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There's an old saying that goes, "Men get married expecting their wives will never change; women get married expecting that their husbands will." Maybe the same could be said for the relationship. :)
Maybe. My husband and I talked greatly about what will happen after. I mean we have a kid together, and have lived together for a while, but we made it clear that who we are, and what we believe is how it is, and it' not going to change one we're married, at least not right away. So he knows I don't expect him to change, and vice versa.
On another note, our relationship has changed a bit. I am so in love with him now, more than ever before, beause now he's mine forever. :)
Are you two living together? I don't think his questions are completely off base. I mean, things do change once you're married. My DH is a huuge gamer (I am too, but not to such an extent) and even though we still geek out quite frequently, I'd be lying if I said things were the same. Before we were married, all we had to do after work was come home, eat whatever our moms cooked us, then do whatever we want. Now there is cooking, cleaning, general repairs...adult stuff. It's way different than living at home. Plus, to us marriage = kids. And when we start having children all this extra responsibility will multiply!
I will say that I am lucky because DH has been telling his friends for years that he feels called to the married life and parenthood. But he still gets mad at me every now and then when I put my foot down (No! You've been playing WoW for 3 hours, your parents are coming over this evening and you will help me clean this place up!)
Well I don't think you should go into a marriage thinking you'll change someone.
But on the other hand, a lot of things have changed since we got married and moved in together. We both have a lot less free time and a lot more grown up discussions (about money, kids, cleaning, home repairs). I was a big partier before I got married and now I find I go out so much less... I just look at things differently now. But it's a good thing! We went in knowing we'd change together!
My FI and I have been living together for two years and have a wonderful relationship full of love and respect. Even through ups and downs we stay real. The only thing I think will change is my last name. We both see eye to eye on what we want for our future and make such a great team. If I didnt see him as my parter and if I wanted to change him in any way I would not want to marry him.
The things I expect to change after marriage are the combining of any bills or accounts that haven't already been combined, as well as a reevaluation of our budgeting and savings. Also, we'll get some new furniture. Plus I'll begin wearing a ring.
Honestly, I think the big change happened when I moved in with her, but even then, the change wasn't that big. We've been together a couple years now and we both enjoy being together and spending time together. We're looking forward to making public vows in front of our friends and family to continue to be together for the rest of our lives, but I doubt there will be any significant shift from pre-marriage us to post-wedding us. Well, except that we'll share a last name and family. Also, we'll need to get some new checks and stationary and she'll need a new passport. Plus there'll be insurance and tax changes...
@scottsouth:Scott, you hit it right on the nail. That sounds pretty much like my FI and I. There is nothing I want to change about how our relationship works but just the title of husband and wife, the ring, and my last name. Blessings on your upcoming marriage.
We talked about this already. I don't expect things will change after marriage, I DO however, expect things to change when we move into a house of our own. This means division of labour mostly.
I thought it was kind of funny but all of my husbands friends (who I like very much) were depressed when we got married, and one was crying at the wedding because they thought I would never let my husband hang out with them anymore! They are only in their 20s and their only experience with married friends are people with young children, so they just assumed marriage = no freedom. Well, they have since learned differently, the only thing my husband has had to do is be more thoughtful about spending money and discussing large purchases with me first.
Things changed a lot when we moved into a house together, because it takes significantly more work, time and energy than living in a apartment. But that's home ownership not marriage!
I don't really know how things will change when we get married. When we first got engaged, his family has this idea that since I was taking his last name, I was part of his family and would have to spend every holiday there. Um, no thanks! So it seems the families have some expectations we don't have.
Maybe I would be more likely to get busy planning this wedding if I thought there was a big change, but if it's the same as being engaged than I am kind of stuck in indecision-land with no real wedding plans in sight.
@swanks4tw: agreed!
OP: of course right after the I Do's not alot changes, but of course as you two grow, think about children, buying/repairing/maintaining a house, etc... both of you will change in where you're free time is spent and what takes priority.
Thankfully DH was already headed this way through our engagement b/c I came with a son. He's been very thankful of my encouragement and help in learning the new role and is glad he's not the same as he was.
Of course that's not how EVERY guy would feel but we should all be ready at some point to change a re-prioritize =)
My FI has said many times that he doesnt see anything changing. I agree. We will eventually combine insurance and health benefits and I might someday change my name. I think throughout our relationship we have stayed pretty true to who we each are, so I am not really all that worried about us changing or wanting him to change. I don't know if he would agree to get married if the thought it was a way for me to change him, honestly.
Yea I also think that was a fair question from him because I think in general, unless your guy is really particularly responsible and tidy on his own, things do change. I guess not so much on the marriage part but the moving in together and combining finances and buying a house part.
My husband used to get fast food every night on his way home from work, go home and watch sports/video games all night, never clean or do laundry until it was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, and buy whatever he wanted as long as he had the money to cover it.
Now we eat primarily home-cooked food, we spend most nights together (which means compromising on what we watch), we keep the house clean, keep the laundry to a manageable pile, and we're much more careful about what we spend.
I don't think my husband would want to go back to his old life in any way, but he was really ready to grow up and live this life.
We didn't live together before we got married, so our lifestyles definitely changed with marriage. But I like to think they changed for the better. :)
I was told you can go to the ALTAR but you can not ALTER your spouse
@retreadbride: that's a good saying!
We were the first in our group to get married, yet all our single guy friends told us that things would be soooo different once we got married. Didn't happen. We already lived together for years, had talked about everything that could come up and figured out an action plan.
Marriage has only helped our relationship. I think if you have already started to build your life together, marriage is just a stepping stone to future
My FI and his friends have their views on marriage and they are stupid--although I am sure they are joking otherwise I doubt he would have ever proposed. He thinks once you get married, the wife lets herself go (like gets fat or stops wearing make up), stops cooking home-cooked meals, stops having sex, and takes all the money. I find this "view" barbaric and stereo-typical. Ha.
I think it is very important to discuss your expectations of marriage prior to engagement. I also think that there are some people who are perfectly right to fear marriage will restrict their freedom, or their individuality, as I have seen plenty of marriages where one partner HAS expected the other to "give up" things they enjoy or to conform to some ideal the other had for them. Some people have seen such experiences as an observer, or as the child within a marriage like that, and so on. This discussion of expectations goes both ways though...it is not just men who have certain "expectations", rightly or wrongly, of marriage - I have seen plenty of women who "expect" some sort of fantasy from marriage, for example, that will not be matched by reality, such as a partner who will suddenly be "more committed" or that their relationship will suddenly improve, etc. It may even be things like expecting your partner will be on the same page about where to live, or whether to have kids, or about the division of labour, and so on.
While marriage is "different" than living together in an emotional sense for myself and my husband, it has not changed our actual relationship at all. To be honest, even living together was not a huge "difference" to our relationship, as we found living together very easy and natural. We have always been very honest and clear about our expectations, about who we are, about our boundaries, and so forth. We still embrace and respect each other's individuality, we still maintain our connection, honesty and so forth. One of the things we enjoy most about our marriage is the great sense of freedom we both feel, while finding a certain "grounding" with each other.
That is not to say that as time passes our priorities do not change, or we do not grow and change as individuals, of course we do! However, neither of us seeks to restrict each other's personalities or personal growth.
I firmly believe a marriage is an ongoing creation of the two individuals in it, and only you two as individuals can determine what your marriage will be like.
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About 2 weeks or so ago I had a conversation with SO about marriage, and I found out a few interesting things.
He asked me what my expectations would be once we got married, and came home from our honeymoon. He was afraid that I would expect him to stop playing video games, and other free-time things, and focus more on house things and us as a couple. I told him that I thought that was ridiculous, and that I did not expect him to change.
Perhaps this is a big fear that men have--that things will change greatly after marriage. Maybe it is a big obstacle to marriage. I had no idea he thought that way!
Thoughts? What else have you found out about the way your SO thinks?