and it's made 2 miles (literally 2.0 miles) from the farm.  Local is our entire theme.  My dad is growing the veggies, we'll buy the meat from someone within the valley and the wine will have been grown and bottled from within 10 miles of the farm. 

Any suggestions on where to concede and where to stand our ground?  Holy crap, that's long!  My apologies and congratulations to anyone who made it though all of that.  I would love to hear some outside opinions. 

Well I understand your wanting to stick with the theme of local, but just keep in mind not everything has to match the theme.  If they want to buy the keg of Coors I'd say the more the merrier!  One less thing that you have to buy and worry with the logistics of.  Also keep in mind it sounds like you and your in-laws have slightly different views.  I am having an airplane hangar wedding because the FI is a pilot and I am theater buff so it allows for us to share our personalities with everyone.  His mother on the other hand wants it to be this swanky formal affair.  When she mentions things to me about it being not formal I just quickly tell her about somethings that are going to be on the formal side.  I just try to make and keep the peace.  I do think that the relatives bringing uninvited guests is on the rude side.  But some people don't know that if the person invited is the person whos name is on the invitation.  Good luck!

Wow! I am so sorry to hear so many of your things are being compromised!

Overall, I would talk to these issues with her. Tell her your plans and see if she'd be willing to pick up the tab for the local beer or even part of it (those local beers get expensive!)

Also cap her guest list ASAP. And about the rehearsal dinner--just let that go, I think. You're going to obviously have to pick your battles with this wedding.

Above all, have your fiance talk to her. That's what he needs to do--it's his job to tell her what is most important to you and that she needs to back down on some things (random invite list).

Good luck!

I expected to come back with an update about how we talked to his parents and that they talked to their friend who wants to bring her son, ex-brother-in-law and his wife in place of her husband and that just the son would be coming.  Not so much. 

I talked to my fiance's parents on Saturday about limiting the guest list and not inviting the extras.  His mom didn't really say anything and his dad promptly agreed that was fine.  Well, when we went over last night he took us aside and said that the decision was ours, but that he thought asking her not to bring her ex-BIL and his wife would cause some seriously hurt feelings.  As he put it, "I can fix a lot of things, but I don't think I could fix this one.  I've been trying to think of how to do it since Saturday and I can't come up with anything." 

Eff. 

My FFIL is an extremely intelligent and balanced man whose advice I treasure and will almost always take.  After seeing the "I don't know how to fix this but I'll do it if you want me to" look on his face both my fiance and I melted and we agreed (afterwards, we haven't told his folks yet) that if his dad thought that was best then we would let them come. 

In the light of day though, I really don't get how someone could get so offended that they were requested not to bring two extra guests that have no connection to anyone at the wedding.  They're not even visiting from out town with nothing else to do!  I even suggested that they skip the ceremony and just come for the reception but FFIL thought that they want to come for the ceremony too.  ?!?!  I don't know.  Maybe they really love weddings?  Ugh.

I agree smyley, I am extremely lucky in my future in laws.  That doesn't mean things are always smooth sailing though.  And if you read my update you'll see that we have made concessions on everything except inviting the ex-mayor and a few others.  I'm willing to let go of most things, but I still want this to be recognizable as OUR wedding and we're having a hard time figuring out where that line should be drawn. 

Thanks Smyley, I do appreciate your advice.  Although, to be honest, I wouldn't mind having the spotlight taken off me by our parents a bit!  I'm not that much of a in the middle of things kind of gal.  :-)  You're right though.  It would take a lot to overshadow my dad's farm.  It will be Us.  

Thanks kazoochair!  It can be so frustrating sometimes.  We live in Wyoming which isn't exactly home to the most environmentally aware population.  Most of the people I talk to do whatever is cheapest without regard to who or what might have been harmed in the making.  That's not to say I can afford to buy what I would ideally, but I do what I can.  Oh, and I'm with you on the grocery store cakes.  The frosting is SO gross!  I can sometimes eat the cake but I have to scrape the top off.  

I was just explaining the regional (or maybe for our group, economic status?) differences in weddings to my fiance last night.  He's never been to a wedding where it wasn't assumed that he could bring a date and cash bars are the norm.  He had absolutely no idea that for other people the idea of random plus ones just isn't done - you don't bring ANYONE that wasn't listed on the invite and that cash bars are so gauche.  Oh well.  Learn something new everyday I guess. 

And for the record, we were never going to tell his parents that they couldn't buy a keg of Coors.  I just needed to vent about it.  Although actually, NixLapi, I think they offered to buy the meat and veggies for the reception dinner in exchange for more leeway with the guests.  We're just going to ask them for help in keeping the plus (more than) one floodgates from bursting open.  Hopefully that will be enough. 

So yesterday was my FMIL's birthday BBQ and the friend who invited her son, ex-brother-in-law and his wife was there.  The first thing out of her mouth after "Hi, sweetie!  Good to see you!" was "So my RSVP was a little weird, huh?"  Ugh.  It was so awkward and all I could do was smile and squeak out, "Yeah, it was a little weird.  I had to ask who the other people were..."  She was completely oblivious that it was a faux-pas.  I'm not sure if that's good or bad anymore...