Post # 1
I’m pretty sure I have the WORST bridesmaids ever. Probably worst friends ever. I am having 4 bridesmaids, 2 of them being my sisters. The only one who cares is my older sister but she lives like 2 hours away and is unable to help with anything. The other 3 do not care at all. Take no interest what so ever. They do not ask about anything, not even a simple hey how is the planning going. I’m just curious what everyone else BM did/going to do?
My shower is this Sunday, and thankfully my fmil is throwing it, or else I would have had to throw it myself. They have all received the invitations for it, but don’t even ask if I need help or if they need to do anything or what? I mean I’m not asking for the world or anything special. But to at least act like you care.
I offered to buy these girls the dresses (150/each) which is a lot of money for me, because I know they don’t really have the money. How do I tell them I want them back so I can re-sell them, or is that rude?
Post # 3
to answer your question: yes, that’s rude.
Post # 4
Before you do anything drastic, have you asked them to help you with anything? I get the whole concept behind you not having to ask, but some people are clueless.
Post # 5
@Mrs.Mittens: This exactly. They don’t know what we need help with and when unless we ask them!
Post # 6
@Mrs. Meowerson: No it’s not! I feel if she is paying for them she has every right to sell them. I’d just explain to the girls to please try to keep the dresses in good shape because you plan on selling them to recoup some of the money.
However, you still need to get them a gift since this doesn’t count as a gift. And OP, chill out with the expectations of your BMs. Girls here go all batshit when their bridal party doesn’t offer to be their personal wedding planners. That’s not their role. Their role is stand up there and support you. Be happy you have 4 great girlfriends/sisters and let it go.
Post # 7
@JrzyGurl: oh, i just reread and i completely misunderstood…i thought she was kicking them out and asking for the dresses back to sell them…
Post # 8
What do you want them to help you with exactly? My bridesmaids haven’t done anything, but I don’t need them to do anything right now either. You can’t expect them to be a mind reader.
They are under no obligation to throw you a shower. A shower isn’t a right of getting married. It is nice if someone offers to throw you one, but by no means a requirement of being in the bridal party.
You have purchased their dresses as a gift to them, you cannot ask for it back for re-sale. Unless of course you have had this agreement from the get go, which is not what I understand from your post.
Post # 9
First off, Im glad your FMIL took the initative and planned your shower! That is very sweet and generous of her! And Secondly Im sorry your Maids havent been what you were hoping for.
My mini, non-directed to anyone vent. Just saying in general!
Thread RESPONSES from threads like this honestly shock me; arent we all Brides? Its not to say we Brides cant do it on our planning/shopping/etc on our own, but what is a Bridesmaid supposed to do if not that?! If you take it for what the word is, YES they should be PLEASING the bride. As a “maid” of the bride, you should be helpful and willing to go the extra mile. The Bride did pick you for a reason.
But I do realize there are maids that are totally clueless or have never been in a wedding before, but that is no excuse not to ask how you can help, or make the attempt to figure out what you should be doing or offering to do on your own.
My mother raised me to have manners and respect. But being a woman of the new world, ive mixed it up. Ive learned to be assertive yet respectful. I have a lot of class but I dont stand for people’s excuses or lolly-gagging on my watch or dime.
So screw me for having expectations of having HELPFUL bridesmaids. I definitely was one of the MANY brides who impulsively chose their wedding party out of joy and excitement, since then I’ve totally had “AH-HA and DOH” moments!
Unfortunately most people are selfish and only are concerned with their life and inner circle. But if someone asks you to be apart of their wedding, whats the harm and bad in ASKING for updates ocassionally or asking if you can help, EVEN IF YOU DONT MEAN IT OR SECRETLY HOPING FOR A “THANKS BUT NO THANKS” Its the THOUGHT and CONSIDERATION! =)
So with that said, I dont think it should be any promblem/trouble in asking for the dresses back if you paid for them. =) But I agree with who ever said to buy them a gift that they can keep for being apart of your wedding!
Post # 10
Yes, I know, I am still getting them bridesmaid gifts, because they will be there for me on my big day.
To answer some of the questions. I haven’t asked a lot out them, and trust me I don’t want them to do much for me. I just want them to show interest and at least care. Maybe I am different. If I were a BM I would feel honored and try my hardest to help out, even if I am clueless I would figure it out and ask as many questions as possible.
I have asked them their opinions on things, but they just respond very short and with an I dont care attitude. I asked my sister (MOH) if she would help me with invitations and we planned a day to them, and 1 hour before we were supposed to meet up she blew me off to hang out with her boyfriend.
We always talk over text and I always ask them how things are going in their life, and they never even ask about me or how are things going. NOTHING. I guess I just need to realize they simply don’t care. I invited them to all go BM dress shopping, and they acted like I was asking the world of them just to go. I never told them their dress was the gift, and usually don’t BM buy their own dress? It’s not like they will ever wear the dress again, and I’m afraid they will probably try to re-sell them themselves, and that will upset me.
I’m not going to do anything drastic. JUST VENTING! But if I could do it over again, I would not have any bridesmaids. save me about $600-$800 🙂
Post # 11
I have sucky bridesmaids, too – one is a TOTALLY useless friend who isn’t even attending my shower – the 2 hour drive is ‘just too much to handle’. She also had told me she had a dress to wear already in the colors I gave her… told me a few weeks ago it didnt fit and she was going to buy one from David’s because it would just be easier. I sent her a coupon to use… and last week she was off ALLLllll week… and still hasn’t gotten a dress. When I commented on her FB status the other day that she was bored with “go get a dress!” she wrote back telling me I was a Bridezilla and I should chill out. I called her and said, seriously… all I have asked of you is to get a dress. PLease do that – you’re supposed to HOST my shower, and you aren’t even attending – this isn’t a lot to ask.
Pretty sure she still hasn’t done it.
It is frustrating doing everything on my own – no offers of help or questions about the wedding at all.
I would personally never ask for the dresses back to resell them, but if it works in your dynamic, why not?
Good luck and hope they turn around!!!
Post # 12
Some bridesmaids don’t know that they actually have a role. And some of them don’t really care about planning weddings (I know I don’t). If you want/need more help I would just ask them if they could and/or if they’re interested. They may be giving you your space to plan your dream wedding. I dunno.
My BMs never really respond to my e-mails, facebook messags, texts, etc. I call them every once in a while, and they don’t seem too interested in what I have to say. It’s fine with me because I don’t really need help planning, and would rather be done with it than deal with differing opinions. One of them (my FSIL) asks sometimes how planning is going and wants me to tell her if I ever need anything. Recently, she and another BM want to plan showers for me. So that’s exciting! 🙂 I wasn’t planning on having one.
I think the best thing is to just ask them. I wouldn’t ask for the dresses back to sell them. Consider that their BM gifts. It’s not that bad to ask for them back… but it would be kind of awkward IMO. Hope everything gets better!
Post # 13
EDIT: After reading your other post I see that you’ve asked some of them to help and they blow you off or seem uninterested. I’m sorry they’re not interested! I guess they just didn’t understand what they may have to do as a BM. I know people are busy and would rather have fun than plan a wedding. I’m just trying to brainstorm some ideas as to why they are being this way. I’m not excusing their actions. But at the same time, it is what it is. Hopefully at the wedding they will be a comfort to have around and will actually help then. It will be a great day I’m sure 🙂
Post # 14
Honestly what girl hasn’t seen a movie with bm in it, 24 dresses comes to mind. So really I dont see how they dont know how to act or what to do.
My MOH hates weddings and thinks its all a bit of a charade, but she totally helped out from organising my hens to doing my hair on the day and spent hours shopping for dresses b4 offering on numnerous occasions to pay for her dress. My other maids were amazing too.
If someone asks u to be a bm and u dont know what to do…….ahhhh GOOGLE IT.
OP that sux, I would be inclined to tell them there services wont be needed and just have your one helpful sister as MOH.
Post # 15
Here’s an idea; don’t get them any gift for the day of if you feel they haven’t been supportive.
Question: Are they just overall people who don’t really extend help to others or is something new that has developed since you asked them to be BMs?
Post # 16
A bridesmaids essential role is to honour you and their relationship with you by standing in support on the day you take your marriage vows.