(Closed) How many concessions should be made to the parents? (turned into a rant, sorry)

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Well I understand your wanting to stick with the theme of local, but just keep in mind not everything has to match the theme.  If they want to buy the keg of Coors I’d say the more the merrier!  One less thing that you have to buy and worry with the logistics of.  Also keep in mind it sounds like you and your in-laws have slightly different views.  I am having an airplane hangar wedding because the Fiance is a pilot and I am theater buff so it allows for us to share our personalities with everyone.  His mother on the other hand wants it to be this swanky formal affair.  When she mentions things to me about it being not formal I just quickly tell her about somethings that are going to be on the formal side.  I just try to make and keep the peace.  I do think that the relatives bringing uninvited guests is on the rude side.  But some people don’t know that if the person invited is the person whos name is on the invitation.  Good luck!

Post # 4
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Wow! I am so sorry to hear so many of your things are being compromised!

Overall, I would talk to these issues with her. Tell her your plans and see if she’d be willing to pick up the tab for the local beer or even part of it (those local beers get expensive!)

Also cap her guest list ASAP. And about the rehearsal dinner–just let that go, I think. You’re going to obviously have to pick your battles with this wedding.

Above all, have your fiance talk to her. That’s what he needs to do–it’s his job to tell her what is most important to you and that she needs to back down on some things (random invite list).

Good luck!

Post # 5
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I would stand firm on the guests (esp since your parents are paying & hosting!). Can your fi call, or get his mum to call, her friend and apologetically explain that they you only have room to invite the friend (and I guess her son? How old is he/are you having children?).

But I’d let some of the food stuff go – e.g. the Coors, which is made close to you anyway. And your guests aren’t going to know where the meat came from 🙂 It sounds like local/ethical is important to you and I think that’s awesome, but I also think this is going to be a time where you want to stress out as little as possible. It sounds like she’s just trying to help? Good luck!

Post # 6
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Oh how I feel for you!  My Future Mother-In-Law has been a bit demanding with wedding planning too.  Like you, my parents are paying for the majority of the wedding (whatever they’re not covering, my Fiance and I are).  Of course, you don’t have to shell out money to have a say in the wedding, but I just feel like if she’s not contributing a dime (not even for the extra guests that she forced on us), she should try to be a little more respectful of the bride’s wishes.

That said, I think (and I’ve been trying to do this too) that it’s easy to get caught up in all the details and who wants what, but as my friends and mom keep reminding me, she’ll be your Mother-In-Law for a long, long time.  A wedding is one very important day, and while you shouldn’t compromise more than you are comfortable with, picking your battles is key.  Maybe tell yourself that the Coors and the meat and the extra guests are all that you’re willing to budge on, and in the future your comfort and needs will come first.  I think it’s important that your fiance be on “your side”, too — it’s not so much that she needs to know her boundaries (if she did, she might not have acted the way she is, but I’m sure in her mind she’s just trying to help!), but that you and your fiance have the same boundaries and that he’s willing to support you when necessary.

Good luck!  Your wedding sounds like it will be lovely.

Post # 8
5758 posts
Bee Keeper

As I read through your initial post,it struck me that so many of the groom’s families do nothing more than host the rehearsal dinner. In your case,you actually have FIL’s that WANT to help and contribute! Do you know how lucky you really are?

I think there are just some things you need to let go. Good luck!

Post # 10
5758 posts
Bee Keeper

I did see your update and I think your future Father-In-Law was as honest as he could be about not knowing how to fix it. Good for you for letting this one go.

It really WILL be your wedding! All eyes will be on you both,and all the agonizing and planning angst will just disappear as you say your vows. Nothing else will really matter. Everyone will be there for YOU…not your parents or FIL’s….they’re coming only for you.

Trust me. It will be perfect!

Post # 11
161 posts
Blushing bee

I felt like I found a kindred spirit on the shop local no Sams Club or Walmart thing…One of my first encounters with my daughter Future Mother-In-Law was planning the engagement party. She said I’l bring the cake. I get great ones from Sams.  I let it go…but I hated it. I didn’t, however eat any. (no one noticed..I’m not a big dessert eater)

I think you are doing the right thing by using your Future In-Laws advice. There is some dynamic here that isn’t clear but I’d let it go. At least you control the reception. Goodl luck and don’t lose your ethics!

Post # 13
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I don’t care who the “added” guest is – it’s never ok to add extras. Three people don’t get to replace one. We’ve just spent the evening (literally!) having a plus one “discussion” with Future Mother-In-Law… it wasn’t pretty, feelings may have been hurt – but why should the bride & groom get walked all over? That’s not cool.

As for the keg of Coors – I’d say “meh” to that if I were in your shoes… I wouldn’t be thrilled with it either, but really – it’s just beer. Now if it were in exchange for allowing extra guests to come, THAT’s another story! *lol*

Post # 14
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Until I started reading these boards I had no idea how common it is for some guests to interpret wedding invitations as open invitations (i.e. come one come all). We’ve been in the uncomfortable position of having to tell some of our guests that it’s only them we’re inviting (they’re not in relationships but replied +1 in hopes they will meet someone within the next 2 months). I understand wanting to attend a wedding with a date, but we just couldn’t accommodate that for all our single friends.

Caitlanc, good on you for holding firm on not inviting the more extraneous guests but being flexible where you could. I think your Future Father-In-Law will really appreciate you helping them out on this one and I’m sure he’ll remember it for a long time!

Re: you ‘local’ wedding, I think that’s such a great theme. Like some of the others have said, though, don’t stress if you can’t have everything the way you’d like. Knowing that you achieved even a 75% local wedding should make you happy and proud — just think of how much you’ve contributed to local businesses and the environment. Great stuff.

Post # 16
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009


Good luck! I’m from Montana, so I can totally understand the regional and economic differences (my fiancé is from the South- big poofy white wedding capital of the U.S.!) as well as the lack of environmentally aware folks.

We’re trying to do the same thing with local food and drink, and lucky for us our parents aren’t helping too much! That said, I don’t have any super good advice. Talk to your Future Father-In-Law about your concerns and goals, and try to let him work behind the scenes. 

Best of luck!

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