How much did you and your SO bicker before being engaged?- LONG

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I have been in your situation before. My SO and I have been together for 6 years and living together for 2.5.

 

As far as spending too much time together, you should both try to spend more time with friends or doing hobbies that let you take a little bit of time away from each other. I think being busy with work, school, and stressed about the dog and living with her parents has really worn you both down.

 

I think it would be best if you two sit down, and talk about how silly this bickering is. It always help to declare that it is a “clean slate” for both of you, and that going forward you both promise not to get upset over silly things that cause you to bicker. 

 

I think if you both try hard to make things better, and it still doesn’t feel great for you, THEN it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship and intentions with eachother. I hope you can both work through it tho, it will definitely make your relationship stronger! 

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I strongly recommend couples counselling to anyone thinking of getting married.  From your many posts on this board, it seems like you are really into planning a wedding, but less concerned about the person you are having a wedding with. 

Honestly, it sounds like you are together due to inertia, and you don’t like her very much.  For example, the part about you mocking her eating reminds me of the contempt mentioned in John Gottman’s book on predictors of divorce.  Please, make sure you are marrying her, and not having a fun playing wedding.

Post # 6
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think a lot of this is just due to the fact you guys are living with her parents. You are clearly not fully comfortable with it and she may not be as well. 

Once FI and I had way too much time near each other and we needed a break desperately, we tore apart everything about each other! All it took was spending 1-2 afternoons/evenings/nights out a week so we could “get some air” and would appreciate the other more. Lack of space really makes emotions run high! Or even just get out of the house and do things together instead of sitting around.

I would also focus on picking your fights. It is easy to chop her down and make her feel like a baby for getting food on herself but think about it carefully before you jump to comment. If it is going to start a fight don’t say it just to make her mad/embarrass her, make a productive comment to make her away she is spilling on herself or even offer a solution to fix it (like if she is scooping pasta with a fork instead of stabbing it). 

Just personally I would also call you a rude asshole for saying something like that to me because you just seemed to want to humiliate her when she wasn’t intentionally covering herself in food – it may be something that is hard for her to deal with. 

Post # 8
Member
3738 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@otto2008:  The thing that bothers me is how you described your mocking her. Yes, my husband and I tease each other. We are never mean about it. The fact that you said “…you should know where your mouth is…” is rude. I had an ex who made fun of the way I drink out of a glass (“What’s wrong with you? You look like you’re drowning.”) He also made fun of the way I chew my food. When I started dating my husband, he always asked, “Why do you cover your mouth with your hand when you eat?” I explained that it was a conditioned response after nearly 2 years of someone making fun of how I look when I chew my food. 

 

I got off on a bit of a tangent there, and I’m sorry. But the point I’m trying to make is this: There is nothing wrong with good-natured teasing. If one party perceives it as being rude, then the other party should re-evaluate their tone and take the other person’s feelings into consideration. 

 

If you feel like your relationship has run its course, then perhaps it has. Give your girlfriend the chance to find someone who doesn’t mock her and give yourself a chance to find someone with a thicker skin.

Post # 10
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I agree with the others,  you guys probably my do need to do some stuff on your own and the cramped quarters probably aren’t helping the situation. That said, you need to get used to it if you really truly plan to get married! My FI and I have been together 9 yrs and we moved across the country together about 2 years in – we lived together for the first time AND didn’t know anyone! We didn’t bicker or fight, we made the best of each situation we encountered. I’m not saying it was perfect or easy, my point is that you can make a world of difference by having a positive attitude and keeping things in perspective. If something is wearing on you, go to the gym, take a walk, go to a movie…do something that just gets you away and allows you to reassess the situation. 

 

I would recommend waiting to take any big steps – it sounds to me like you guys may be getting ahead of yourself. If you don’t plan to get married for a couple years,  what’s the rush? Maybe work on establishing yourselves as a couple and strengthening your relationship before you start planning an engagement and wedding. 

Post # 11
Member
7271 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@s2bmrscook:  +1

That comment really bothered me, and it’s worse that you can’t see how it was rude.

Post # 13
Member
1884 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

My SO and I tease each other too, so I guess it’s the tone in which you say it. I often get crumbs everywhere when I eat, and my bf will say things like “can’t take you anywhere” but he says it in way that I know he’s just picking and not trying to embarrass me. Just be careful about how you tease because sometimes it can come across as condescending if you aren’t careful.  

Post # 14
Member
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@otto2008:  There are a lot of moving parts here…

 

Living with her parents: this is a situation that could strain any relationship, but if no endgame plan is set up than this is not just an excuse to stay together through bickering (“we’re just cranky because we’re in her parents house!”)–  if you don’t have an exit plan for this situation than there’s no light at the end of the tunnel

She wants to spend more time together, you think you spend too much time together:  This happens a lot (I hear) in relationships.  Perhaps you both need to focus on improving the quality of the time you spend together, but actually decrease the amount of time you spend in the same place. I know this is hard because you’re a homebody and since she wants to be with you, she won’t leave the house, but it’s really important to a) each know how to make yourselves happy before each other and b) make sure that you’re not just acting like roommates

You started dating young, and you’re still fairly young: I’m biased as a bee getting married in her thirties.  23 is a time where you’re still figuring out this whole life on your own thing along with who you really are. Hell, you guys haven’t even figured out the life on your own thing yet since you’re living wtih her parents.  I know that a strong relationship can survive  no matter the age that it started or the conditions the couple are forced into, but people like that don’t tend to start internet threads about their doubts, either.

She doesn’t have an interest in her own wedding: BAD SIGN. Either you want the wedding/marriage more than her, or you guys haven’t figured out what you really want this event to be.  Sometimes the grooms are more interested in the wedding than the brides, and that’s OK, but you’re not even engaged yet and she’s not showing you any interest in that next step.

Your comment to her was rude.  Doesn’t sound like you respect her as an equal

She got a dog without talking to you:  Sounds to me like even though she wants you around all the time, she doesn’t know how to make decisions as a “we.”  This also plays into future plans of marriage

Long story short, I don’t think you should get engaged until you two are a complete “we” unit and sort through your stuff. There’s no rush, you have SOOOO much time, and even though 4 years is sort of a long time for a young relationship,  you also have a very long “forever” to be committing to.  Really take the time to understand who each of you are, and what you both want out of life and partnership, before you put a ring on it and start down a path that is REALLY hard to turn around on.

Post # 15
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@otto2008:  again, I’m not saying she should be planning the wedding.  I’m saying you are more focused on your wedding than your relationship.  Weddings are meaningless and foolish without a solid relationship behind them.  The fact that you’re planning the wedding without bothering to ask her to marry you first seems presumptuous and rude, and not because I have some backwards notion about women doing all the wedding planning. 

It does not seem like you respect your girlfriend – teasing is fine when your both in on the joke, but when you start landing low blows, you should listen to her when she says it hurts and apologize and make a real effort to do better next time.

Post # 16
Member
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@otto2008:  I never actually answered your question LOL.  We rarely fought, and now we’re in the 3 month countdown of wedding planning and we’re still rarely fighting. We both have equal desires of alone versus together time, we have nice date nights when we can afford it, and we fully respect each other both as individuals with separate interests/ passions and as humans with feelings that need to be considered at all times.  But, we also were 30 when we met and already fiercely independent and knew exactly who we were and what we wanted out of life, and had already established the foundation for doing so.  We just were missing partners.  We love being a team together and putting the finishing touches on a really complete and fulfilling life.

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