Post # 1
Parents and how much they contribute come up quite a bit on the bee. I’m just wondering how people were raised when it came to come money, and how it translate to their weddings?
Growing up my Parents had a very nice lifestyle, my Dad owned his own business. We got to travel internationally, went to private schools up into high school. We lived in a nice neighborhood. However my Parents didn’t just hand us over anything and everything we wanted.
For example nearly everyone I knew in high school got nice cars from their families, used parent’s credit cards to go shopping. My parents felt a car wasn’t a necessity and they paid for my bus pass and felt I could get around with that. I had to save gift money, babysitting money, for a year to buy a car when I was seventeen, it was a huge hunk of junk Volvo I bought for a nine hundred dollars. I had to spend hundreds to keep it going. The worst thing was even though it was my car I paid for on my own, if I got in trouble my parents took away the keys! My parents also thought working was privilege, so we had to keep up grades, they felt they provided and gave us enough and we didn’t really “need” to work for extras. And if I ever had the audacity to ask for hundreds of dollars or credit cards to go shopping they would have laughed in my face.
My parents could have easily afforded to pay college for me, but they felt it was my responsibility. My dad only offered to pay for my books, and give me several hundred dollars before the start of every semester. I took out loans and worked part time. Several friends who visited at home over break where always surprised at how well my parents did and how much I still had to work to afford being able to afford school. Since I graduated college my parents haven’t given me cent. When I bought my condo I got advice but no money.
My parents just think that we should work and earn these things on our own. The do sometimes take us on trips the pay for, or give me nice jewelry because the want too. I was very surprised when my Dad offered me money for my wedding. So sometimes when I see these post from people saying my Fi parents are mean, cheap, don’t love him like my parents do because they are loaded and won’t give us any money for the wedding. I have little to no sympathy, because I know my parents are like that, yet they still love me, and for them that love translated into making sure that I worked hard and earn everything as an adult rather then them just writing me checks. That is how my parents operate and they aren’t cheap they just have clear views on what their children’s responsibilities are as adults. Love to hear everyone elses experiences.
ps: While I have some ownership rights in my Dad’s company, and my parents own a ton of properties and other things outside of that. Should anything happen to them I wouldn’t be surprised if they gave the majority of those things to charity or less fortunate family members rather than leaving it all to my brothers and I.
Post # 3
My parents paid for necessary things like transport, food, and gave me about $2 a week pocket money, then $7 a week when I entered my teens. They also paid for gifts to family and friends sometimes, also for my clothes. Now the only thing they pay for is my public transport. They don’t pay for my university tuition (I am on the deferred payment so when I get a job I will start paying back the debt myself) but they do put the equal amount into investments.
Post # 4
My parents paid for nice vacations. We would go on a Carribean vacation every year. My dad was very adventurous and always splurged on these vacations. But other than that they paid for the basic things like food and shelter. I had to buy my own car and we never got an allowance. If I wanted to go to the mall and buy clothes, I had to pay for it. I had many babysitting jobs!
My dad was also very smart in investing so my tuition was paid for with his stock earnings. I was very fortunate. However, my dad passed away my senior year in college so I paid for a year of college. I appreciated everything my parents did but they also gave so much so I could appreciate a hard earned dollar!
Post # 5
Growing up my father had a successful business (still does). We lived in a beautiful house, went to private school, we ate at restaurants most nights because that was what they liked to do.
A lot of people think because we had a nice life we were spoiled, but really we weren’t. The summer I turned 13 I had a full time job babysitting for 8 hours a day, 4 -5 days a week! I loved it, and I made great money for a 13 year old, but I had to give most of what I earned to my mother who put it into a separate college savings account that I was in charge of balancing. The summers before that (6th grade) I had to work chores after chores after chores to earn the $300 I needed to pay for half of the summer camp I wanted to attend. My parents didn’t just say “Here you go” and give me money.
The summer I was 14 my mother took me to town hall for a work permit and I worked my summer vacations. She put the money into my account for college. The summer I was driving that money went to college and I had to pay my own car insurance and cell phone bill. I had enough saved by then to pay my own room and board, meal plan, books.
They didn’t bail me out when I opened a credit card I couldn’t pay. They were very strict. Our Christmas was always very modest, the biggest gift I ever got was a Huffy bike and I rode it for 15 years because my father just kept replacing parts on it instead of getting a new one.
I feel like I appreciate the way they raised me and I’ll likely do similar things. But I resent that my siblings were not held to the same level of financial contribution that I was. I got a lot of the brunt as the oldest and sometimes it was hard to deal with. But ultimately I think they raised me to be pretty responsible. I still to this day carry the attitude of not expecting things from others, do it yourself, go after what you want and don’t expect others to finance your choices. I had a tiny courthouse wedding that no one paid for and my husband and I handle everything on our own (except his mother spoils our daughter a lot. My parents do not).
If their goal was to raise a non entitled person they succeeded, because I am always pleasantly surprised when people offer to help us out.
Post # 6
@Katyelle My parents also forced us to put a portion of our money into bank accounts. I used to get so pissed off and think it’s my freaking money! But it actually was good and helped me to become a saver. We also didn’t get insanely expensive or huge christmas gifts. I think it’s a good way to raise children. We were the youngest and I do think my parents were more strict with rules with my older two brothers and gave me a bit more in terms of paying for college and other things but their is a big age gap between them and my other brothers and I.
Post # 7
We did not have alot growing up. My parents paid for what they could needs wise up until we got to a certain age. No allowances, we ate alot of spaghetti, and some gifts for christmas and birthday. Sometimes my sister and I would get some money to run across the street to the theater to see a double feature. We never went on expensive trips, just the occassional camping trips. We were in daycare alot as both my parents had to work long hours. I took the bus through most of highschool until I was able to afford a car. I paid for college on my own by working two-three jobs and had to have a budget wedding. We learned to live without. Do I feel bitter about the situation? Not really, they did the best they could given the situation.
Post # 8
My parents paid for college as much as they could, but I also have student loans. I never really had an allowance–whatever I bought was mostly at my parents’ discretion. If they thought I needed/deserved something, they would buy it. If it was unnecessary, they would not. I also never really had a job while I was in school because my parents wanted academics to be my number one focus. I babysat on weekends, though, and I did have paid internships every summer during college. I think my parents really did it right–I wasn’t spoiled, I didn’t get everything I wanted, but I was very comfortable and happy. If I can afford it, I absolutely will pay for my kids to go to college. I think it’s really important that they go, and I don’t see any point in saddling them with student loans in order to get their degrees if I can comfortably pay for it. My FI’s parents paid for all of his college. He has no loans, thank goodness, because it means that we can both tackle my $40,000 in loans from undergrad and grad school and pay it down sooner. We can’t wait to put those behind us so we can focus on buying a house/starting a family. Student loans can negatively affect a person for years and years, so I really hope my kids won’t have to deal with them.
Post # 9
@TwoCityBride: I think my “problems” (I use that word loosely because I had a very fortunate life) stemmed from being the oldest, and the only girl. I remember my brother drinking at his high school graduation party and my dad handing him a beer. I got caught drinking a hard lemonade when I was seriously 20 years old at a family party and my parents freaked out and made a huge deal about YOU CAN WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE OF LEGAL AGE. When my other brother was 16 he took the summer off entirely, didn’t have to work, because my parents “Didn’t want him to get burned out, he had a rough school year.” Um, so did I but I still had to go to work every day!! In the end it was too much. I buckled under pressure, dropped out of college, and just kept working. I felt like anything I did wasn’t enough and the thought of all that student loan debt scared me. I didn’t trust that my parents would be there to help me which I never should have assumed but that’s what happened.
So knowing that I will have 2 daughters I will definitely make more of an effort to give them the same treatment.
Post # 10
The long and short of it for me is: We had not a lot. My folks split when I was about 6 and I had 3 other siblings. Unusually my mother was the one who left and my father raised us. To that point we had a house but every thing we had was second hand. Never had holidays, new things and any signifcant money my siblings and I got (xmas, birthdays) went towards paying bills/school clothes/food.
Fortuately things turned around for us and now, all 4 of us children have degrees, good jobs, loving relationships (my sisters are both married) my brother is travelling. My father has he’s own company and has remarried.
Money taught me that material things don’t make you happy. That is still the case…I’m one of the happiest, optimistic people I know. My fi and I are paying for this entire wedding ourselves as while money is better in our family it is not free flowing. And I’m getting exactly what I want for my wedding, something beautiful and loving but not overly lavished and bank breaking.
Post # 11
We were not rich by any means, but money was not an issue when I was growing up. I never had an allowance — if I wanted clothes or money for the movies, I just asked and it was given to me.
My parents also set up a college fund for me when I was a child. It was assumed and expected that I would go, and they would pay for it. I was not allowed to take jobs during my high school or college years. My parents felt it was more important for me to focus on my liberal arts studies, extra-curricular activities and social life. They felt that college shouldn’t be treated as job training, but rather it was an opportunity to become educated, broaden one’s horizons, meet new people and explore a variety of experiences.
I don’t think I was spoiled, though. I was expected to complete my education, and I always felt grateful and appreciative that they allowed me to have that opportunity without taking on the burden of student loan debt. I knew I was lucky and I never took that for granted.
My parents passed away years ago, but if they had been around when I got married, they would have paid for the wedding, too.
I don’t have children, but if I did, I would have done all the same things for them that were done for me.
Post # 12
My parents paid for everything. Cars, clothes, college, housing, my first wedding, and even supported me in the first years of marriage by helping out with some expenses. But… that support brought with it a world-view that was in no way accurrate and there were always strings attached to the money. Curfews, behavior, college choice, grad school choice, house choice, etc. They always had a lot of input… to the point that in my first marriage, my father was still head of the household. Intellectually, I knew other people didn’t live that way, but I didn’t really see it.
When I met FI, I started to realize how rare my experience really was. By getting out of my surburban bubble, it was a huge eye-opener… one that I’m ashamed to say happened so late in my life.
I won’t try and say that the financial support wasn’t beneficial, but it certainly stunted me becoming who I was meant to be. Instead, I became who they wanted me to be, and it took years of self-reflection and a disaster of a first marriage to figure that out.
Post # 13
My parents expected us to work. We earned our “allowance” by doing chores, when we were old enough we babysat and mowed yards, when we were 16 we found part-time jobs. But they did make sure we had enough money to do important things, especially if those things were educational (giving us the money to buy food on school trips like debate tournaments). We have always gone on nice vacations, but those vacations have always had some educational purpose to them – even trips to the beach included stops at historic forts. They’ve helped from time to time if we’ve run into financial difficulty, and have helped us make good investments. They paid for college, but not grad school.
I did not expect my parents to pay for my wedding, because I am older and while I am struggling to balance student loan debt with a fairly low-paying job (academia eats humanities professors for lunch), it is a good job. However, they said they had always planned to pay for it if I got married, and gave me 10k for all of it. They said the whole amount is mine and whatever I don’t spend on the wedding I can use to pay down debt. I already paid off the rest of my car loan with it. And we’re keeping the wedding to about 6k and some change, so there should be a little left over. And nothing from our wedding will be thrown away or stored – it gets consumed or it gets used again (even our wedding clothes are deliberately chosen to be wearable again), because I was raised to spend money on things that last and not to waste anything, ever.
I very much appreciate the way I was raised to understand money. And I think my parents are being more than generous with the wedding. I can’t believe it’s in 6 days!
Post # 14
We did not have a lot growing up. I started working summers at thirteen and then summers and after school by fifteen. My parents helped in what ways they could but we were responsible for even school supplies and school clothes. I paid for college and law school on my own.
Post # 15
I did have lot of friends simular to you, whose parents had very high expectations of them and money,gifts, cars were always given with strings attached. My parents thought that we should get good grades, behave ourselfs because it was our job and their expectations of us.
Some people looking in would think that some kids raised like you are spoiled and soem are, but I also knew kids who got a lot of things given to them but they were always under huge amounts of pressure and stress to be the first or the best at everything, or to join the family business. All things which are also hard even if they get cushioned by money a little. It is a difficult way to grow up also.
Post # 16
I’m only girl too, I didn’t get spoiled more then my four brothers, but I have a twin and had they done that it could have caused issues as we are the same age. I also know people who brothers got spoiled while the daughters are held to different expectations.